Work, stress, money. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve not made much this week at all. I can’t believe that just 3 weeks ago, I made good money and thought it would stay that way but it’s gone downhill yet again. I’m super stressed because my boyfriend is going to get unemployment but needs to be doing 2 job contacts a week which he’s drug his feet on because he’s trying to get his self employment stuff up and running. I’m really worried about April rent and just hate when things feel so uncertain.

My daughter has a big sister though Big Brothers Big Sisters and I talked to the lady that runs it yesterday about finding a new match. I told her how the big sister is super inconsistent and even now, we haven’t heard from her in 2 months. I think my daughter saw her once over the Summer. We both love her and I have nothing bad to say what so ever other than my daughter really needs consistent people in her life. The big sister has always known that my daughter’s real Dad has overall been absent so it’s maddening that she’s been in and out as well. My daughter is supposed to hang out with her for a total of 4 hours a month and that has never happened. Before anyone comes for me, the big sister also signed a contract stating she would be able to commit 4 hours a month to hanging out with my child.

I told my daughter yesterday when I picked her up that I want her to match with someone else and she was pretty okay with that. She asked me if her big sister hated her and that was really hard to take in. I explained that adults get busy and we are going to find someone that is able to hang out with her more. My daughter has messaged the big sister 3 or 4 times in the past couple of months to which she doesn’t get a reply but then the big posts on Facebook that she’s out drinking with friends. I don’t tell my daughter that of course but I just want her to find someone else to go do things with.

All my daughter has ever known is everyone treating her like she’s disposable. The only person other than me who’s consistent is my boyfriend. She’s seen him every day for almost a year now. She’s never had to beg for his attention or wonder if she’ll see him and I’m definitely grateful for that.

So there’s been a bunch of shit that’s gone on at my Mom’s. So my Dad has been put out. He had called the cops stating that he wanted her and my little brother to leave and my Mom got a protection order because of all his spying and weird shit that he does the the cops came and escorted him out. Well, a couple of nights ago he got popped for a DUI. His vehicle is still in the tow yard and he’s now staying at the homeless shelter. I was trying to arrange for all of us to pitch in and get his pickup yesterday but they closed at 5 and now it’s $50 more today. None of us really wanted to help to begin with because it’s not like he’s going to pay the money back or appreciate it and no one will hear from him until he’s in crisis again.

My boyfriend got home last night and we were talking about my Dad. He really did help put things in to perspective for me and made me realize that we all need to let him figure out life now. All we have ever done is help him and normalize his behavior. I’m very angry at how I grew up and still have a lot of shit that I need to deal with. I’m angry that I’ve given out so much money that was never repaid and how I never had help when I was down and out. I’m just grateful that no one was hurt with him drinking and driving. He’s always done and I knew he would eventually get popped for it, it just sucks that it had to happen in the midst of everything else.

I’m going to get my kid from school in a few minutes. The weather is getting scary outside. It’s snowing pretty heavily and I can’ fucking wait until Summer gets here. I’m tired of worrying about getting into an accident or worse because of the damn snow. It’s seriously just getting old now. I’m sick of losing out on money because the roads are absolutely terrifying. I’m hoping to start early tomorrow because I don’t know how much I’ll get to go over the weekend because I think we are going to have a rummage sale and my boyfriend is going somewhere on Sunday and I might get to go if my Mom doesn’t work.

It’s really upsetting how people have treated my daughter and I’ve let a lot of stuff go because I’m not super confrontational anymore and I’m more about self control but the lady asked if I wanted to let the big know we are going to find a new match and I said that she can take care of that. I told her that I don’t know how nice I would be because I’m the one getting asked by my 7 year old every weekend if her big sister is going to pick her up and it makes me so angry. I’ve gone over every detail in my head as to why she’s been absent and it was always like this. My boyfriend thinks maybe it’s because he’s in the picture now so she doesn’t feel her place is valuable but she’s always gone months without contact.