Just my thoughts. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I wake up at 6am and my boyfriend tells me the Sheriff was trying to serve him last night or this morning but they never came. I literally can not believe my Mom got my little brother to file a PO against him. I marvel at how my little brother has been a bully his entire life and has been allowed to beat on the animals and bully ALL of us and then once it happens to him, he can’t handle it. I also wonder what the judge is going to think seeing that they have a PO against my Dad and now my boyfriend. I hope they start to question who the fucking problem is!

I don’t condone what my boyfriend did whatsoever. I definitely don’t agree with it and I’ve made sure he’s aware. My issue is the fact that I know my whole family wants me to split up with him but did my Mom split up with my Dad after she knew he molested us?!?!?! No, she actually did what she could to defend him and make sure he didn’t go to prison for what he did to me. My little brother has also been a monster his whole life and that has all been swept under the rug. I also think it’s ridiculous that I get to go without money promised to me from my Mother after my boyfriend and I both helped like a MF with her selling her house.

It’s just great how I took time away from making money for my family to help them and then drama popped off so my daughter and I get the shit end of the stick. I also think it’s great that my older brother was SO WORRIED I was going to get money while he didn’t do shit to help and he walked away with a good chunk of money guaranteed.

When this first happened, my boyfriend was telling me that I was all about money. Well yeah I guess I am when all I’ve ever done is help them and this was a chance to get at least some money repaid. My Mom also knows our financial situation and still chooses to keep the money. I get that they hate my boyfriend now but she made the deal with him and I both that we would see some money on Friday when she got her check but then since shit popped off, we lose out. I will make sure that I NEVER take time away from my paycheck to help ever again unless I’m getting paid right away.

I’m just tired of shit like this happening. If people don’t like me or decide they are mad, I get fucked over. It’s been the same thing with my kid’s Dad all these years. He didn’t pay CS for YEARS and now is going for visitation after leaving me to raise her without him all along. I went through the sleepless nights, teething, potty training and never having a life outside of being a Mom while he was out living his best life. That fucker told me to get an abortion and threatened to kill me while I was 6 months pregnant and now, he wants visitation. He’s just mad because I have a boyfriend and I don’t ask anything of him so this is his way to stay connected to my life. It’s fucking bullshit.

I just don’t think he’s thought this through. I don’t think he realizes that he’s going to be responsible for transportation while he has her and if she can’t stay with him where he’s residing, I hope he’s budgeting for a motel. I’m going to go through the parenting guidelines and will present my questions when the court date comes. I don’t know if I’ll print out screenshots of him making threats and being emotionally abusive or not because I don’t know if it’s relevant. I have watched enough Tik Toks to know that all the courts care about is the Dad’s being involved. They don’t seem to care if that person is safe or not.

Custody and visitation are 2 different things. Basically with visitation, he’s under no obligation to see or take her so therefore I’m basically on stand by. I know that I’m going to ask for communication to be through email or a parenting app so that he’s more aware of how he’s talking to me and I have records of it. I am just scared that him seeing her is just going to be court ordered torture. I’m honestly scared that I’m going to be stuck putting up with his abuse and I will be responsible for transportation and this ends up like before where him seeing her is just an expensive, inconvenient hassle for me. Even with a court order, I still don’t see him being consistent at all.

I just hope that it’s going to be the same judge that oversaw the PO’s and goes through all the court records. I hope that they set up supervised visits because there’s been history of his threats and because of the fact that he doesn’t have his own place and doesn’t have a car. I really hope that he realizes that this probably won’t go the way he wants it to and he’ll understand that this is going to impede on his time and it’s going to cost him money.

My boyfriend thinks that all this is a good thing that he’s taking me to court because now I don’t have to wonder if he’s going to anymore. I completely agree. I’ve also been threatened with it for a couple of years and I’m anxious to see how it all plays out. I do hope that he sees his child, can be a good influence to her and stay consistent but I think he’s going to get it really quickly that this is going to be a very expensive hassle and I’m sure it won’t last. I know that he’ll probably see her a couple of times and bail out.

I also plan to ask if pick ups and drop off can be through her school. I want to limit my contact with him and I don’t want to be around him if I can avoid it. I don’t want to be around anything that I’ve had to heal from. I’m going to make sure to talk about the transportation aspect because I don’t think it’s fair that I pay for a car and have to be responsible for getting her around and I don’t want to have to do it ever again while she’s with him. That’s just control for him and impeding on my time. I just know whether I bring it up in court or not, he’s going to think I’m going to bring her to him and then I’m going to send a picture of the parenting guidelines stating that he’s responsible for transportation.

My biggest thing is I want to look at this from the perspective of maybe he really is trying to get right and be a decent person for our child. I want to believe that he’s just solely interested in spending time with her, not just using her to control me or be a spy. I want to go into this with practical expectations and do what I can to make sure that there’s accountability on his end. I have always felt that the only way this is ever going to work is for there to be a court order. I remember all those years trying to set up times and days for him to come see her and begging for him to be a Dad and I honestly believe that he’s bitter that I quit doing that years ago. I even stopped sending pictures.

I have always wanted him to be a Dad and for us to get in a good place. I do hope with a court order, it can happen. I know that it’s possible but not probable. He’s bitter and crazy. He’s too worried about creating conflict that I don’t see it really ever working and I need to start looking for a low income lawyer because I’m terrified of having to put up with his lies, abuse, and threats for 10 more years and not being able to do anything about it because there’s a court order. I have seen so many Mom’s deal with this exact same situation and lose their fucking minds. I’m going to try very hard to keep every single conversation about our child and not allow him to trigger me. I just want all contact to be where it can’t be changed or deleted and I have it for court because I know that we’ll be going back.

I wanted to work so bad today because I need to pay my daughter’s phone bill and get gas but it just didn’t happen so I’ve been cleaning and made lunch. I’m just so tired of never making or having enough money. It’s honestly making me super depressed and now that I know we’re going to be here for awhile I want to get a real job. I have to email the landlord and let them know we need at least until September because we aren’t going to have the money to get into another place.

More later.