After you kill yourself, life goes on without you in Questions

Usually in the worst ways.
Any problem you thought you were fixing is just compounded and made worse.
Anyone you thought you were a burden to, you have cursed them. You have become an eternal weight in their life.
To say it is selfish is an understatement.
To say it is not well thought out is ignorant.

I don’t really like talking about it.
But this particular anniversary has hit especially hard.
I don’t know if it’s because I have returned to therapy, if the gravity of the situation is just finally settling like silt at the bottom of the ocean, or if I am just jealous.

But honestly, fuck you.

Every single person who knew you is not okay.

Fuck you, man.

One day, I will actually process this, and I will move on to James, and then to John, and then to Dori, and then to Grandma, and then to Karl…and before all of that is finished, I’m sure more people I know will die.

And you will just be…the last thing I worry about.

And I guess that will be your legacy.

And I pretend like I’m strong and working on shit, but I’m morning drinking.

As someone who has actually been suicidal for most of their life, and knowing that you were not…the head fuck this all is…

Sometimes I wonder if I’m just a pussy.

Sometimes I wonder, if I would have just killed myself first, you probably wouldn’t have.

Sometimes, I wonder, if I would have just been a better brother…or a better person, in general, if you’d still be here.

But I wasn’t, and you’re not.

I wasn’t, and you’re not.

And that’s that.