so much happened and i don't rememberr a damn thing. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

omygod. yeah so I don’t know if I’ve blogged about this or not. evan and I are having issues [again]. I don’t trust Christopher. um i’m at odds w/ jessica. regarding the christopher situation. and i’m still at odds w/ hannah.
yeah so except for fri. when it stopped nearly every day [i’m being literal here] or every other day christopher would. get upset. cause he’d be in pain and we think cause of something else. he’d be verbally abusive. not........not towards me but I’m still hearing it. and I don’t like that. it triggers me. he was like this for like. a wk. and prior to this he was ok I was feeling ok about him. um. but now I don’t trust him. bc I’ve learned not to. I don’t trust that it won’t happen again bc well it probably won’t. I don’t even want to be in the living room when he’s in there. so I stay in my room. which is fine I mean that’s what I do anyway but I shouldn’t have to. [er I mean ok so I get I don’t actually ‘have’ to I just feel safer there is what i’m saying]. so I don’t feel safe in my own house. which they know [so therefore that’s not the issue] but. nothing much is being done other than my meeting w/ jessica at least weekly.
sure I could stay at her place but I don’t think she has room for me. [actually due to her house being burned down she’s not even living there right now]. and Nicole, stephanie’s other daughter just was in the hospital last wk. and even if she hadn’t been in I’ve still not visited her house and such. same w/ the other providers. i’m not saying it would be better if i stayed somewhere else for awhile but christopher wouldn’t be there. which would be the whole point. my relatives, well. I won’t tell them about this cause I never tell them much about my life. same goes for my sister. my friends are either out of state........or, well, actually....... and as for my bar friends well they’re more just people I know. and either way my. the people I live w/ haven’t met them so. I can’t stay w/ my parents [like I can visit them on an overnight but that’s it. also I don’t want them involved in this]. so yeah. i’m stuck. bc well it’s ‘not all about’ me as jessica pointed out. which is why i’m at odds w/ her. to get back to the original point of this entry. i’m not angry w/ her it just hurt. I mean yeah maybe it’s not [actually I know it’s not] but that’s not the way to put it. i’m already pretty damn fragile and vulnerable here. yeah well it’s not all about christopher either but it’s starting to feel like it is. even if he did move quickly [which honestly i’m hoping he will but that’s not happening] they have to find a place that can accommodate them. I don’t understand why they’re waiting to do that though besides oh, right, it’s not all about me. no yeah I got that. believe me I fukin got that. yeah that’s not helping my depression any. I think I might have to wait awhile before he goes to the hospital. and even if he does he might not be there long enough for him not to come back. so if he went and then came back he might get like that again. in fact he probably will. while meanwhile i’m here terrified as anything and stuck and getting more depressed [I mean that clinically] than I already was. [which of course I won’t tell them cause then well. then i’d be uncomfortable. which I’ve already been the past 3 month, so]. in a way this couldn’t have come at a worse time.