Confirmation bias in Journal

And other doubts

About my own ability to navigate reality plague my thoughts.

“How would I know? Is there evidence for that? Are there any counter examples?” Runs like a stuck record through my various thoughts.

J has zero concern for me or the family. How would I know? Is there evidence for that? Are there any counter examples?
He knows that his self indulgence is a problem. He knows it harms us. He’s known it for at least 7 years. And he still does it, even at this very moment.

Once, J was really nice and we had a conversation that he initiated and participated in, that I didn’t need to keep goading and he didn’t gaslight me about never remembering any previous conversations.
I remember being so surprised, so relieved, so just… Full of hope. He is capable of being nice. And I told him how much I appreciated it.
And then he just never did it again

Now, why did he do that?
I think .. it was too get me to stay for another however much longer. When was that? … Probably less than a year ago. So he showed me what he was capable of. That he can just been nice, instead of an asshole. So I’d continue to be tortured by this hope for another year or so. How would I know? Is there evidence for that? Are there any counter examples?

He acts like it’s impossible to just stop being an asshole. Like, what? Why can’t you just be nice? “I’m working on it” he’d say. Like it’s a personality change issue. As of to not be an asshole is a huge and complicated endeavor that takes months or years of incredible planning, focus, execution… Like it’s literally a brain transplant. It’s that intense of a job to just not be an asshole.

Except it isn’t. I mean. I’m no innocent in these matters. Believe it or not, I have been and also could be a colossal asshole. But then I decided not to be. And you know what?
It’s easy.
It’s easy eeeeaaasyyyyy.
How would I know? Is there evidence for that? Are there any counter examples?
Hm. Yes. I was manipulative; sweet-taking or coercing people to get what I wanted or needed. It didn’t matter if it was bad or good for them. I refuse to do that now; instead I expect reciprocity for my own initial generosity. And when that reciprocity is left unfulfilled, I’m honest about it.
Counter examples are with my children, but I daresay this is no example of assholery, but a way to offer appropriate choices. I strive to negotiate with my 5 year old especially, and sometimes I fail to think of enticing offers. However, I have never coerced him. And, the fact that I recognize my failure on occasion is substantial evidence that my ideal is negotiation.

So the argument that not being an asshole is some kind of monumental task and achievement is bullshit. Straight cow dung. Bovine excrement.