Some thoughts as I ponder the meaning and purpose, rewards and consequences of life (Part 1) in Daydreaming on the Porch

I have reached a state in life where the major lessons have been presented to me and mostly learned. Now is the time to think about what life has meant from all that I have done and experienced, and what it’s purpose has been. To that end, I find myself thinking more deeply about the most important questions in life as I glean fragments of the ultimate truth from religion and the teachings of ancient masters whose wisdom has been incorporated into all of humanity’s varied spiritual traditions.

I want to read as never before, filling in the gaps and marveling at how all I’ve done and seen in this lifetime is being integrated into my current thinking, in terms of spiritual, religious  and intellectual pursuits.  It’s really quite mind-expanding to realize this, and to no longer feel I am swimming against the tide and struggling to survive, spiritually, materially and psychically. Retirement has allowed me to reach this point.  

As I start my listening, reading and reflections on the content of creator/ teachers I greatly admire on YouTube, and the books I cannot wait to begin reading, I will try to elaborate more on what I am saying now.

Fortunately, in old age I have rediscovered childlike wonder, but I can honestly say I never fully lost it, nor was it stamped out of me by society and its education and priorities in the molding of future citizens. I didn’t allow that. Of course, a consequence of this has been a solitary life, a loner, if you will, who nevertheless whenever he could, tried to make a positive difference in others lives.

I’ve always felt that if i could, on any given day, make one person feel better about themselves, or make them smile, or do something to help them, I had accomplished a lot.

My final career and my work for 22 years was as a reference librarian in a public library where my main responsibility was to assist the public. I interacted with just about very possible type of person in every class strata. I feel immensely grateful looking back to have had a career that incorporated all my previous job skills and interests.

Ironically, however, I don’t reminisce that much about the last 22 years of my work life. I have one small wooden suitcase filled with memorabilia, but that’s from two decades at the same place. I think the reasons I have so little to remind me of those years is that I had reached a state of flow and completion in terms of career and this all came rather late in my mid-forties.

All the time I was a librarian, the many different duties, responsibilities and challenges were for the most part enjoyable and manageable. I was able to incorporate in my day-to-day work every single one of the skills I had utilized in my previous newspaper and teaching jobs: This included learning, knowing about and showing others sources of information, especially online as the Internet and World Wide Web came fully into being.

The internet, Google, and now artificial intelligence (AI) have, and presently are, changing almost everything about the nature of reference work, as I discovered over the years. I loved my job because I was able to communicate to the public, co-workers, students and members of community organizations how good sources of information could make a huge qualitative difference in their lives — pointing them in beneficial and useful directions as they sought out information to help them in their schoolwork, jobs, and leisure pursuits. There was very little stress, as opposed to all my previous jobs.

By contrast when I worked with individuals who had intellectual and emotional disabilities early in my work life; when I worked for almost nothing for years in newspaper reporting and editing; as an English teacher; when I was a graduate student for much of the 1980s; and in several mind-numbingly boring temporary jobs, I experienced significant periods of stress that led to depression and unemployment and a life of uncertainty amidst constant change. I am not complaining because I believe everything happens for a reason, and I was always pursuing vocational dreams that I felt passionate about, writing and teaching in particular.

Most all the stress and terrible uncertainty and insecurity about the future dissolved almost immediately at the library. I had many co-workers I enjoyed knowing and working with, and life difficulties and personal challenges and responsibilities were quite manageable, including years of caregiving for my mother while working full time. For instance, flexible hours and an understanding supervisor enabled me to devote myself to full-time caregiving for a decade as my mother declined with dementia.

It’s strange but true that I think I have finally worked out a compromise between dwelling on the past and living for the moment, the here and now. Retirement is like a completely different life form the work years. I absolutely love being able to do exactly what I want. The past, as I recount everything I did and didn’t do, is filled with many accomplishments that now seem much more important and worthy to dwell on than the huge failures and setbacks. I’m only human after all.

As I approach my mid-70s, I feel more comfortable in my solitude and aloneness, only occasionally felling truly lonely. I do have those moments when intense loneliness seems to wall me off from others, frightens me, and makes me feel like my mostly stable mental state now is threatened. But I have so much to keep me stimulated and occupied that this state if loneliness and attendant anxiety passes rather quickly.

I know I am certainly not alone in all this. A large percentage of the elderly population lives alone. According to data sourced by the Kaiser Family Foundation (KFF), about 28% of people 65 and older live by themselves, including slightly fewer than 6 million men and slightly more than 10 million women.

I have great respect and admiration for older persons who can live life with zest and independence well into their 80s, especially if they live alone. Who knows if I’ll live that long, but for now I am living the life I want and the failures of the past are behind me. I learned from every mistake and misfortune.

I don’t have regrets because, to re-iterate, I believe everything happens for a reason. We make our own decisions, for better or worse. I always did what I felt I had to do at the time, even if there was agonizing indecision. The outcomes could not have been different because they were not meant to be. I think I’ve believed this to be true most of my life, but especially in the past 20 years.

I continue seeking answers, leaning, trying to puzzle out the mysteries of life and consciousness, and reaching out to people daily in some small, even seemingly insignificant way, whether in person as I go about the daily routines of life, or online, where most of my living, being, communicating and finding fulfillment lies, as difficult as they may be for others to understand.