Closed as shift leader, nausea going away, no school today. in Since OD is shutting down....

I have a few minutes to write before getting ready for work. I’m going in at noon today per the request of my boss. So last night, it was a great night for tips and things were going fine other than weather being cold as fuck. She asks me very sweetly if I would close and then come in at noon today. I told her in a voice just above a whisper that I didn’t think I was ready and she was like, “you’ll be fine, I’ll write everything down for you” and then I was okay with it. I admit I didn’t really want to as I have absolutely no self confidence at all but it ended up being okay. I had some help from a couple guys I work with and felt pretty good about it all when I left. I actually enjoyed it and now that I’ve gotten the first initial closing out of the way, I’m not as nervous now. I know that sometimes I kinda have to have things I don’t want to do sprung on me because then I don’t have time to think of an excuse to get out of it.

I wasn’t nauseous at work last night, woke up stomachache free and even took a normal poop which is amazing considering it’s been watery for a week. I do believe I’m gonna be okay. I’ve just never had nausea last for a week after a stomach bug and I hope to not ever experience that again. I haven’t taken my diet drink and probably won’t at least until tomorrow. I am of course eating healthy today and just hope to continue feeling better.

This week is already starting off pretty good. I’m feeling better, tips have been more plentiful, I got my first closing manager shift out of the way and I’ve managed to lose some weight and it’s showing on the scale. I know part of it is from not having an appetite so I haven’t eaten as much but I’ll take it.

I really wish I didn’t have anxiety. I stressed over being a closing manager so much that I did what I could to avoid it and then I finally did it and it wasn’t even that bad and I won’t mind doing it again. I deal with that all the time where I stress over shit, sometimes to the point where I’m physically sick and then once I face it, I’m okay and then annoyed with myself that I spent so much time being scared or worried that I’ll fuck it up. It’s just…annoying. It’s just such a waste to spend so much time worrying over stupid shit. I envy all the people I know that don’t worry about shit like I do because it’s such a waste of time and energy.

It’s super cold today. It’s about 5* but the sky is clear which is helpful. I’m not thrilled that winter time is here but it does mean that I get to buy a pair of cute boots and hopefully a winter jacket. I’ve always wanted to wear black leggings with a pair of super cute boots and now that I’m working, I plan to make that happen. I’ve always wanted to wear that kind of stuff and it’s nice that I could wear it to work and since this paycheck doesn’t go to rent, I think I may spend some time shopping for what I’m looking for.

I have to leave soon. I’m almost ready, just have to finish drying my hair and putting makeup on. I’m hoping it’s going to be another good day. I actually enjoyed closing and they are probably going to mention me doing more of it and that’s fine as long as I have a closing cook and a closing bartender. It’s really not as bad as I originally thought it would be. It just sucks that I had to be pushed into it, even after knowing it’s what I’ve wanted for so long! Gah, anxiety is a mother!

Oh and another thing. I have a feeling I’m going to get my niece taken away again. Anytime my brother’s girlfriend is mad at me, my brother doesn’t answer the phone and anytime he does is when she’s not around. I talked to him yesterday when he was on his way to pick her up and then afterwards, I called several times while I was at work and he didn’t answer or call back. The storm is coming and it’s fucking bullshit. The only thing I did wrong was not coming around much over the weekend because I was sick as fuck but I have a feeling she’s pissed about it and I’m probably gonna go back to not getting to see my niece. I really don’t want to go back to that but I already told him that if it happens again, I’m done. I’m not going to fight to see her again. This shit has happened already too many times and I refuse to participate in trying to reason with a fucking lunatic like her.

There’s a lot of seriously controlling people in my family and I’m just so fucking sick of it. It’s no wonder I go months without speaking to them. I also deal with my little brother blocking me so I can’t call or text my Mom on her phone! He sent a message from her phone last night saying that he unblocked me! Oh okay well I’m glad that I’m allowed to be in contact with my own Mother when he decides it’s okay?! Like wow! I have always said that I was born into the wrong family and I still feel that way. I don’t even use their last name on my Facebook because I hate knowing I’m related to them!

Anyways, time for me to get down the road. I should be back in like 10 or so hours.