Trust in Journal

& submission

A friend recommended to me Zak Roedd. I read whole book today.

I feel quite sheepish. The transparency of what is/was happening in light of his paradigm is just… Well. It’s the broad side of the barn, as they say. Bah, humbug it’s nice to be wrong sometimes, you know? I feel attracted to people who can prove me wrong. I’m not tooting my own horn or anything, but it doesn’t happen that often.

Although I’m not sure how I really regard my friend, now. While, perhaps I was wrong on some small level, I did reach clarity and honest to goodness vulnerability a long time ago.
And perhaps that is where my enhanced feeling of femininity and receptivity has suddenly sprung, of late? I walked away. I stopped caring. I stopped trying to solve or fix or do. And nothing changed, of course, but I feel great. Lol

And in no small way I feel betrayed. By whom? I’m not sure. I feel like I should have had some sense of self worth coming out of childhood. I feel like this at least should have been mine by right, if my parents claimed to love me.
When I think of this, I think of my son, who has now a very robust sense of who he is and what he likes, and I just breaks my heart to think about what a little boy without a sense of self worth would have had to endure. Because self worth is absolutely intrinsic. Babies are born screaming to have their needs met. And, if you just don’t brutalize them, babies continue to assertively communicate their needs and wants and preferences, right up until they can speak, and beyond. My son tells me in no uncertain terms what he wants. All the time. Almost non stop! Behind that ability is the core belief that he is WORTH having that need or preference or want fulfilled- just because he wants it and for no other reason. He knows in his bones that I care that he is happy. That’s why he tells me what he wants.

An immature man will take a woman’s submission and will not reciprocate. An immature man hears his woman’s vulnerable expression of hurt, and doesn’t care. An immature man fails to take responsibility for his actions and decisions. An immature man is dangerous.

Does that sound familiar? It couldn’t be… No. Nuh- uh.

Anywho. I didn’t sleep much last night. But I had some nice dreams