Is What It Is in Current Events

My doctor went over my bloodwork. I don’t have any of the deficiencies that I thought I would have. Especially since I have been vegan for nine years. I don’t have DHT. My testosterone is higher than most. There is one concern. TSH is lower than normal. We suspect that my iodine supplement is the culprit so we will test again in a few months after I quit supplementing. We are going to test for celiac disease as well. I have to eat bread for two months first. I almost did last night but I backed out at the last second which brings shame to my family. I’m a grown man afraid of toast.

Virginia, an aunty at work, made a FB post asking for prayers. I saw that my cousin commented. I asked how she knew Virginia and she told me it was through church, I figured as much. It is my family church that my grandfather opened. She might have been at his funeral two years ago. My dietician mentioned that she works at a nonprofit. They are translating the Christian Bible to Anishinaabemowin and Cree. I want to get my hands on a copy so that I can gift it to Virginia.

I got another email from the Executive Assistant yesterday. She sent it right before the offices closed. I felt good about it. They could be deceiving me. I’m half Scorpio, of course I will save space for suspicion. They were understanding, they want to help. They are going to come meet with me and my coordinator which is a little intimidating. When I look at things through their perspective, I can understand where they are coming from. They only see us as numbers is what I keep trying to tell myself. The idea of that makes me feel dehumanized. They look at the numbers all day and take care of the big business side of the nonprofit. It’s the end of the fiscal year, of course they are going to be a menace. We are feeling like we are the enemy but that could just be in our heads. There was one purchase that we made that had them completely uppity. There was a huge misunderstanding and when they read my response, they will take a sigh of relief. There was zero damage done.

We should all just start our own nonprofit is what I was thinking when I was catastrophizing. I’ll keep that option at the back of my head. It hasn’t sunk in yet, the losses we just had. We just lost four people at the office. It is sad. We also have no one standing between us and the head office so it feels like it is us vs them. The Executive Assistant should not have emailed me directly. There is a chain of command. On paper, it looks like I went rogue and started expensing whatever, however, whenever I wanted on my own. If you look at me like I am a person and not a number, that is obviously not the case. I was working collaboratively with my leadership.

I can only imagine the level of stress my coordinator is feeling right now. He has a big heart. His relationships with the four people we lost were very strong. I mean, he just had a meltdown the other week. We had a vision for our program and it involved the elder that we have been working with. In the email that I received, they made it clear to cut ties with him immediately. On day one, when we had our first meeting with him, I wasn’t that comfortable about working with him but I decided to trust my Youth Directors judgement. The reason was that he had told us that he had a criminal record. It didn’t make sense to me to onboard him but he was her brother so… this is a lot of what I had seen when I first started there. A family enterprise. So many conflicts of interest. A lot of exploitation. I was accused of lateral violence when I brought up time theft, like…

I just gave my roommate a pep talk. She is super stressed about her work right now also. I hope she has a better day. I take my kids boxing this evening. Her class ends at 6:30 and she said she might wait that hour to help facilitate our class.

Stress management, that is going to have to be my priority. Yesterday was intense, but that wasn’t my fault. I’ll have to give myself a pep talk. They’re just thoughts. I can only control what I can control. I’m going to eat something and then head to the gym. Maybe I will head to the pool later and go for a swim and sit in the sauna.

This song, I still have blasted on repeat. I just need to ignore the lyrics and it matches what I feel internally almost perfectly. Just everything closing in getting ready to implode. That has been the vibe for almost a decade now.

https://youtu.be/p2NvO6KrBs?si=T3bHMIqafAe4maq