Just whatever. in Since OD is shutting down....

I’ve spent the entire weekend holed up in my living room taking naps, watching tv and just waiting for the nausea to subside. Today hasn’t been as bad as the past few days but I’m really hoping that I’ll be back to myself by tomorrow. This shit has gotten ridiculously old. I’ve had this crap for a week now and even though the stomach bug only lasted one day, this nausea has continued. It could continue for another 3 days! Apparently, it can last up to 10 days after the bug! Good God! I’ve never had nausea last this long and it’s driving me fucking bonkers! I don’t have any appetite at all and I live in fear when I eat that I’m going to throw up. I threw up Friday night about 8 pm and it wiped me out so bad that I went to bed shortly after.

I haven’t had any homework this weekend since I got everything done last weekend so I’ve just been enjoying my quiet time. It’s been nice to just chillax at home and do nothing but I’ve been feeling pretty lonely and it’s really beginning to suck. I just feel like everyone ignores me and doesn’t care if I’m around or not. I just don’t feel that great about myself right now and I’m hoping that being sick is having a lot to do with it. I’ve struggled to get through my work week and I’m pissed that I’ve had 3 days off and it’s been spent still feeling sick.

All I know is it would be super nice to have adult interaction outside of work. It really sucks that I look forward to work just so that I can have people to talk to and even then it’s not fun because I can’t gossip with anyone or talk about anything in my life because no one can really relate. No one goes to school like I do, or is trying to lose weight or whatever so I feel totally out of my element. My boss was a bitch to me on Thursday night because I turned down my promotion so that meant she had to close so I know that’s why she wasn’t being too friendly. I don’t care either. I’m sorry that I turned down crumbs and if they don’t like it, well that’s too fucking bad. I have to do what’s best for me so I can survive!

I feel really closed off from everyone since I don’t talk to my parents anymore and haven’t had much to do with my brother and his family. I asked to see my niece before her bedtime a few minutes ago so I went to see her but they already had her ready for bedtime and in her bed so all I could do was go in, give her a hug and leave. I think it’s bullshit that she couldn’t even have come out of her room for 10 minutes to see me when I haven’t gotten to see her for a fucking week. I’m just so fucking over the control issues with my brother and his girlfriend that it’s making me want to go back to not seeing her because I’m so tired of dealing with how they don’t care how any of this shit makes me feel!

Anyways, I messaged someone on Facebook that’s taking the same diet stuff as me and I have now figured out why I haven’t lost weight. She said that she lost 10 pounds just in the first month by not eating any carbs, just having fish/shrimp/chicken and working out everyday. I still have way too many carbs, I don’t like the taste of seafood at all but could tolerate shrimp if I had to and don’t work out like I should. If I’m going to make this happen, I need to put forth a way bigger effort than what I have been. I know that I lost weight before doing the same shit as I do now but apparently, it’s not enough. I would be super happy to wake up tomorrow feeling 100% so that I can back to eating healthy and going to the gym. I know that I have to put way more into this then what I have been but I was hoping I would still see at least some weight fall off with what I have been doing.

It’s been nice getting my days off from my job. That place really gets to me and I really hope it’s going to get better because I’m sick of not making enough money. I had to buy groceries with my credit card again because I didn’t make enough to buy them. I feel like I’m just getting ripped off at that place, more than usual and if it doesn’t change, I’m going to have to start thinking about getting out of there. It sucks to have to think like that but tips have been awful for the past 2 months and it’s getting to the point where I’m scared that I’m not even going to make enough to make my fucking car payment. I’m tired of having to be stressed out about this and if worst comes to worst, I may consider a call center again. I really wish I could find someone to help with bills so that I wouldn’t have to stress as much, but such is life.

I found my ex on Facebook. It’s annoying that he keeps making a new page. I just find it easier to forget that he exists when I don’t see pics of his kid on Facebook. I know that eventually I don’t care and I know that will happen but for now, I still do care. I still miss him which pisses me off because I know he doesn’t miss me. He’s probably been under how many chicks since me and it sucks to know that I’m nothing more than a notch on his belt when for me, he was my everything.

I admit that I still think of him simply because I have nothing else. It’s like when I think about him, it gives me something to hold on to. It’s better to have something (painful or otherwise) than to have nothing at all. I know that it’s more than time to completely let him go but I don’t because I have no way to fill that void. I know that I want a boyfriend again but it’s scary to think that what happened with him, could very well happen again. People fall out of love. Men give up. They walk away and leave you heartbroken and shattered.

