Mind dump in After OD

I can’t sleep. It’s 12:30 and I’ve just been laying in bed for an hour with racing thoughts. So I’m dumping it here.

I am struggling right now. With everything. I am most definitely depressed. Getting anything done feels like so much effort. I am in functional freeze. I had been swimming 2 to 3 times a week. I haven’t gone in about 3 weeks. I just can’t get myself up and out the door. Also, I should be working my business, but again, it feels so hard. I ship packages when I make sales because I have to. I’ve been out sourcing goods because shopping is fun. But I haven’t photographed and listed much in weeks. I know I need to, but it’s that functional freeze issue. There’s just a wall keeping me from being productive. I hate it.

Cupcake died a week ago. This month would have marked 13 years since we got her. I loved her so much, but I feel so much guilt. Her last several years were rough and I feel like we should have put her down a while ago instead of letting her pass naturally. We just kept thinking it would happen at any time, and neither of us felt capable of putting her to sleep. She never showed signs of pain until it was obvious at the final hours she was struggling to get comfortable. Yet, I still think we could have done better for her, and it breaks my heart. I won’t make that mistake with the other dogs.

I just keep replaying the moment Inwokw up last Saturday and found she was gone. We knew it was happening, but weren’t sure how long it’d take. I made a cozy bed in a laundry basket and kept her next to our bed. I checked on her around 3am when I had to pee, and she was still breathing. I could feel her little heart pounding. When I woke up again at 9, she was still. I reached down to touch her and she was cold and stiff. That moment was a balance of heartbreak and relief.

We buried her in our small back yard the next day. I fucking miss her.

So here I am again, grieving. Something I have become all too familiar with. I’ve been doing therapy again since my dad died. I don’t know if it’s helping much but it’s free through my insurance, so I’ll keep at it.

I’m just absolutely exhausted by life at the moment. What’s happening in this country is terrifying, and yet it feels like people around me are oblivious or simply don’t give a shit. So I drown myself in hours of doom scrolling on TikTok. I know it’s not healthy, but it makes me feel less alone, at least.

One thing that’s kind of gone right is that dad’s estate is moving along. We had all the safe deposit box contents appraised and it did not cost us nearly what we expected. We sold one of the properties and got another listed. My house is officially in my name now, so that’s a relief. It’s been almost 5 months since he passed and I feel like we’ve taken care of a decent amount of stuff, but there’s still a lot more to go. We will finish cleaning out his house on Tuesday. That will be a weight off our shoulders once it’s done and listed. I dread actually doing it though. I wish this whole process could go a lot faster, but seeing progress is a good thing.

Sage has been in Spain for the past week as a study abroad over spring break program. I am so proud of that kid. She works so hard at school and her job. Up to this point she has managed to have school paid for my scholarships and grants. Even this trip cost her nothing but spending money. I hope she realizes how lucky and privileged she is because most kids her age are not having the same experience. She has 1 year left, and while I hope it will be covered, if it’s not I think we can help enough that she won’t need a loan. She may also be approved for a student teaching stipend which would be amazing. She is smart and going places, and I am just so happy for her. So while just about everything else is turning to shit, at least I have that.