NZT-48 Trial in Current Events

It’s like my inner world and outer world are not synced up.

I caught myself going through the motions this morning. Whatever that even means. My mind is preoccupied with the stress of that phone call on Friday. My body is walking around like a zombie doing everything on autopilot.

I am finally sitting pretty. I stopped waiting for the rug to be pulled from under me again and now here I am. My fragile little world just had an earthquake. I don’t know what the damage is yet but I know I will survive. My mind is self-harming me. I had to surrender to it yesterday. I created space for it. Vindictiveness and spite are where I am at. This is my brain trying to gain some sense of control. My anxiety is just trying to prepare me for the worst. It’s only been the opposite so I need to calm down. This is my need for absolute control being humbled.

I just brewed a big batch of green tea. I am going to add a few drops of my B-complex to it once it is cooled down. This is supposed to keep me in that sweet spot between wired and jittery; the caffeine, L-theanine, and B6 & 12. It’s supposed to be like NZT-48 from the movie Limitless which sounds like an egregious exaggeration. I am keeping my expectations low, of course. Supplements are always sold as some life-altering experience. If this can tame my ADHD brain, great!

I can’t recall what my plan was for this weekend. I’m just trying to keep my nervous system protected. I’m taking everything nice and slow. I made a massive checklist last weekend that I intend to work on today. I’m going to test this magic potion first and see if I have the ability to read a book. I can’t even imagine what it must be like to have a neurotypical brain. If I could have one thought at a time instead of 99. If I could just be present for more than 5 minutes…

Shit. I made the brew very strong and I can feel it like crazy now and I don’t like it. It’s making me anxious, I must go burn off this energy lol