My biggest problem is that I’ve never felt very loved by anyone. I’ve always been very singled out, lonely, and continue to live that same way whether I like it or not. Anytime I try and reach out, people pretty much just ignore me. I know that I’ve been put on this earth for some purpose or another, I would just like to know what that purpose is. I’m just tired of wandering around by myself wondering when it’s going to change. Some days I just wish I was gone. I just can’t help but wonder what life would be like if I had that great guy to be married to and get to be a Mom. I’m just sick of being by myself. I’m also scared to death of finding myself where I was before with the last 2 guys.

I do plan to make a counseling appointment soon. I would really like to get some advice on how I can go about coping with being so isolated and lonely. I’ve even thought about unblocking that one friend on Facebook that I had words with about a year ago and even though the situation is probably unrepairable, I kinda want to message her and see. I know by the time I actually consider unblocking her, I don’t do it but I just want to know what needs to happen before I’ll actually find people who want to be a part of my life and what it would feel like to not be so lonely. This same thing has gone on for years! I just want to know what I can do to make it change, short of inviting people into my life that are just out to use me!

It’s crazy that I’ve been off work for 3 days and the only people I’ve heard from was my boss because she wanted me to come work tonight, and a co-worker that wanted me to come over last night but she’s one of those people that just gets ahold of me when she’s bored and has no one else and that’s why I won’t hang out with her anymore. I’ve had enough people treat me like that my whole life that I just won’t participate anymore. I was trying to tell her about work when her fucking kid wouldn’t stop whining and I know she was only half listening to what I was saying because she couldn’t focus on our conversation and her kid at the same time! She’s also one of those that will say she’ll call back and then doesn’t. She’s another one that doesn’t really deserve to be a part of my life but I allow it just because I’m lonely. It’s just horrible that this same cycle is going to continue just because I don’t have any normal, healthy people to come around.

What’s crazy is I understand my ex more now than I did when I knew him. I understand why he was so closed off, heartless and just grew so comfortable in his own world. I think it would do me some good to take after him simply because maybe if became that heartless person that didn’t care if people were around or not, I wouldn’t spend so much time feeling depressed and invisible. I know that I’m very comfortable living alone and doing my own thing but I think I need to close my heart off because I still like to make sure I have free time in case people were to come around, even though I don’t. I need to just be busy, live my life and learn to be alone. I know that it’s what I’m used to but I haven’t quite accepted it in my heart yet. Maybe because I still have faith that my family will change. Maybe because I think my ex will come back. Maybe because I think a nice guy will come along. Well, none of that shit has happened and probably never will so in the mean time, I need to just forget about it. I need to stop thinking with an open heart. I need to start thinking practical.

Anyways, I’m going to lay down now. I have Roseanne on DVD so I’m going to watch that and just drift away into sleep. I’m hoping tomorrow I won’t have nausea and I can get back to eating right and I plan to start working out everyday, even if it’s just doing a couple of songs on my dance game. I refuse to give up on losing weight. I saw that one guy on Facebook that I hung out with not too long ago and apparently he had a girlfriend and it didn’t work out. It’s sad that he wasn’t interested in me that way because I was sooooo into him and still kinda am. He was so musical, rapped and played the guitar and has so much to offer someone. It’s too bad that someone wasn’t me. I’m just sick of being that girl that would be so loyal and treat someone so good and yet I still go to bed alone. It just doesn’t seem fair.

I haven’t admitted this to anyone yet but the main reason I turned down the promotion wasn’t just because of the money. I turned it down because again, I still have absolutely no self confidence and don’t believe I could handle it. Partly is I don’t feel like I was trained enough but the bottom line is I don’t have enough confidence in myself to be in charge. I’m just too scared of not knowing what to do, fucking shit up that I should know because I’ve been there so long, forgetting to do shit or just not doing a good enough job. I know that I always wanted to be a shift leader but it’s just not what I thought it would have been. I think it’s bullshit that my hours would have been cut which would mean I would have had to put in serious hours just to stay afloat and I could hardly stand to be there 25 hours a week that there’s no way I’m willing to work more, at least until business picks up.

I still have a lot of things that I need to work on and get right in my own head. My first thing is to get some weight off me. I remember my self confidence starting to come back the last time I was able to get some weight off and I want to feel that again. It’s just going to take a helluva lot more effort and self control to make it happen. I know I can do it, I just hope my stomach will be ready starting tomorrow.

Anyways, maybe this will be a better week…good night.