The Lone Loner in The Kid Used To Dream

When I was growing up our family pretended to be tight. We went on vacations. We took time to go to the drive-in because 5 movies for 10.00 a car made much more sense than 7.00 a piece for one movie on the inside. What you miss in air-conditioning and zero bugs you gained in more snacks. I especially liked it when we would park in such a way that I could see both screens. This was also back when you hung the speaker on the inside of the car. The sound was horrible but I didn’t notice it as much then as I would now.

I would sometimes get caught up in the silence inside the car. My sister would fall asleep early and my parents would sit there and not say a word for 3 hours. I would pretend to be asleep and watch the other screen. It’s funny - even to this day I find myself turning off the sound and just watching something on TV. The silence didn’t seem to bother me.

When I was at home things were not so much different. My stepdad would come home from work and sleep on the couch until time to eat. Then he would sleep on the couch until bedtime and then go to bed. My mom would sit and read books for days. My sister was clingy so she would sit with my mom and play with her dolls. Me - I would happily be in another room with my hot wheels cars carrying out stunt sequences. The TV would be on in the background and if anyone touched the channel my stepdad would wake up from a dead sleep and yell at you. So, I learned from a young age to go along to get along.

It really didn’t bother me. I actually didn’t think it was harming me except for the older I get the more awkward it is to have relationships. The Internet, social media and text messages saved my sanity. I can be alone and not be alone when I need to be. It’s weird but I have a deeper emotional connection to people I’ll never or hardly ever meet in person. I fear that if we saw one another on a daily basis it would hinder the relationship. I would say that it’s amazing I’ve been married for any length of time. Nevertheless, since I have been airing out my inner most thoughts I’ve begun to realize that I’m okay being alone sometimes. It sometimes causes a conflict when I do want to be alone and it causes a conflict when I don’t.

This may even sound funny from someone that makes their living performing in front of others. It actually works out perfectly. The audience gets to enjoy music and storytelling and I get to be alone, on a stage, but in the same room.

There in lies another problem that I have learned to overcome. The feeling to perform around others in those awkward moments of one on one. There was a time when I was on a road trip with anyone - band members or a colleague - I would perform. I had an arsenal of memorized comedic routines. I had stories of personal situations where I would embellish the details for humor. Silence on a road trip would trigger anxiety. I didn’t know how to just be in the moment without it. I convinced myself I was better off alone. There were days on the tour bus when I would just hang out in my bunk away from everyone else. I do make the best fishing partner though - just sit there quietly waiting for something to bite.

I just realized how long this entry is at this point. Understanding the attention span of others - I would dare say I am alone again. There’s a part of me that hopes I am not. The older I get I realize that I am okay with being alone in the real world - but not in the virtual world. It makes me sad that this part of the entry may never be read.