I have in Journal

never been one to really internalize my beauty or goodness.

And that’s not, so far, a huge tragedy. It has caused me to develop deep thought, to utilize my not-insignifiant intelligence, and to pursue virtue. And more importantly, it has staged me for this time in my life, when I can consciously weild it. As I look back at my destructive younger self, I feel grateful that the power and wealth of weilding beauty was withheld from me. Because now I have a long time preference.

There are significant problems that I have created, however. Not the least of which is having to manage the father of my children. He is full of hate and vindictiveness. I can see the wounding of my son in particular. While I do feel protective rage, I feel it most strongly against myself. For, I chose and created this. I cannot either simply demonize his father’s behavior, or any redemption is lost for my son… I must have exquisite maturity and ability to hold them both on a way that each may grow. Obviously, that means the father of my children is not my partner anymore, but a mere necessary attachment that I must now take care of. And that kind of sucks, but it ain’t nothin I can’t handle.

And the CLEAR, OPEN, SPACIOUS opportunity I feel is so amazing. I will find true love. He is out here, in this true clear space, waiting for me.