Entry 75: Lots to Say, No Time To Say It in Much Ado About Nothing

I suppose to start, I should simply say: I am trying to write this rapidly during lunch. At least this part here.
This morning was.... a morning. I always forget my body’s processes for Daylight Shifting. I can’t sleep at all Saturday Night, I can’t sleep at all Sunday Night. Then, blindingly certain that I won’t be late now, my body lets me sleep on Monday Night… but refuses to get up on Tuesday. Especially as I want to start shooting for 5 am wake up times and this “hit snooze until 7 or later” is creating some BAD results… I’ll be reading and re-reading this article trying to adapt it to my life! So, got dressed in a hurry, jumped in the car, raced to the office… made it on time; but I had originally wanted to be in the office early! So, there you go.

As soon as I got into the office, I started to hit the “Prep for over 100 Hearings” hard. As I have mentioned before, on Tuesdays because the job is essentially Data Entry, I typically have a YouTube Playlist going. For some reason, likely the tired, I wanted something energetic and familiar. So I put on the DJ HERO playlist. I should have known how that would have impacted me emotionally. As a FOR INSTANCE: The Shanon who I’d be sort of crushing on in College would always dance very sexy with me at the club to “Don’t Cha”. At first, it was playful for the first several months. But roughly 3 months after the song dropped, I was dating Nancy. Then Shanon would go back and forth from not dancing to being even more sexy with that added under current of “Before, it was don’t cha wish I was yours and now it’s don’t cha wish your girlfriend was hot like me?” So, songs like “Don’t Cha vs. I Know You Want Me” drag me nostalgically back to College time. And then I remember my familiarity with DJ HERO at all is because of Nancy. While I was working at Best Buy they did a Monte Carlo Night for the Staff and Nancy won me the game. So, as I’m trying desperately to burn through my abundant work, my emotions have already started to set up camp in my memory of 2002-2009. And while I’m pushing forward with work, it is hard not to let the emotional thing impact me. I mean… talk about a part of life I would live differently! In so many ways! Academically, socially, sexually, financially, physically, professionally… but of course, there is no going back. There is no correcting what has led to here. And if I’m being entirely honest? HERE is exactly where that Chris would have hoped I’d be. Oh, not Chris circa 2002-2005. But 2006-2009? This is where he was hoping to get to. Of course, in that version, he’d still be married and have some kids by now. So… professionally, he’d be proud of where we wound up. Socially, he’d be devastated as to what’s happened. Which is all.... terribly unfortunate.

The emotions pretty much stayed in that place as I finally finished the Data Entry part of the busy morning and shifted to the “What needs to happen for best outcomes this afternoon?” portion. Which was upsetting. There are specific things that need to be filed at specific times. My administrative assistant is also the administrative assistant to 1 other person. So… sure, there is lots to do… but typically I draft and file all of my own motions, so my administrative assistant only has to do two big things for me. One of those things is filing Formal Citations as outlined by me. After I make the request, there is supposed to be no more than 1 week between making the request, being updated to review the drafts, and filing. I checked the folder today? There are 8 cases just sitting there. Many from 2 weeks ago. Which.... is… exceptionally not cool. So, with today’s requests I attached a little “And also please get the back work done as soon as possible” message.

