Pudge in Dreams

Last night I dreamed of a very particular and peculiar sort of relationship. I’m not sure if I made it up. I’ve never read about this dynamic in books or seen it played out in a movie. Probably because it’s not romantic; quite immature, and there is no good outcome for anyone. It strikes me as a tacit- perhaps even unconscious- agreement between the participants. Except I seem to break the agreement with questions and naive bumbling.

My brother was there which makes it sort if interesting. Why was he there?
I’ve had dreams in which one or the other of my parents were present lately, too. Later I usually wonder what they were doing there?

I’ve begun to have a more fluid sense of people. That we are our choices and free will decisions is an egoic masculine individualistic perspective. And that we are the innate, feeling, emotional, experiential, energetics manifested out of the previous moment, being the feminine perspective. I don’t think either is true in isolation. And neither can be true without the other. As the Buddhist points out, the middle path is the way. Neither completely individualized in denial of the spirit, nor completely in the feeling oneness of luciferian denial of the ego, can the human being exist in wholeness. The middle way is not the denial of both extremes; it’s the Acceptance of them.
One must be able to hold one’s own identity in authenticity and definitively know that he is an I AM separate from another. And one must also feel concretely in the world- rooted in it and fundamentally exist IN IT to interact, receive, and also give and create.

My dream was set in sort of an young adult phase of our lives and we were- idk where, some kind of camp or a program or a school for post high school youngsters. Nothing that I can recognize from memory or an actual real place. There was no particular expectations, nor need to work, reminding me of church camp.
I do remember someone I went to HS with being there- an overweight, very bitter and passive aggressive bordering on aggressive girl. She usually tried to stick one to me every chance she got, but she wasn’t as quick (mentally) as me and also.. overweight, haha. I remember this behavior more strongly after she tried to bully me with her size and I literally beat her for it. She never tried it again but the verbal aggression started, and that annoying form of constant pestering that is never enough to even point out… But it’s just a complete drag.
Maybe she was jealous for the attention that I got, but didn’t even necessarily want.
This rings true, as I never dressed up. In fact I dressed like a hobo. A clean one. And still there would always be a soft bordering on pudgy boy fawning over me. Now… I don’t like to be totally mean, but I also don’t like liars. At the same time, I was so utterly desperate for positive attention, to be seen, and to have genuine feedback, that I could only really take what fell in my lap.
I would be contemplating the viscous cycle. You know, that vicious cycle of wondering why no one remotely attractive or honest was interested, but ofc it’s because I dress like a hobo and am a social retard, and the attention from the pudgy guy is almost enough… And never clearly so flawed to say no.

I just had that lightbulb moment, guys.
Not so high IQ, after all 😅

I was lazy. I knew that I had a problem with socializing. Well… That’s not really fair. My parents were heavily invested in me having social problems. They preferred of course that I blame myself and that way they got off the hook. If I confronted the real reason for my social problems, or even improved my problems, they would attack me.
So I wasn’t lazy, but I was dependent upon evil people…
I wondered endlessly about all the dysfunctional men or interested parties. What did they see? Perhaps one of these broken, distorted mirrors would show me a glimpse of the truth? Yet they can only show me what would benefit them. They were broken in specific ways, of course. Just like I was.

Right so continuing on with the dream… At some point I saw a drone come to my window and buzz around. I was like, hell no, so I went to the room over and asked my brother for a shell.. we grew up shooting skeet and reloading thousands of shells, so he knows what a shell is, okay? Only he acted like a moron and took forever. I was impatient. Finally he handed me one and I’d already grabbed my gun - cuz you know it’s always right behind the door, safety first lol- and went out and shot the drone.
Except water came out.
And as water came out I realized it wasn’t a camera drone- it only had speakers on it? And the water immediately saturated the speakers so it wasn’t making any noise.
But then I wondered who was sending me a- message? Information? Knowledge? And, was my brother a saboteur? Or was he allowing me to see what it was instead of blasting it away? 🤔
Anywho, that was about the end of the dream. Except for an inane comment from the bitter fat girl.