Entry 101: Conversations & Seeking Advice in Much Ado About Nothing

So, I’ll put the actual bits I wanted to write yesterday into here towards the end because I’m not going into Sunday without at least openly analyzing some shit. But, of course, I wanted to discuss the protest today a little, too.

The Protest itself wasn’t bad. I ran into some theater friends. Admittedly, I ran into one of Hermia’s best friends and they didn’t acknowledge me and I didn’t acknowledge them so… I have no room to suggest that meant anything. They may not have seen or recognized me or they are of the opinion that since I hurt their friend, I am The Great Satan. And frankly, though I did see them and recognize them, at this point I am not going to attempt to re-connect in case it is that they see me as The Great Satan.
Now… I would never share this with anyone that could be affected by it but.... because of Hermia’s friend’s preferred pronouns, I had to go back and re-do the preceding to replace all of the gendered pronouns with the correct they/them. Which, while tedious, I don’t mind doing. Obviously. I wouldn’t have done it if I had minded. But, even in this space where they will never see, it is important to use proper pronouns as a matter of respect. AND YET (this is the secret part) Hermia was… shockingly critical of “the pronoun issue.” She was proud that almost her entire friend base was queer in one way or another… gay, non-binary, gender fluid.... but even about her own closest friend, she would say shit like “I’m sure she’s mostly doing it as a prolonged sense of rebellion or seeking attention. I don’t even use the non-binary pronouns unless she’s in my presence because why bother?” And that was one of the nicer exchanges on that topic to relay so… that’s… I have plenty of reasons, many of which nobody in my life will actually know, for why we didn’t work out. More on that later.
But the protest was okay. Did some marching. Had multiple speakers. I was on constant alert for Counter Protestors and saw none. It was really cold and I don’t think I’ve stood straight for 3 hours in a long time so… my body had some words to share… but the event wasn’t bad. Over 100 people attended which, when you consider there were at least 5 other events all within driving distance? That’s not bad.

But after coming home and giving my back some much needed rest? The Local Paper posted their coverage of the event. Tepid, lazy, but I’m not entirely surprised. What did surprise me were the comments, which I guess- shouldn’t have.
Sure, there were the usual PRAISE TRUMP, DADDY TRUMP, TRUMP IS GOOD shit. I mean, this is Iowa where our legislators stripped Transpeople of all civil rights so… you will get that. But what surprised me (and should not have) was the venomous hatred and the seething in some of the comments. And this bizarre talking point that kept coming up. Before I share some of the comments, I do want to note the Projection/Irony. People being hateful calling other people hateful. But there were comments like:
(1) These stupid mfers are so full of hate and Trump Derangement Syndrome that they’re willing to sell out our country for their hate!! (My Response internally: REALLY?! Because wasn’t it your deep hatred of the “liberals” and “godless trannys” that made you vote for someone whose policies just got you fired?)
(2) I have NEVER seen a group of more hateful, tantrum throwing moronic babies bitching about “democracy”… it’s a REPUBLIC you complete idiots! (PB Note: THIS is the weird thing that started popping up in every comment. The distinction between democracy and republic.)
(3) I can’t believe the city gave these expletive deleted by host site a permit for this stupid shit! I remember when I went to school BEFORE THEY TRIED TO MAKE THE KIDS TRANS that we were taught this is a REPUBLIC!
(4) Wow! I guess performative tantrums are all the demoncrats have left! Good thing we shut down the department of DEI so you liberal monsters can’t control curriculum! the REPUBLIC for which it stands, you stupid asses!

And just… comment after comment after comment after comment after comment after comment after comment after comment after comment after comment like that!
Now one of my family members who organizes politically suggested, “This is what we’d expect to see from cult members at this point. The Cult Leader has show his apathy toward them, they have nothing left but to double down, and they’re angry because some of them might be starting to understand how bad this is getting. But they can’t leave. Most of them never will. They’ll just get more angry and more isolated and keep lashing out at people.” And she’s right. And I know she’s right. But this is exactly the kind of IOWA NICE, WHITE CHRISTIAN NATIONALISM that swept this fucking state. Voted for Obama twice then Trump thrice. Politically from these fuckers it was “We elected the black Muslim, so now you can’t say racism exists. But like we told you he would, the black Muslim ruined everything so we need someone like Trump who understands us and has the same priorities!” And yes… that’s the Iowa Red Voter I typically run into. Which is why I no longer even use the Counter Argument of “Cheating on his wives, defrauding a charity, sexually assaulting people, open racism towards black people, open antisemitism, an abject hatred of accountability or honesty, literally bragging about crimes like tax evasion, turning on American allies while being obsequious to Putin .... which of these priorities do you align with most strongly?” Because then they just devolve into a slobbering screaming mess screaming “THE DEMOCRATS HAVE DONE WAY WORSE AND THEY’VE DONE IT TO THIS COUNTRY AND ALL YOU SUPPORT IS OPEN BORDERS AND FAGGOTS” and I just don’t want to keep having that conversation.

