Today in Journal

Am I so dead set on just running the hamster wheel?

Even after doing so much and feeling like on a roll, I have these thoughts of… “Now he’ll finally want me” or ” this will fix it so I can stay”…
It’s crazy how much my thought patterns are wrapped up in this narrative. Also interesting how separate from but also annoyed by I feel about my thoughts… Like one of those annoying jabbering lonely kids that won’t leave you alone. You know the kind. No boundaries. Don’t care that you’re clearly annoyed and want them to just go away, but not mean enough to say so. Yeah. That’s my thoughts.
Lol

There are lots of things that I remind these thoughts of, and the back-and-forth gets old. This and that andthe other thing, but-… This and that andthe other thing, again. He doesn’t want you. If he did, This and that andthe other thing would never have occurred.
All of the objective behaviors that simply pile up and pile up to say - “hey. I didn’t want this in the first place. I’m not on your side. I don’t really want you here. No, I won’t ever be on your side or protect you. I will never be passionate or love you. I will always side with my dad. I will not stand up for you. I won’t even stand up for myself. I will just quietly accept the status quo and allow my identity to fade away.”

And there is a quiet desperation about the way I am want to respond to this. I go in there, I ask, but why? Is it because of This and that andthe other thing? Is it something I can fix?
I can step back and recognize those responses from my childhood, but goddamn. Is it difficult to let go of a habit that feels so self righteous. “But I’m the good one!” I’m earnest and honest and blah blah all that boring junk about how great I am.
Barf
Y’all catch that email from my mom? Think I caught a bit of that insufferable self righteous crap? Yeesh

Kinda grosses me out how communicable these diseases are