Maybe I'm losing it... right here, in this moment in Second 1st

From what I can tell Rocky’s trip went okay. He came back with some money left over and I put it back towards paying bills.

I’ve made some mistakes in the last 24 hours.... Jake is helping me fix the stupidity but I just discovered it goes far beyond just an oops....

I’d planned on purchasing our flight tickets for the trip to San Diego in May with the $10,000 credit card I got for the business that failed. I had tried to buy the tickets 2-3 days ago and it just didn’t work. Well, sure… I know I”ve pretty much ignored it’s existence since we moved here aside from changing my address. So I thought it was most likely that they had locked it till the bill was brought current.... So I paid it off. (289) Then I got paid this morning and paid the house note.... wait… fuck....

My rear driver side tire has been losing air.... I bought a portable air compressor so I could keep working.... today I mentioned it to Jake and he offered to meet me at his “tire guys” to have them patch it. I hate doing that kind of thing myself because when alone, adult children tend to act like I’m stupid.... I get the notion sometimes that it’s because I have boobs.... ANYWAY!!!

I paid that with the 15 in cash I had in my wallet. Math and worry had me moving money and I asked Jake if I could borrow like $200… He was happy to help and sent me what I needed to PayPal. After the initial panic I did more figuring and double checking of numbers and it was clear there will be $12 in the account till Friday. Rocky will have $100 .... I sent him a text with a warning not to use the house account and let me know if he needed gas.

At the time I’d been thinking the credit card would open up soon and I’d get him gas with that BUT..... I tried to get flight tickets again today and it still won’t work. I double checked the app and saw that it is now at a $0 balance.... cool.... so I called to find out why my card wasn’t working.... Here’s a good one.... it was closed Jan 10th..... I mean GOOD and now it’s paid but how the hell am I gonna get up to San Diego!....

The flight is going to get more expensive as the dates get closer....... and I don’t want to not go so that we can afford to send Rocky.... Not going is not an option with their dad’s death at the beginning of the year. Then WHEN we manage to get those tickets I’ll still have to figure out how we are going to pay for a hotel and rental car.... even now my mind is working on it. ....

More work/no off time, 2 shifts a day? Different services.... Maybe checking out things/apps that allow you to rent someone’s car ? Air BNB if it’s cheaper than a hotel? Cheapest flights carry on only? Talk with Jake about what he can help with and a payment plan towards the future?

I am fully confident I will manage. I trust in myself. I did however get denied when I reapplied for a discover card just before I started typing here....

I know there is an end to this madness..... when we get back there are no events for the foreseeable future. We can get the emergency fund funded and get a dishwasher.... then decide on what home improvements we need or large items that we will need to save for/get a loan for and a 3rd vehicle. I mean I can be positive and see that this is not going to kill me. I have support and understanding. Maybe a favor I can call in.

This is not what I wanted to do with my afternoon. I NEED a shower lol my hair is wild and dirty.... well it feels wild and dirty.... and I need to see what I can do to reduce the amount of stress I’m enduring before I start feeling dizzy enough to not get out of my chair and call Pot Pies for dinner.

I have things to accomplish this afternoon.... I’ve been posting videos on an app called Flip and I currently don’t have anything ready to post so.... Showers got to be done before Rocky gets home and with substantial time before he does to ensure hot water. Then recording something needs to be done before he gets out of the shower.... because that man can’t just sit still and be quiet..... Then, diner and then Jake will be home and he will have pictures of the trip he just got back from.... if he comes home tonight at all… i need to work on preparing a video for tomorrow and thinking about the discussion that will happen tonight with or without Jake about the money situation and trip plans..... so I will need to be prepared....Problems, possible solutions.... maybe I go back to work? and then an assessment.... I dont’ know… lets see how far we get before we discover the light at the end is a FREAKING TRAIN!!!

edit:

and then I got up to get ready for a shower and I have no warm shirts that are clean so I have to do laundry..... and I have no one to blame for that because it’s MY clothes.... So I guess I move on to doing a video.... while it’s still quiet in this house and recommit to getting a shower after dinner… concentrating on pushing my laundry through.... oh wait I can push my laundry through because I’ve been keeping up with it except for my own this week? Yes, because I can do this. I’ve gotten on medication that makes life manageable… except on bad days.... and here’s to hoping we have none of those over the next couple of months.... as working as much as possible moves further up the chart of priorities.