And as I’ve said before and will say again… History Brains, Political Brains, International Brains, and Economic Brains have all said, “Trump has already done irrevocable damage to the world and the Country. The kind of shit that will take a decade or more to address if we even can repair everything which is looking less and less likely every day.” And the biggest, scariest, saddest part of that? It includes everything. We will be dealing with the literal CULT OF TRUMP until Trump dies and then, very likely, well after that as well. For far too many of these people? Russia could drop a nuclear bomb on Ukraine, Trump could say, “Putin was provoked. He had every reason to do it. We like that he did that.” And Trump Supporters would agree and celebrate the move. For fucks sake, Iowa Farmers will again lose massive market share to South America and China (already have) but as long as Trump discusses “protecting children from woke, DEI agendas and these kids, have you seen these kids, they’re going to school a boy and coming home a girl, it’s a tragedy” and these people EAT THAT SHIT UP!! You assholes won’t even let your school districts have boys on dance team, lest the gay find them.... and you think your schools are doing full fucking PsyOps to turn dirt-eating Danny into menstruating Martha? But it works. It is working. The Iowa House has 99 legislators. 67 of them are Republican (Super Majority). The Iowa Senate has 50 legislators. 34 of them are Republican (Super Majority). Our elected Attorney General? A Republican with almost ZERO trial history and fuckall for experience leading anything.... won resoundingly over the Democrat who had held the office for 2 decades. Because in Iowa, our political motto is “FUCK the Democrats! Trump is Life!”
By the way… on my drive to work? I still pass a 65 foot flag that says “DON’T BLAME ME, I VOTED FOR TRUMP!” which… this long after the election and this far into Trump’s term seems.... an interesting choice.

ANYWAY, sorry for all of that just… life in America and life in a red state where, despite being a leader in New Cancers just passed a law to make it harder to sue Monsanto… which, by the way, that Chemical Company is owned by Bayer who wrote the fucking bill so… that’s IOWA right now. But I did want to use this space for something constructive and seeking guidance a little.

YESTERDAY with all of the April 4th stuff and me eating dinner at the bar alone… I started thinking. Now, I’m trying not to think my way out of whatever may be starting with Laura but I am also trying to be AWARE and HEADS UP. I’m still ruddy new to boundaries and trying to balance the “I would like you to know me but shouldn’t drop all of my defenses immediately” stuff. So, I was thinking.... what were things I liked about previous partners and what are things I need to be alert for regarding behaviors from previous partners. Here are some examples but I am sincerely looking for input. What are things I should be alert for, aware to see.... I know this is bloody personal but yes I am asking for help on the GREEN FLAG/RED FLAG front, please.

Nancy
Obviously, I found her beautiful, sexy even. Which is the irony because marrying someone you think is sexy, and continue to think is sexy as they age and change is a good thing… just… they have to be on that path as well. But there were GOOD things. I learned a lot. I grew a lot as a person. We shared interests. We were (mostly) equally able to enjoy a night out or a night in. The “I like cooking, but only with someone else present even if I’m the only one cooking” comes from my time with Nancy. In good times, we were seriously able to carry good conversations! The red flags? (1) Silent Treatment is a Red Flag. (2) A total refusal to engage in physical touch is a Red Flag. (3) Requiring me to be the SOLE emotional laborer is a Red Flag. (4) Refusal to grow or attempt new solutions to repeated problems is a Red Flag. For those who have been with me for a long time.... any Greens or Reds I’m missing?

Essen
I’m honestly a little worried that the best and worst things of this experience were all borne strictly from trauma bonding and/or my inability to keep my own defenses up. I mean, when we first met? I knew what the angle was. I was prepared for it. And I was able to win against it. Until we started spending considerable 1 on 1 time together. And the intimacy of it. Her needing someone, me needing someone. The deep conversations that lasted for hours. The comfort physical contact growing into an almost needful sexual physical contact. Exploring kink and learning turn ons. Vast similar interests with enough that were “similar but different masteries” that we could learn and enjoy each others company for a long time. CLEARLY though, the primary Red Flags through all of this were ones I identified walking in and still got clotheslined by the damned thing. But other than “Be wary of chaotic, inconsistent women experiencing gigantically massively trauma-inducing life upheavals who have clearly indicated that they do not want a real relationship of any kind”… I’m not quite sure what the massive Red Flags were that might be more universally applied. I suppose the watch words in all of that are Green Flag: Communication, Closeness, Intimacy, sexual and emotional connection; Red Flag: inconsistency, chaos, trauma bonding?? AGAIN, as ridiculous and unfair as it may be- I am honestly asking people to weigh in.

Hermia
As this is the most recent, the Red Flags are fairly obvious, though I am certainly open to interpretation and correction. (1) Don’t wrap someone up into your family drama quickly; doing so is a red flag that indicates unhealed emotional and psychological wounds. (2) No matter the words, trust action. Someone can SAY they are entirely independent all they want to, but if you’re not careful- that quickly becomes “What do you mean you aren’t driving me to everywhere I want to go?” (3) Trust that significant arguments should not be a “small hurdle” to the start of a new relationship. If they are going to scream and have a tantrum for an hour over something small- imagine what will happen over bigger things! (4) Be cautious of attempts to change you to fit a different mold. Growth and change can be good, but you’re 40 years old… if someone wants you to be a different person, they can sod off. (5) BE ON THE LOOKOUT for control or emotional manipulation. Anything else that I should be on my toes about in this issue?

Because that is what is on my mind. I am going to go to this date. I’ll enjoy it almost no matter what, I think. I will use our experience on the date to consider if I should ask her to HadesTown AND as a part of that, I will ask her questions getting to know her in important areas like how does she feel about crowds, about sitting for several hours, about watching live theater… that kind of thing. I’m being as open to this experience as I possibly can be. Which is why my brain is saying, “That’s all well and good, old boy, but do make sure that you aren’t ignoring important red flags again. It would be ghastly to think that the same mistakes we made in the year 2000 were the same mistakes we made in the year 2005 were the same mistakes we made in the year 2020 were the same mistakes we made in the year 2023!