Checking the Social Medias, at least for now, there are two things to write.
(1) Shakespeare Audition Information went live online. As intended. But there is confusion as to the wording in the Facebook announcement so I asked for clarification. Other previous Shakespeare actors have the same question. After several hours? Still no answer. Which is unfortunate. The announcement says “Auditions March 28 at 11, March 29 at 5. Online and Taped Auditions Acceptable. Make sure to schedule a time before March 23rd.” SO.... are live auditions March 28 and 29 at the times listed? Or do Live Auditions also need to schedule a time? This is confusing because in most auditions for Theater- you show up at the time of the audition. But for Shakespeare- we typically have to request an audition time from the times available. ESPECIALLY as we would like to make Shakespeare accessible to people who haven’t done it before? The Announcement reads as “Here are the Audition Dates and Times. But if you want to do it online, you absolutely can! Just make sure to schedule it so we know when to hop on Zoom or whichever service you’re using!” To those who have done Shakespeare before, there is small debate as to whether it reads that way or if it reads, “Here are the Audition Dates and Times. Schedule a time with the theater for your audition! Online Auditions are also acceptable.” SOoooooo… obviously, I’m going to hope for an answer there. Because as it is currently set up? A whole bunch of people e-mailing the Director asking for a time to audition between 11 am and.... When? Like… the announcement, as it stands, would make the SIGN UP FOR AN AUDITION TIME version a nightmare. We all need clarification.
(2) TiKTok has another scammer messaging me. At least this one, unlike the rest, had the forethought to actually like a video first to suggest that she had seen my content and wanted to engage. Which has been authentically happening more as Blue Dot Iowans are looking for more and more people to try to genuinely push back on the recent insanity. But the messaging was not about content at all. Straight to “Age/Location/Status” kind of thing. She’s a military data analyst widow in Yemen and she plays video games with all of her free time when she’s not on TikTok. Which.... okay. That’s… both credible and setting up potential scam opportunities down the line. Which, of course, because she very quickly wanted to get me to switch to Telegram to talk to her- which I don’t have and don’t do. But again, as ever, as always… these Scam Conversations are going better than anything I am getting via Dating Apps or Singles Events. Which is pathetic, depressing, and awful.

But both of the above actually goes to something I’ve been thinking of lately. Have you ever missed like a certain song or a certain experience? Something you used to do or hear all the time and then one day, you notice you can’t remember the last time you heard or experienced that thing and you just… kind of feel a pang missing it. I realized that I feel that way today. And what I’m missing, strangely, is beauty. Now I know that’s generic as all get out, and it is meant to be. Beauty can be found in the esthetic of a certain person, it can be found in the purity of a truly good deed, it can be found in nature, it can be a painting, it can be an experience. Beauty by definition is simply the quality or group of qualities in a person or thing that gives pleasure to the senses or the mind. “I miss beauty” is essentially to say, “I miss qualities in life that give pleasure to my senses or my mind.” And as vague as that sounds, it also feels pretty damned accurate! It’s the kind of thing that makes me think I need to go find some massive Nature Lookout or something. Find a quality Museum to explore. Do something that gives pleasure to my senses or my mind. But I can’t this weekend. Not only do I have to work (as ever) but I have Tax Appointments and it’s supposed to rain and/or snow this weekend. But all of that certainly suggests a depressive episode. After all, what is missing pleasure to the senses or the mind if not depression? And coming out of winter in Iowa in the middle of the National and State collapse and cruelty while working in a basement prosecuting criminal law in an overworked fashion.... “depressive” seems justified and reasonable. Though, while I was eating my lunch, I was watching The West Wing and there was an episode that ended with Will Bailey giving a note to Toby Ziegler that Sam Seaborn wrote. The note says, “He is one of us” and it got me crying. I wish I were joking because that sounds pathetic but… the concept of someone being recognized, embraced, and advocated for? Which, unsurprisingly, makes me realize that a lot of the “depressive” feeling is from feelin so disconnected. So isolated. SO.... so much like I don’t have people. Considering that- can you imagine how insufferable I’ll be if I don’t get into Shakespeare?!

But I finally unraveled a family mystery. I was always told that my middle name was Norwegian for FIRE Mountain combining the term phrases fire and mount to create the name. But that’s never stood up to translations or investigations into language. I finally got close today. Ignoring the Norwegian Ancestry of the family and focusing on the Germanic Ancestry; then turning to PROTO-Germanic I finally come to words that make sense. And instead of fire mountain; it reads as IN MOUNTAIN. Which makes sense culturally, linguistically, and as a familial descriptor. The name was given to the people living in the mountain. IN MOUNTAIN makes sense. But is far less cool than Fire Mountain, I’ll admit.

