Spoken Too Soon in Journal

WOW is this sad.

Mom, with all due respect and all that, you need to WAKE THE FUCK UP.

Your email is very sad, victimized, and helpless. You’re in you’re what-? 60’s? Holy Hell, woman. You’re lying about what I said- you changed the word “at” to “in” and you’re going on and on accusing me of completely weird and baseless things.

Maybe you can count with me how many accusations you made of me in this email?

Look, I’m not mad. I’m not angry. Frankly, I hardly care at all since I cannot allow this behavior in my life. But, look, you’re making yourself miserable by engaging in this behavior.

And you know, I am really glad that you found Christ. I really am. I realize that, per this email, you have an incredibly low opinion of me. So my advise probably mean much to you. However, I will just say from my perspective, this is the same-old same-old you’ve said and written and been telling me since the day I was born. And this is dangerous to me. Why? Because you choose to have such a low opinion of me- that I’m incapable of feeling, that I am angry and bitter, that I am driven by some dark and painful past, that I just refuse to forgive because I’m vindictive or something- these are extremely negative charactaristics eh? So because you’re telling me this, I know that a sense of superiority (as it always has) gives you some kind of excuse to have authority over me. And what has always been the result of your exercising authority over me?

I mean if you’re curious you could ask people who were there. And when I say ask, I mean, really ask, and be open to the answer without threatening the bond if the answer is something you don’t like.

And that might be difficult for you, since you did scream at my face with my infant son that I have no feelings when what I spoke of made you uncomfortable. Do you know that it’s okay to feel uncomfortable? That it’s not the other person’s fault that you feel fear or terror or angst or whatever it is you’re feeling? If you do give yourself permission to scream or sneer or do anything at all negative or aggressive towards another solely because of the way you feel in the moment, then I am afraid you will be forever without quality people in your life. Even GOD demands repentance before forgiveness.

You accuse me of failing to forgive, of being angry, and bitter and hateful and all that. Yet if forgiveness is such a virtue for you, you would forgive me for being whatever it is you accuse me of.

Additionally you seem to think that I have some sort of spiritual power to forgive on the behalf of my son. I certainly do not. You screamed at him, too. And countless other times caused him immense stress through your accusational and extremely negative characterization of this mother, who is his source of life and comfort.

So, what would it look like for me to be free of your accusations? What if I was loving, forgiving, open, accepting, and Godly? Are you expecting me to lie to people who ask, rightfully or not, why I do not speak to you? Is it my shame or yours that I tell them the behaviors that prevent me from being in your company?

Without much, if any at all, hope of my message getting through, I certainly do wish you all the best.

ORGINAL EMAIL from Mom

I have been in much thought and prayer about your accusation.

Your email said that I screamed in your face with your infant son which is not true. I don’t ever recall screaming at you. As far as me saying you have no feelings, your anger and bitterness of the past drives you. I have apologized over and over for my faults. I’ve asked for forgiveness.

My love for you has always been there for you. You are blinded to it with all your feelings and hardened your heart towards me, therefore your sight is muddied so you only see what your heart wants you to see. You look in your rearview mirror and only see my past faults. You’re not willing to look forward and not willing to see the change that only Christ has done in me. I already know my faults and mistakes and have been forgiven of them. There is no condemnation in the LORD so I will not be judged based on my wrongs. I’m condemned by you and the world. I live in the consequences of my sin every moment of every hour of every day and will until this decaying body leaves this awful world. I understand you may want answers but throwing accusations out there is not the way to do it. When you reject me; and want no part of me, you reject Christ and the work He has done and is doing. I pray for you Michelle. I pray that you forgive and do it quickly, for we are all fallen and broken.

Receiving and believing in the forgiveness given to us from the work of the cross is what changes us. If we receive His forgiveness and don’t change, then we don’t truly believe. Love is something we must pursue (Proverbs 14:30). We must intentionally put it on every day (it’s not a feeling) and search outward and forward to help others. You are in darkness when you only see the bad in me. I hear about the things you say about me to others. I am not a perfect Mother and I will never be. No one is good, no not one.

But, we are called to love each other (John 13:34-35), even those who hurt us. For we all fall short of His glory every day. We are sinners…it’s who we are, so we must forgive one another of our faults. Forgiveness is not a relationship that says I must wait until you forgive me. I can ask it but I may never receive it from you…that’s on you. Forgiveness is for the individual…freeing them. It’s not agreeing to have a relationship. Forgiveness does not mean we forget because we can’t. We are commanded to forgive and when we do, it frees the bonds of our feelings (feelings keep us in our sinful bonds) removing the past hurts.. It’s not saying what happened was ok because it’s not ok. Change is what needs to happen. It’s letting go of the pain and giving it all to God. I pray for you Michelle, that you will give all your pain to Him. My heart hurts for the pain that I caused you and I am so very sorry. I pray that you love as God intends. I am so very sorry about who I used to be.

People can park themselves in a garage, but it doesn’t make them a car, just as anyone can quote scripture and sit in a pew, but that doesn’t make them a Christian. It’s showing the love of Christ and showing His light for His glory, not our own. You can’t have bitterness and anger in you and still love…they don’t mix, just as you said.

Love believes in the best of everyone. Psalm 35:23-24, love takes no account of the evil done to us. We are called to be quick to forgive, just as God does when we are a believer. Hebrews 8:12, God forgives and forgets our sin. We are called to do the same to those who wrong us. I pray that you forgive me.

I tell you I am truly sorry for my past wrongs…I have so many. I am no longer found guilty in His sight, but I will be forever remorseful. I am sorry for my bad behavior and I can’t undo what I did but I know that with Christ, I am changed now. I had a very muddy windshield and was blinded. I read the bible for many years and still did not understand. Satan comes in and blinds, 1 Corinthians 2:13-14, so that unbelievers will not understand the Bible. You don’t know that you’re lost until you are truly lost and on your knees at the bottom. God had to point me in the right direction, put the right people in my path and then He opened my heart like Lydia, Acts 16:14.

I pray that you truly know the full work of the cross that saves sinners. I pray for your health and joy. I pray that you know love as God intended, not as the world loves. I pray Psalms 139:23-24 for myself as I don’t know all my sin, but He does and shows me. Nobody knows all their sins so we need to ask so we can accept the changes He will make in us. We can’t fully love with all our heart until we know who we are in Christ .....He wants all our heart…not just a little bit.

I do love you M. I will always be remorseful for who I used to be.....it is a humbling reminder every day.