Years in Journal

It seriously feels like several years between now and March 21st. Yeas. Several.

WHEW

Anywho. Man can I see everything. It’s uh,… weird.
I just got a remedy today called Aurum. Homeopathic Gold. In 10M potency. I bought it on a pretty strong whim that I had that constitutional malady. The one that takes on the world and then when everything falls apart, feels this huge weight of GUILT weighing you down until you just DIE. That one. My God. I took ONE DOSE and I’m like. Holy Shit.

Previous to that I got some stuff called Homeopathic Golden Spiral. This is only 12C. Which for anyone into homeopathy, is quite a low potency. It is all that it comes in. This one is quite interesting- it brings to you whatever it is that you need. You know I believe that we do that naturally, anyways, especially if we are relaxed and trusting and loving towards our Spirit, but homeopathy has a way of speeding things up. That’s why it works so well to heal or cure illness; it allows the body to instantaneously do the work that might have taken days or weeks or years, without it.
So all the things that have happened have seemed to me to be huge and life changing, but they’re all jammed into this 2 week space and Holy Hell there is still another week to Easter.
Laughs maniacally
I’m totally going to make it. Totally. Why wouldn’t I? Totally.

I’ve got this truly amazing perspective.
I don’t think I ever had this perspective, before.
One that is like… not very serious. Yet also loving and grateful and full of compassion. I just… it’s inexplicable. Inexplicable.
So I made bad decisions. Yesterday, I was drowning in GUILT over these bad decisions. And yet, my soul fam is like, “no worries! we got you! we’re still rooting for you!” and I’m like… “but I’m the WORST” and maybe even worse than that, “anyone who roots for this shitty, proud, selfish, arrogant, horrible, self-righteous, inconsiderate a-hole can’t be good, so who give a shit what you think?” bah, lol. I still laugh, though because I see how it’s just a consequence of that choice to be proud, arrogant, or whatever.
It’s totally wild, man.
I feel like I’m on a weeks-long psychedelic trip.

Speaking of, I already ordered another remedy, for whenever I guess, ayahuasca. No, people. It’s not actually drugs. Homeopathy doesn’t actually have anything in it. Just sugar, and a drop of the homeopathic preparation. If I had an aurum constitution, then there is an absolute butt ton of ancestral crap back there. Not that I didn’t know that. But me in my arrogance wasn’t open to the possibilities. Now I just feel like… whatever is needed, that’s what is going to happen. Almost irrelevant how I feel about it. I don’t like drugs, btw. I don’t even like weed. Obviously a crude ayahuasca trip is completely out of the question. I have extreme multiple chemical sensitivity, like, I cannot tolerate chlorine cleaner in the house, let alone open a jug, or fluoride toothpaste. I can’t even wear jewelry, people. No makeup. My life is boring.
However, I still am open to the possibility that a crude drug trip might become an option or even necessary at some point. Not saying I wouldn’t do it but I do have some commitments to not die before my time, too.

The GUILT fell away and… well that’s not totally accurate. It’s still there… on some level. It’s accessible if I go there and participate in that character. That part. What is she doing? She’s actually, repentant. So that part is in the past and yet still accessible. Wow.
So it would seem that I zoomed out from that part and the simple awareness of what was allowed that GUILT to spontaneously dissipate with true repentance.
Repentance. Yes, I said it.
To whom? To my soul fam, as I said earlier. These golden light beings have been here with me, forever, at least. I have a lot of them. More than most people have, I wager. They are crowding a bit. But I love them. Anywho, these things are beings that guard my life and energy and decisions and purpose and that sort of thing. I have had several direct sense experiences of them- most of the time I see them, but some few occasions I have heard them speak out loud to me. Which is very interesting. Of course, they are never want to interfere when I don’t want them to. Which brings us to the whole ‘I was arrogant and rejected their guidance, but they were always there, cheering me on, no matter what kind of awful mess I made for myself’.
I guess I finally have acknowledged my status as a rank mystic. Damn. I thought I could get away with being all empirical and reasonable. In a lot of ways, Steiner-esque, I am empirical. I simply refuse to reject my own sense experiences, anymore.

Cheers.