Busy!! in Since OD is shutting down....

I worked a little bit this morning. I ran into a stressful thing and decided to be done. I wanted to get home to my family anyways. My car note is made for this upcoming week so I’m money ahead. I don’t think we’re moving. We talked about it some last night and it just makes more sense to stay here, get our money right, and then plan to go. We just don’t have money for first months rent and deposit. Still don’t know about when he’s going to get unemployment to pay April rent.

Apparently my “Dad” is trying to get a place at a motel. We thought he already got in but I guess not. I’ve been helping my Mom sell some of her furniture and their house is about empty. Her and my little brother stopped by for a minute.

My boyfriend has court on Thursday morning and I’m wanting to go with him. My Mom is supposed to stay with my kid Wednesday night so right now I’m just playing nice so that I’m able to go with him. I’m still pissed about what happened last weekend but I need her to babysit overnight so I have to be nice.

I think it’s great that from here on out, my “Dad” is going to have to pay his own way, think for himself and solve his own problems. He’s never been an adult so I’m sure all of this is extremely scary and overwhelming. He’s the prime example why I will NEVER be totally reliant on my boyfriend. It’s just way better financially and mentally to make your own money. I don’t make a lot of money right now because it’s slow but I make enough to cover my bills, keep gas in my car, and we are never without.

So much has changed in the past couple of weeks and I’m struggling to keep up. I have ADHD and high functioning anxiety so every time I’m alone and bored, my mind is going 100mph and I hate it. I’m really worried about my boyfriend’s court date because I could come home without him. I really hope not because it should just be fines but I’m going to be scared until court happens. I’ve stressed about this since we got pulled over and I’m gonna be so relieved once we know what’s going to happen.

I struggle to eat, shower, and brush my teeth. I’m always making sure everyone else is taken care of first and sometimes it really does get to me. I smelled so bad a couple of days ago that I couldn’t stand myself. My boyfriend had my car to go fix his so I showered and just hung out at home. I don’t get a lot of downtime so it was nice to finally get some time for myself. I love my family and grateful for them every single day but sometimes I just feel super annoyed that no one cleans up after themselves and my needs are forever on the back burner.

DB is still paying CS. I do worry that could end because he was texting my daughter last weekend with a photo of him with his next victim so I have to worry that he’ll move in with her and quit his job. If he does, there’s nothing I can do but hopefully he keeps paying because that money covers my car insurance, internet bill, her phone bill and some extra for her. He managed to tell her a bunch of shit that pissed me off. Her phone broke and I wasn’t able to save the phone number so she has a new one. He now has no way to contact her and I hope that he just goes away. I’m honestly glad that the phone broke.

It’s so crazy everything that’s happened with my parents but I knew it was going to. My “Dad” has always felt that it’s my Mom’s job to take care of him and that’s all he knows. I’m sure that all of this is coming in as a big shock that he’s on his own. I think that it’s slowly hitting him that none of us are going to go out of our way to help him too. I feel bad to an extent but not enough to help. That guy has gone above and beyond to keep me down by never allowing my Mom to babysit and has prevented us from having a decent relationship. We went to their house a few days ago and my boyfriend took a trailer load of shit to the dump. It’s crazy that my “Dad” sat there for YEARS with a pickup where he could’ve gotten rid of all the garbage but chose to be a lazy drunk instead.

I looked up his charges and not only did he get a DUI, but open container and got busted with weed. He smoked a lot when we were kids and I was pretty shocked to see that charge because he’s just so against it but obviously had it with him! Fucking hypocrite!

Honestly, I just hope after the house is sold and all ties have been severed that none of us ever hear from him again. I am so damaged because I grew up in poverty and squalor, all the abuse, and how much control he’s had over my life even though I’m in my late 30’s. I just want the guy to go away. I felt pretty guilty the other day about his vehicle being at a wrecking yard that I considered paying so he could get it out but why? It’s not like he’d appreciate it, or pay it back, and he’ll probably continue to drink and drive and I don’t want to be responsible for him possibly hurting or killing someone. He hasn’t been carless long enough for all this to sink in. He’s always driven drunk and finally got busted for it.

I think he needs to get a lot of help. He’s got more emotional problems than what I’m capable of trying to understand. All he did was control my Mom and spy on her. I wouldn’t be able to live like that or tolerate even half of what she did. I don’t blame her at all for finally being done with all of it. He was always like this, I remember him being weird even when I was a child. All he’s ever done is control every aspect of my Mom’s life and keep her to himself. He was never a fan of her watching our kids or being out of his sight, really. He felt he owned my Mom and she wasn’t allowed to have her own mind or do anything for herself. I wouldn’t have allowed any of this shit nor would I have allowed it to go on as long as she has.

I didn’t grow up with role models. I grew up watching people I didn’t want to be like and situations I never wanted to be in. Honestly, I grew up watching what not to do. Even today, my boyfriend wanted to go for a ride and he’s at his friends house. I don’t bother him while he’s gone or be a bitch to him when he comes home. He’s around us girls day in and day out and needs time for himself. I would call if I had an emergency or something but I also understand that he needs to get out and enjoy some free time as well. He hung out with my daughter this morning so I could work and run a couple of errands. He’s always good about taking her with him when he has stuff to do and she loves going with him.

So I’m going to finish picking up the house and just hang out.