Under the Bus in Current Events

Now I’m back to this song on repeat. It’s like when you match the frequency of glass, it breaks. When I ignore the lyrics to this song, it matches the frequency of the pressure I feel when anxiety is crushing me. It’s like the anxiety gets to have an out-of-body experience. I can’t make that make sense.

In the conversation that I mentioned in my previous entry, with HR, she was really feeling for me. From her perspective, I am a victim of poor management. I didn’t mean to ruffle any feathers. I compromised a lot of people with my actions. What actions? Using my personal credit cards to help run my program. This was the main issue in question. I took it too far. She needed to understand why and who let me.

My coordinator will be the next person she speaks to about it. I made it clear that he didn’t force me to do anything. He wasn’t comfortable with me doing it. His manager is the one who let me do it. She approved all our decisions. We did not go rogue. I’m hoping that this is where the blame ends up.

I explained how I did this in October. We had two budgets to contend with. Our first one was due at the end of October. I stepped up because at the beginning of that month, I told my coordinator that we were past the point of planning, we needed to be taking action. It was like pulling teeth to get him to do anything. His ADHD Dysfunction was not something he understood until I brought it up. I explained how he and I discussed this already. She understood that I was only there two weeks and was put into this pressure cooker. He started a report one day after it was due, this was after I cleared up his schedule one day the week prior to complete that report, for example. Things like that. He sat around and did next to nothing with everyone else in the office when we had 99 things to do. On the surface, it looks like laziness but when you have ADHD, the avoidance and procrastination are eating you alive on the inside and you need help.

Come February, we had our main budget to liquidate. We were under a lot of pressure from our Youth Director. We didn’t act on anything without her approval. We succeeded but my massive expense claim was flagged by all. She kept apologizing for me being put in a position to do that.

I had to mention my Coordinators nervous breakdown at the beginning of February. He was ready to go on stress leave. He buckled under the pressure. I gave him a pep talk. He’s made a lot of lifestyle changes which has made him better equipped for the stress of the job. He’s stepped up and into his role since.

She was confused about our dynamic when I explained how I have been the one building structure around our program. I produce our checklists of what needs to be done every week. I keep us on task. I take action, I delegate, I prioritize, and I do 99% of the program planning. I make the calendars, I made the flyers, facilitated the logo contest, and got us a logo. This list goes on and on. I made us a banner, and a tablecloth, and merch, etc. I coordinated my coordinator. I explained my background in developing managers so I’ve taken him under my wing because we both want him to grow into his new role. Which he is. This is a conversation he and I have had. I didn’t feel this was balanced but it is now.

We talked about our Elder that we work with. I was shocked by the email from our Assistant Director that he required background checks. I explained how uncomfortable I was about that on day one. He is the brother of the Youth Director and he was upfront about his criminal past and she said it was okay. It felt like a conflict of interest. He is allowed to have a criminal past, we just need to have the background check on it. He was never alone with the participants. I don’t let anyone near them alone ever. I’m very protective. She asked how he has been with the program and I explained that he has been great. The kids really miss him. Currently, he is producing those background checks.

I don’t see them pulling the plug on our program or on us. I’m chopping this down to: There are a lot of blindspots in how things were run and I showed them where they are.

In case we need the backstory, our Executive Director was announced to go on leave in January and return in March. She extended her leave. The Program Director quit. We saw something coming but didn’t know what. Then, in the first week of March, our Youth Director and Wellness Director were announced to be on Leave. Our Secretary, who is the sister of the YD and the facilitator of the girl version of my program quit as well. She is the daughter of the WD. Nobody in the office has any answers, just trauma. I explained to HR that I had been the voice of reason at the office. Keeping the climate cool and calm. There is no evidence that we aren’t all on the same side.

Our Organization was in the news shortly before our ED went on leave. The woman in my office who has been there for a decade told me that this saga looks to be an investigation into the leadership. Since the woman, who works for the province, has stepped in to fill in for 3 roles, things have been moving. She doesn’t have a lot of respect for the ED, whom she reports to. She doesn’t like this woman who is filling in but at least respects that things get done.

She, HR, had stated a few times that she hopes I continue working with them. This wasn’t expressed in a way or tone that sounded threatening. More like a plea to stay. Most people would have tapped out by now going through what I have gone through. She is impressed that I’m still standing and holding everybody together. Praised my work ethic. Let’s hope that is enough to survive this saga.

This too shall pass. We will see what happens. I’ve survived much worse. I am thriving for once so I feel vulnerable. I actually have things to lose this time but I can only control what I can control. I definitely got great resume material. I have money to get through any emergencies, should one happen from this. I don’t think it will but I always leave room for doubt. It’s an ADHD thing. I have 10 worse case scenarios I am prepared for at almost any given time.

I had to vent. Get this out of my system. On with my day then.