I’ll never learn. I won’t. I won’t ever learn! I always think, “No. Interacting with a hundred people in the span of 90 minutes is fine. I’ll just shrug my shoulders and get back into the hard work of things. No problem!” I’ll never learn! After dealing with an absolute smorgasbord of varying, “I didn’t think I needed a license to drive” to “Fucking Cops stopped me illegally. I’m demanding a trial, I don’t care if you’re willing to dismiss!” to “Okay, so I do know I didn’t have a license but I also heard that there were programs that let you drive without a license, so is this one of those or how do I get on one of those?” After 100 variations of that? I lack the energy and the ability to keep pushing forward on all of my work. I mean… honestly? Legal Thinking and Conversation with 100 plus people within an hour or two is exhausting. ESPECIALLY when you consider that prior to me being hired? This program had 4 people in it and the State sat in a little chair off to the side giving a thumbs up or thumbs down on whether the State accepted the offer. But the DOT left. And the Public Defender’s Office left. And the County Collections Staff left. So now all that remains is the State. Not doing thumbs up or down; but doing everything. And this overwhelming swell of people again remind me of bizarre social elements that I will never understand. These people… the ones who smell like they’ve never been sober, the ones who smell like the sticky icky is literally permeating out of them, the ones with violent histories, the ones who can’t keep jobs, the ones who don’t understand how a driver’s license is required, the ones who can’t read.... the judge today is one of the Community Shakers. And while I was thinking, “I bet knowing the percentage of today’s guests who had significant others and kids would depress me.” The Judge started discussing it openly with me. Because he’s annoyed that so many of them had 3 to 9 kids and a gaggle of current relationships and on and on with examples (as he had to represent many of them in his career). Now, he was going on about it knowing I’m a political safe space because.... why are their family dynamics held up as “the ideal” while he, a gay man, is constantly told that if he was with the same partner for 3 decades it still would be “an abomination.” And he’s right. But meanwhile, I’m over here thinking “The fact that criminals never seem to struggle to find romantic partners is a grave injustice of social order.” And it is exceptionally hard to deal with. Not to mention the new trend where women date “covered in glitter” because that’s their “Is he married?” test. This world in EVERY WAY IMAGINABLE is set up to reward the very worst people and we aren’t even discussing 30% of it right now.

Honestly, I’ve done pretty poorly with the Lent stuff so far. I was going to add 2 things, remove 2 things. But on the ADD? I have done zero of 1 thing and only 1 of the other. On the remove? I have done 2 of one thing and 1 of the other. And with everything going the way it is… I’m honestly reconsidering. Which is stupid because the whole point is to take struggle as a way of drawing closer to God, that’s why there is fasting but........... that is very little comfort at the moment. I’m just… more tired and more overdrawn in profound ways.

I went to the protest. Good turnout. I even recognized a few people there (after a while). It’s… telling. The group was made up of men, women, trans, straight, gay, pan, black, hispanic, white… a diverse group of people. The only negative interactions we had? Were three white bearded men in trucks (3 different men) who all said, “Trump’s your daddy, bitches!” Which… three different men. All white with beards. All driving trucks. All said the same thing. Is this a lack of “diversity of ideas” or some kind of “organized?” Either way, “Trump’s your daddy, bitches!”? Way to go Alpha Males who Never Submit and hate LGBTQIA lifestyles. You all decided to use the most boot licking simp statement possible.

After an hour, we all walk back to our cars and a guy approaches me to ask if I was a Republican in disguise. I’m in a gray suit with a blue shirt and blue tie. But… whatever.

I drove home and… I was starving. And my head hurt like hell. So I ate dinner and drank a shit ton of water. AND it didn’t help. Which makes me think I’m likely getting sick. I mean… half of my cop witnesses on Monday called out; the clerk I deal with most said her family is practically dying from the Quad-demic and… yeah. I’m hard on myself but I justify my Saturday Dead Days by saying: I’m letting my body recover to prevent sickness. Maybe maybe if I get everything done that I need to tomorrow and Thursday, MAYBE I can leave work early on Friday to try to rest. Fingers crossed.