Freefall, Again. in And The Rest.

Hello again, rock bottom.

I know you, we’ve met many times. I know every fold of your black velvet and every sharp serration of your steely grip. I know every word of the lullabies you whisper, and still I’m powerless, I fall over myself to fall in to you. I am an ice cream in a hot room, sliding apart all over the place, all the lines of me merging, running, blurring. I can’t stop myself any more than I can stop ice melting. I’m falling apart faster than I can catch my breath, faster than I can reach for the pieces, my own arms aren’t enough to hold everything in.

I’m unravelling like someone pulled the threads that were just barely holding me together, falling too fast, spiralling. Yesterday I couldn’t even hide it, I always hide it, but I worked pallets plugged in to the furious riffs of the music I hacked at my wrists to, the blood still wet under my sleeves and tears running down my face. I’m so tired, tired of picking up the pieces, all I ever do is fall apart. Everything in between is just waiting for the next time, for this time, for the last time. For the time when I keep my promise to myself, and give up.

I’m afraid of myself, of what I might do. I still look both ways when I cross the road… but every time I think, what if this time I didn’t. I stockpile pills and I look at them, I haven’t taken them but I think about it every day, every hour. I want to, I want to so badly it’s like physical pain, the kind of pain that makes your ribs heave, makes you chew your fist to stifle screams.

I chew my fist and promise myself maybe tomorrow, make it through one more day, because fuck, I just don’t want that for my family. My poor family, already ripped up and sewn back together with surgical stitches and a hole the shape of Dad in the centre. It’s like dawn light on the horizon, bright as hope, red as a creeping bloodstain, I’m trying so hard not to look but light shines even through closed eyes.

These times, are the times I wish I’d talked. To someone, to anyone. I wish someone knew how dark a place my mind is right now, how my fingernails are breaking from clinging on to the edges, how my bleeding arms ache from holding myself together. Do it for me, please, just for a moment, wrap me tight enough to hold my insides in, take control for me because I’ve lost it, I’m careening downhill and I’ve forgotten how to stop, I’m not even sure that I want to.

I need to hear that it’s going to be ok, I’m sick of the sound of my own voice repeating it, I’m a liar and I don’t believe myself. Say it for me, please, look me in the eyes and lie to me because I need it more than oxygen.

I can’t carry on like this, you can only freefall for so long before you hit the ground.