Zooming Out in Journal

from that heart-centered place, where the light of heaven shines its consciousness down into my mind, allowing my eye to witness the living Heart that is my own Soul enlivening my body moment by moment …

Luke Storey is right. You can zoom out, and witness that the virtue creates the evil, and visa vie. They embrace one another, each a polarity created and sustained by the other. To accept and pursue one is to resist and reject the other; giving them both equal creative substantive energy and maintenance.

I mean, what if? What if that truly is the nature of the realm? What’s the point?

The thing I can’t wrap my mind around is thusly; What do we do with unrepentant abusers? I mean, objectively, I would say ostracism is just fine. I don’t feel that we should be in association with people who promise to harm us. Isn’t that reasonable? I think now of my mom, of course. And it is important not because I have any anger towards her, but because this is so intrinsically tied up with J that I simply cannot let it go without figuring it out.
A friend told me yesterday or a day before that I need to let J yell at me. Also at our son. Now, that is a hard no, for me. It’s a hard no because I spent the first 20+ years of my life being screamed at. Not just screamed at, but it was a large part of my interactions as a child. Maybe I have not identified what good came out of it? What good have I received from being screamed at?

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I had to sleep. I didn’t sleep well. Haven’t had a night’s sleep in awhile, now.

I woke up with the idea that- she’s still abusing me. The reason I can’t just give her what she wants, even though I actually want to, and would like to, is that she is still harming me.