Suicide in Bittersweet

You bring this most beautiful perfect child into this world. You do your best against all odds. To keep that child alive. Despite their and the worlds intentions to take them out. You raise this child. This most amazing human being. You do everything you can.

And they choose to take themselves out of it.

Not my child. My cousin. He and I were the good ones.

My brother and sister both drink heavily and get stoned constantly and possibly other shit. His sister is a prostitute to support her extremely heavy drug habits. She uses hard drugs and is homeless. His brother was a drug user until he got a girl pregnant. Hec cleaned up. The mother didnt and now he raises his kid on his own. 

But my cousin and I. We were the good ones. The ones our parents didnt worry about doing dumb shit...

Despite my several suicide attempts that really my family didnt know much about. Even the ones as a teenager. Depression is real you know..

He got a girl. Bought a house. Got a dog. was so happy. She left him... and he started drinking heavily... its been a couple months.

He was on the phone with my parents talking about killing himself. They were trying to talk him out of it, Go from Ak to where they live. Visit grandpa, hang out with them. Change of pace. The phone cut out and they kept trying to call back. They called his parents. Who called the cops. They peeked in windows and didnt see anything so the cops left. They called his friend who broke down the door.

He shot himself they estimated 10 minutes or less after the phone disconnected with my stepdad.

To say im shocked is an understatement. Granted I havent seen him in years. But these were the close cousins you spend your weekends with. On the coattails of the teenager who killed himself, one of our clients, last month. I really tailspun. I was hit really hard.

As a mom, I felt the first... as a mom i feel the second. As a human i feel them both. Some people say im cold about death. Im not .I mask it well.

I masked it just enough at work... it was bad. R said something about my good morning message seemed off so when her 8 am didnt show, she came over and i just lost it. For clarification. Im not a hugger. And I mean I do not like hugs, I do not try to get hugged almost ever. Im very much a no touchy person and I fold for my kids. I give on the husband. I dont hug people. She hugged me. Shes like im going to hug you now. And i just cried. I didnt wear makeup all week because I didnt know how long I would hold it together. I looked like crap.

That was on April fools day... Its only been four days.

Day after I did two interviews back to back. I was lead on them and it was NOT a good time. I should have had CEO take over and do backup. But they are my team so I did it. I was a mess. I apologized to both. I later hired both and they started on Friday ( my new virtual assistants) I did tell them I had a very sudden death in the family that rattled me. 

Its been a lot... Im a mess and I dont know what to do with myself in some ways... But ill be ok... Just.... no one thinks about post suicide life... No one looks at or thinks about or talks about what its life to be impacted. 
but the one thing that made me mad. Like really bad. Are all the people posting facebook and shit. I love you bro. I miss you bro. We will be together again. And its like... Why didnt you show that in life too? I texted his mom. Sending love and thinking of you. But I talk to HER. Shes the only one who still calls me by my childhood nickname haha. But show your people your love. Tell them you love them. Unashamed. Because you never know if that ONE thing may be the difference. That one word, or statement or smile. MAY be the reason they hang on just a bit more... And if not. At least you told them what they mean to you when they could still hear it.