Nojomo 15 in Nojomo 2014

My saddest memory. I know I’ve been anti these negatives, but I’m going with it. And I’m not going with just one again.

I have stills of memory. As though the home movie has been stopped or slowed down.

There was the moment when we, my siblings and I, were driving back from the hospital. My dad was still unconscious and it was less than twenty four hours since the midnight phone call to tell us about the car accident. We were almost at my dad’s house when I saw my mum, walking along the road. I was elated, they were wrong! But then we got closer and it was their next door neighbour. That was a horrible sadness.

Seeing my dad’s reaction when he woke up and we told him that mum had died. His silent tears, the desperateness of his eyes. That has made me cry so many more times than my own feelings. It’s making me cry now too.

This morning, it never totally leaves, something week always smacks you in the face. It’s almost fourteen years since she died and this morning there it was, that out and out punch. You see everyone’s going on about the Sainsbury Christmas advert so I saw a link on the Huffington post and clicked it. The ad starts with the soldiers in the trenches and they start singing. But it was what they sang. My mums absolute favourite carol. And it isn’t a common one as it’s originally German, the German version was her favourite. Stille Nacht.

For that same reason I can no longer listen to West Side Story or Bridge Over Troubled Water, the latter because describes her perfectly.

I was married a very long time ago. I wasn’t happy and two songs made me feel like I could escape. The first one, America Horse with no Name, made riding on and on through the dessert, until I reached the ocean where I would just keep going seem so appealing.

Then this video, tied with the song told me that I could just get out of my car, leave it on the freeway and escape, leaving everything behind. I think of that moment as the start of the rest of my life.

Rem everybody hurts.

Last updated November 15, 2014