VERY ADULT ENTRY (and long) in Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014

Time: 1620
Bah… my brain is going in several different directions right now. This is definitely one of my more Harvey Dent days. Where… I do have several thoughts at once, many of which conflict with one another, so yeah… the Two Face character makes a lot of sense to me when I have days like this.

Where to begin? Well… I suppose on the outset, I can say a lot of what will be contained within will be in reference or response to my most recent Twitter Substitute Entry made last night. So, I’ll start from there.

(1) Girls and/or Women
I have a fundamental belief, not necessarily sponsored by empirical data, that all women are beautiful. Now that isn’t to say I don’t have a particular type. I do, and not surprisingly, “my types” contradict. In fact, discussions like this one are of the type that used to get me a lot of Hate Notes on OD. My Physical Type would be: Asian, and/or short, and/or long awesome legs, and/or red hair, and/or green eyes… and if they have none of those other qualities… I’ll look for a cute face with a great smile and/or shapely, well formed breasts. However, other than my personal preferences; I genuinely do believe that all women are beautiful. And don’t get me wrong- I’ve met many women that are physically unattractive- but honestly, it always seemed to be a physical reflection of their own long held bitterness, anger, rage, or hatred. Don’t misunderstand- I’ve also met many beautiful women with all of these qualities as well… it is just… all women are and can be beautiful… but it isn’t “Wake Up, Leave House.” PLEASE don’t think I’m being sexist… this is just… from 3 decades of observation, life inside the Acting machine, and loads of behind-the-scenes experience… All women are and/or can be beautiful.

It is just a matter of conscientious choices. Again- don’t be angry. If you, as a woman, don’t want to put thought or effort into your appearance… and/or if you are offended by a man’s point of view on the subject… that’s fine. You can stop reading. By continuing you choose to subject yourself to my opinion and, therefore, take some of the responsibility of being offended onto your shoulders. Back to it- conscientious choices make a huge difference. Your hair: cut, color, style, health… all go into beauty. Your face: make up (use, application, color palette) make a gigantic difference… don’t believe me, google Porn Star Make Up Transformations. Many of those women are “attractive” or “cute” or downright “eh”… add the make up and they turn into “sexy” or “hot” or “too much!” Your fashion: the clothing you wear and how/when you wear it is a multi-faceted element of beauty. The cut of the garment, the size of the garment, and the color of the garment are obvious. But… so much of fashion is you, the person. I have seen a woman that would be considered beautiful by modern standards wear “Daisy Dukes” and… her legs were too thin to pull it off. I’ve seen a woman that would be considered “too fat” by modern standards look heart-stoppingly gorgeous in an elegant blue gown.

You may be asking- why did you just put that much page space to something so surface and stupid? Well, a number of reasons, of course. First- because my wife won’t believe me when I tell her she’s attractive. And frankly- not wearing make up, taking shit care of her body, and only wearing old, worn out Good Will purchased Wal Mart blue/khaki uniform… there are some days where she isn’t looking her best. But… I’ve seen what she can do. I’ve seen her go from “Tired old Wal Mart employee” to “Knock Out Stunner” in a matter of an hour. Second- because I think more and more women need to know- beauty isn’t just something one person is born with and others are not. Beauty, like intelligence, is something that can be worked towards. Don’t ever let ANYONE tell you that you aren’t and/or won’t be beautiful. Finally, I’m discussing this because… well, in my current frustrated condition… you notice the little things a lot more. Just… the beauty in the everyday person. The grace a woman shows as she rocks her infant to sleep. The allure of the woman who cinches up her brown trench coat to keep the cold wind out. The immature appeal of a college girl, patiently waiting in line. These things just… pop out more.

(2) Porn and the Angry 7
This may need to be broken up a bit just to keep my mind focused.
(a) Porn Styles and Preferences
I’ve mentioned before a bit of my personal preferences but… just wanted to throw it out there as I had a note recently that inspired me to disclose.
Personally… I am obsessed with audio. If I can’t get anything else at the time, I’ll simply rely on Audio Stories so I can hear the voice and the pleasure. Second to audio, I love seeing a good female face in ecstasy. There is a website called BeautifulAgony.com that typically shows NO nudity. It is the face of someone (they have men and women for those interested in either or both) while they masturbate. You hear their gasps, their moans, their giggles; you see their face concentrate, struggle, and release. It really is very nice. Other than that- there is a WankItNow.com that exists. It is typically British Females talking at the camera as though the camera itself were a person. They talk the “nonexistent individual” off and usually throw in a striptease or mutual masturbation. Honestly- these are usually my go to preferences.
If those aren’t working; of course I’ll expand into three others. Virtual Sex also known as POV; where the camera is again “a person”. JOI; where the performer concentrates on talking off the viewer. Or “miscellaneous” which can mean just about anything else out there.

