Day 73 - It's Been Five Years. in These Foolish Things

• Five years of Covid. It’s still a fucking thing. And it’s not a minor thing, either. My mom has it again. I hope her body can handle it. My poor dad is struggling with alllll of her medications now because she can’t do her meds at all anymore. Her dementia is advancing. Dad told me last night that he gave her the pills and immediately after, she said, “well, I guess I haven’t taken my pills yet.” And he said, “yes you have!” and then she said, “well, I guess I haven’t had my ice cream yet.” And dad showed her the wrapper. This is tough. The first time Mom had Covid was before her pulmonary embolism, so her body could handle it better. Now, she’s struggling. I asked Dad if I should come up, and he said that they are doing okay and that I’d only be in the way. My SIL is helping. They have the in-home care. But five years of Covid combined with five years of aging has taken its toll on them. On us all.

• Five years since I’ve had the touch of a man. I can’t even believe this. Like, I think I maybe held hands with the Cyclist back in 2021, but I don’t remember even kissing him. The last dick I’ve seen was at the end of February in 2020 when I took a little solo trip to Miami and met that NBA superstar’s bodyguard. He hung out with me at a fancy bar while NBA star guy had dinner with his girlfriend a few tables over. Then he took me to the nightclub and bought me drinks while I danced around the club and he guarded NBA guy at his VIP table. Then, after NBA guy and girlfriend were safely tucked away in their hotel room, he had their driver take us back to my hotel where bodyguard safely escorted me back to my little bungalow and then proceeded to woo me until my leather pants were down and he was sticking it in me from behind. It was fast and hot, but very impersonal. And THAT was my last sexual encounter. FIVE YEARS AGO.

• Five years (actually nearly six years) since my body started to rebel. My left carotid artery essentially exploded at the gym, affecting the flow of blood and oxygen to my brain. Thus began a week of wondering WTF was wrong with my head and coming thisclose to having a stroke. I was a ticking time bomb. Luckily, it was caught before the imminent stroke, but recovery was bizarre. It’s strange to have an invisible life-threatening injury. You look totally normal and nobody understands. But my body was also harboring and growing cancer cells at the same time. I was so busy paying attention to my brain and the massive headaches that caused panic every time they flared. My brain injury fatigue was combined with massive, undiscovered cancer fatigue. AND I was going through peri-menopause AT THE SAME TIME. OH the strange, strange things happening in my body. It was terrifying and also thrilling to still be alive during this time. Such wild emotions. It’s taken five years to somewhat right the ship. I feel good physically. I feel okay mentally. But it will be a forever project. And it all started five years ago.

• Five years of tectonic shifts. No wonder I’m not the same person I was. I feel different now. I find pleasure in different ways than I used to. I listen to my body much, much more closely. I love myself more and do what I can. I don’t feel as stressed, though there is plenty to worry about. I do feel like just about the luckiest person on earth when I wake up every morning. I am grateful for these experiences because I have LIVED through them. But it’s been a GODDAMN BIZARRE FIVE YEARS.

xox,
GS