Failed ANOTHER test, tired, had kids last night. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I didn’t get off work until after midnight on Thursday night and because I made a decent amount of cash, I got dinner at Denny’s and then came home and studied for a couple of hours. I then got up at 7am and studied for about an hour an a half until the test. I knew I was probably going to fail even before I got there and then I see the test and it’s got a bunch of shit that wasn’t even on the fucking study guide so I feel like we are just set up to fail. I’m so fucking over that class. I told my student success teacher to maybe have my instructor call or email me and see if I am still able to pull my grade up before the semester ends in like a month or if I should just withdraw. She never did get back to me but I really would love to know which direction I need to go in. It’s really going to suck if I have to take it again and I don’t know if financial aid will cover it. I’m pretty stressed over this but realize that even if I do have to take it again, it’s not the end of the world.

I then left out of there and went to the bank where I discovered my paycheck wasn’t as big as I was expecting and then went to housing to report that I’ll be making a little bit more money but only sometimes and for maybe 3 hours a night. I’m not sure how that’s going to work out but I’m scared it’s going to run my rent up to a ridiculous amount that is going to be impossible to pay unless I end up closing all the fucking time which I refuse to because I was already exhausted all day yesterday from not getting enough sleep and having to study and don’t want to go through that on a regular basis again. Ugh, hopefully things will work out.

It was my friends birthday so I took her out to lunch and didn’t really want to because I hate spending a lot of money on things like that but it was only $30 and she made my birthday so special last year that I wanted to do the same for her. I also later went with my brother and his girlfriend to get my niece from daycare and bought her a $35 Elsa doll from Gordmans. My brother chipped in like $15 but she wanted it so bad and she never asks for much so I wanted her to have it. He wanted to put it on layaway and get it for Christmas but she wasn’t letting go of it. I just didn’t have the heart to make her put it back and it made her so happy! I had her and my friends daughter last night and they played together so good and both loved that doll, it was super cute!

I took a nap earlier after both kids went home. I was just exhausted! I also struggled to wake up and actually start doing stuff this morning too. I was able to get my kitchen cleaned up, make my bed, do laundry and throw a bunch of shit away. My house looks beautiful again. I hate that I don’t have the time or energy to clean much during the week but it is nice that I have my house clean on my days off. My nap was amazing. I only slept for like an hour but it felt so good.

I’ve also gotten some of my med term homework done. I have to learn some abbreviations for Tuesday and then the review is due on Thursday and I’d like to get that done tomorrow or Monday because I probably won’t have the time to do it because I have to close Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday. I’m not entirely excited about it because my next check goes to rent but I still get to make tips so I’ll be okay. I’m hoping that my check after this one will be bigger so I can pay some bills and have some left over. I never did find a pair of boots, a winter coat or a new pair of jeans like I wanted. I hate freezing at work and having cold/wet shoes but I just didn’t like any of the snow boots at Gordmans and I don’t want to buy stuff and then never wear it.

I’ve been thinking about my parents some and really wish that they would straighten up. I understand that my Mom lost her job because of someone else creating problems but she hasn’t kept a job for over a year now and I know we all get dealt some shitty blows but at some point you have to pick yourself back up and start living again. I mean damn, I lost my boyfriend and my car and literally fell apart and was about as far down as a person could be but I knew that I wanted to change. I knew that I couldn’t continue on like I was. I remember just wanting to get over my ex so I worked 2 jobs and started to feel better about things. I do understand that my Mom doesn’t really want to work because my Dad and little brother use her and make her pay for pretty much everything but she needs to grow enough backbone to not allow it anymore! She has supported my Dad for 35 years and I think it’s time for them to them to split the bills equally!

My parents are more fucked up than I ever realized and if I spend too much time thinking about it, I know I will never want to end up like them. My siblings and I grew up poor because my Dad never worked and made sure that not only did my Mom always work and pay the bills, but his needs came first. He used to smoke a lot of pot and my Mom had to pay for it! Along with his cigarettes and beer. I always remember her paying for all of his shit. She’s bought him so many computers, horses, cars, and he’s never appreciated any of it. She also paid of his child support (I have an older brother) which wasn’t even her responsibility! My Dad has done nothing but suck off everyone and I just refuse to let him do it to me anymore! He’s always used my Mother to manipulate all of us into giving them money and helping them pay the bills but enough is enough. It’s just sad that they’ve chased everyone away being the way they are. My parents are very heartless, self-absorbed people that really don’t care about anyone but themselves.

I’ve just lost so much respect for them because of how much they’ve used me, especially when that mechanic wouldn’t let me have my car and I had to give them $1,300! I never got a penny of that back but I’m not supposed to ever mention it because they honestly don’t care. They don’t feel like they’ve done anything wrong. I also found out through an old co-worker of my Mom’s that she’s also lied about jobs to her as well. I just don’t think my Mom plans to get another job which is one thing but because she’s gone out of her way to make everyone believe that she’s gonna get a job or has one is complete bullshit.

I spoke with her the other night while I was working and she said that my little brother blocked my phone number due to the fact that the last time we talked, I yelled at her because of the whole Ryan thing so he felt like he was “protecting” her. Um, yeah well I wish I would have had someone to protect me from them my whole life! My parents are the most manipulative, selfish, greedy people I have ever met and I feel so fortunate every day that I don’t live with them and we have no ties anymore. I’m sorry that I feel very much victimized by them and just glad that I don’t have to have them in my life if I don’t want to.

Anyways, it’s nice to just be at home relaxing. I plan for an early bedtime tonight as I’m still tired and just love being home where it’s warm and comforting. I just took a hot bubble bath and feel very much relaxed. I had posted an ad on CL a few days ago and some guy emailed me asking me to dinner and a movie but then never responded once he got my pic. Well, I’m sorry I’m not attractive enough to spend money on and I can just stay home, which is what I wanted to do in the first place. I just don’t see myself finding anyone and that’s just fine. Men are extremely selfish creatures and I’m not at the point in my life where I want to put up with someone’s bullshit anyway. I just don’t see myself with anyone and sometimes it makes me really sad. I’ve always been on my own and by myself and it just gets so fucking hard to deal with sometimes. It’s frustrating to be at work knowing I’m going to come home to an empty house. I’ve been super lonely lately and just feel like I haven’t hardly gotten any socialization at all. I still feel very isolated.

I’ve been told that I’m not crazy enough and I’m too independent. Well, I’ve had to be. I don’t have anyone I can rely on and I’m just used to being my own best friend. I want someone that will be able to handle me being as strong and independent as I am and not try to change me. I would love to find someone who would actually be a good, productive person and would want to help me when I need stuff done, like moving or moving furniture around and shit like that. It sucks that I don’t really have friends that are able to come around on a regular basis or even answer the phone when I need someone to talk to. I just feel like no one ever has time for me and it makes me feel invisible.

But it’s like tonight, because it’s so cold and snowy outside, I’m more than content sitting here in my recliner, watching tv and just hanging out. Would it be nice if I had someone to cuddle in my bed and watch a movie with me? Absolutely but I can’t seem to find someone willing to do that unless we are going to have sex. I just don’t get why it always has to be about sex. I know that I have one helluva sex drive but I think it’s more important to just get to know someone and feel comfortable with them before worrying about sex. I just want someone to spend time with, lay in bed and talk to, and someone to be with when I’m not working and I don’t have my niece but apparently I’m asking too much. I don’t know what it’s ever going to take to find somebody but I just hope that someone will come along, even as a friend so that I have someone I can plan on hearing from daily. I really miss that.

Anyways, I’m going to watch tv, brush my teeth and go to bed.