NZT-48 in Current Events

Building willpower was the wrong approach. I need to reduce the cravings and the impulses. A little suffering is good for the soul. I need to build resilience. I feel my compulsive nature trying to take over — demonic possession. I don’t know why I am surprised that I am feeling a little depressed about doing nothing. This is the exact pain that compels me to do everything I hate myself for doing. This pain is what I am supposed to be rumbling with. I’m trying to make room for my emotions today but my mind is taking up all the space.

I watched the movie Limitless last night. NZT-48 is a drug that produces enhanced mental acuity which is ADHD God Mode in a nutshell. Knowing your potential and having it out of reach is the true ADHD wound. Me on NZT-48 is who I imagine myself to be if I didn’t have this frustrating dopamine deficiency — Limitless. I don’t need superpowers. I just need to become someone who follows through on ideas and doesn’t get derailed by cravings or impulsive detours.

Don’t cry for me, Argentina. I know that my self-assessment skills are impaired. I have been doing great while doing it all in the dark. This time last year, I was just discovering that I have ADHD. I did not take it well. It’s like being told there is something wrong with your legs. You will never run, you will never swim, and you will never climb but we can help you get the most out of walking. And all you can do is crawl.

I am still in the grieving process. I know this because the grieving process only ends one way. Acceptance. I am somewhere between bargaining and denial. The healing journey only ends way as well. Forgiveness. I am not there yet either.

I am not interested in becoming dependent on any petro-potions but I am curious to try Adderal. If I could just be neurotypical for one day… I am thinking about microdosing shrooms again. I didn’t experience anything the last time. My need for absolute control makes me afraid of narcotics. Makes me afraid of everything, to be frank. Fear boils down to control, after all.

Today is not a pity party, it is just a day to rest. I was in ADHD God Mode on Saturday and I burned myself out. I need to feel guilt-free about it. When resistance training one’s emotions, you need to have a plan. You need the right nutrition, you may need a spotter, but what you need most of all is rest. Recovery is when you build muscle. I gotta let myself breakdown a little bit.