Crass as it may be to share that information with all of you, I do it as a sense of personal disclosure and personal interest. ALL of my preference choices involve a woman experiencing pleasure or requesting the “partner” to share pleasure. It just reinforces the fact that… honestly… my entire sexual life has always (and likely will always) largely rely upon the partner- the female element. My pleasure is at its height when my partner is experiencing pleasure. My orgasm is far less meaningful if not in pursuit of my partner’s joy. The most wonderful thing, to me, in sex isn’t the moment where I climax… but the look on the face of my partner when she is enjoying herself.

(b) The Lessons of Porn
Ultimately, though, as needed as porn is for me (which is unfortunate in itself) it always makes me think of the following four things:

(i) I wasted my school years. I wasted my High School years through virtue, caution, and fear. I didn’t really get involved with anyone in a sexual manner because I wanted to be a Good Boy; I didn’t want to get a girl knocked up or get an STD; and because I was petrified of what my parents would do to me if they discovered I was having pre-marital sex. I wasted my College years through virtue, cowardice, and self-loathing. I didn’t get involved with anyone in a sexual manner largely because I wanted to be a Good Boy; because I was afraid of… everything about dating without a safety net… I didn’t/don’t even know how to introduce myself to a girl that I find attractive; and I didn’t think I was good enough… I am usually a polite, diplomatic, conversational person… but to quote a former boss of mine “Wow, I need to hire women you find attractive, because I have never seen you be that quiet for that long!!”

(ii) As offensive as I know she’d find it… viewing pornographic materials makes me even more upset that I couldn’t make things work with “Aoife.” To be very frank… even though we never had sex… Aoife was perfect. Even though she didn’t fit with almost any of my “preferences”… she was physically amazing. And… she cared about my pleasure. Aoife has been the only one to ever make me involuntarily vocal during sexual interaction of any kind. And she loved it as much as I did. She yearned for audio the same way I did… so our ears were our most used (and most appreciated) erogenous area. The things she’s say, the things she’d do to get me to make a certain noise or other; the noises I could get her to make… even though the relationship proper would have been a mighty struggle; the physical aspects of that relationship (had it survived) would be the stuff of legend. And I miss it. I miss Aoife. In fact, I would say I very wholeheartedly and sincerely miss about 89% of everything that relationship had and was about.

(iii) It makes me sad that I have no shot at anything even close to similar. Don’t get me wrong- I’m not one of those guys who watches porn and thinks “My wife needs to be like this chick!” I was an actor, most porn models are actors… it is a character and play-acted reactions. However… there is still a part of me that is sad about it. How my wife will never even say “I want you.” Or how my wife won’t ever make out with me. Or how we’ll never explore role play or costumes or anything adventurous. It saddens me to think that the majority of my sex-life is and will be me, my hands, and a computer. And it saddens me that my wife is so… asexual in many ways that the only fun I’ll have in sex is with a computer.

(iv) Finally… I do worry about my potential political future. I have no plans of running for President or even going after a Supreme Court Judge position… but I’d like to think that I could at least run for a senator someday. But… I do genuinely worry about… what if things get out? What if I never get elected because of my porn history? Or because of the things my wife did before she met me? Or because of what people from my HS will say about me? See… this thought tends to lead far far away from sexy concerns because it puts me on the path of “Oh shit; how will I ever get past the media scrutiny and vicious campaign politics if I ever run for an office?

(3) Finally.. I’ll just leave this here by saying… it is almost 1700 and I have yet to engage in any “stress relief” still. I have one of those irritating tasks to do that… honestly, I have no idea how long it will take to get done. I’m going to keep at it until it is finished and then, if I have time before the wife gets home from work, try to “relax” but… NOT knowing how long something will take has been getting on my nerves.