Please read... serious help needed in Second 1st

By the end of the day nothing that has happened is important to the grand scheme of my life and I have that horrible habit of not posting....
At the current moment, I’m not sure how I could not post about what has transpired today.

Destiny messaged me this morning just after I started work to tell me that her Uncle had passed away and she was particularly sad because that’s the last link to her father that she had (as if his DNA is not a part of her).

I am having an awful day today and I could not deal. She tends to get dramatic when she thinks about her dad and I could tell it was going to be one of those days. In order to try to keep her from dragging it out all day I was kinda .... I’m very cynical today I guess is the word.... I’m selfish and now…well now I”m angry....and I don’t have a right to be....I’ll have to unpack that later I’m sure.

ANYWAYS..... I was doing okay.... I mean a little bit of back business …I’d gone to the doctor recently (last week) for our annuals and got refills..... They forgot literally the most important one. Didn’t realize it till I went to refill my pill calendar thing Saturday morning. So I haven’t had the most helpful med since Friday. Dr. office not open on the weekends.... so the earliest I’ll have my much needed meds is TUESDAY!! I feel like I”m driving drunk. Like my reactions are a little slow and maybe I’m driving too fast.... or too slow at any given moment. There has been very little traffic today and I don’t regret working. Last week was the first time I’ve made $700 for the week since I got here. I was … am super happy about that because we still don’t have word on a date for the memorial service for Rocky’s dad and I need to be sure he can get there. I need to keep that going so we can get back on top. There is no Emergency fund.... the house and electric are behind a month. The fund I have put away for Rocky for a trip to TN and back is at $800 right now. I don’t know what he will need and I’m likely over shooting by a lot but what he doesn’t use will got to catching things up when he gets back so I’m shooting for $1000 ..... I do have a credit card that has a $10,000 limit ..... I digress a lot.... BUT.... Rocky can’t seem to get extra hours (or he’s not trying) and my job is flexible so I just put in more time..... without the right medication for the Meniere’s I’m not sure working more/longer is the best idea RN.... should probably be doing the minimum this week ($550 or so). So I just want to make it clear I’m already in a high stress situation.... though I know that’s no excuse. None of this was worth telling my bestie.... who is still suffering because he mother refuses to talk to her without making her feel bad.

So this morning Destiny told me her Uncle had passed and started with ” Everyone I love is leaving me. I’m so broken.” I messaged back “Brace yourself.... things are more likely to get worse than better. Especially because you hold onto pain in your heart so tightly. People die it’s the cost of living at all. Or maybe I”m getting cold at our age. Hermit.... less people around you less heartache when they leave. Try not to get mad at me I don’t know how to make this better. I mean well and love you. Let me know if you need anything.” ..... about a half hour later I messaged her again. ” Sorry, I’m in survival mode and apparently horribly cynical today. Haven’t had my brain meds for 3 days not because they didn’t understand “refill them all” at the doctors office. Now I’m walking on a waterbed and driving in the ocean. i am really sorry love really I am.” ......

It was a quiet day .... I mean text wise.... i was pretty much so on target to make my $100 today and therefore still on course for $700 this week.... until

I got a text from her at 11:47 when I was around $75 that said “How fast can u get here?” Then another 5 minutes later that just said nvm so when I get to a point where it made sense to check in I just said k?

She messaged back that she was going to the hospital but can’t go to the one closest to her cause she works there but that she had been seriously thinking about offing herself.... i said “than the hospital is a better idea” She said ” I have a shit ton of medication just sitting here, it would be so easy.” I said “no time for that you are on your way to the hospital” Dropping the conversation and just telling you now.... She tried calling her FMLA people to talk to them about her job being secure.... which was some kinda dumb excuse....Then she’d “go as soon as Critter gets home so that there aren’t 2 cars at the hospital.... seriously? Then, she called her extherapist..... she stopped seeing her just before this dumb mess with her mother (see last 2 entries) Vicki (her therapist) asked me to go hang out. Destiny had us on a the same call but had talked to me the few seconds before adding her. Destiny begged me to lie and tell Vicki that I was going to come hang out with her till Critter got home. I lied to Vicki and said I was on my way right now and I’d stay on the phone with her. i checked on Life360 and saw that Jake was close to her house and called to ask him if he can go by and check on her because he was about 45 minutes closer. He did and I finished my $100 goal. Once I made my $100 I came home, let the dog out, then, left for Destiny’s. Jake is supposed to go get his son this afternoon so I couldn’t ask him to stay too long.

I didn’t want to go..... not doing well and all. I am and will be in survival mode till I get the medicine back in my system (more in that in a bit). When I called the Dr. Office they have a system for refills and well it’s possible it could take up to 72 hours for them to call it in.... then it will be another day or so before I get a message saying it’s been filled and pick it up.... to start the next morning .... then 3 days before it’s in my system.... even texting with Dest I wasn’t jumping at the chance to go hang out..... i thought I’d sufficiently explained my predicament ..... the afore mentioned missing vital meds and ocean driving.....

I drove up to Destiny’s house and Jake was outside! Automatically I was a bit ticked. Like why the hell is she in the house alone for even a moment!.... “I have a ton of medicine. It would be so easy.” I got to Destiny’s and she was in her bath robe and towel like she’d just gotten out of the shower.....I.... having just seen Jake .... his answer when I asked him was that she was getting ready, making a med list.... i don’t even remember if I’d asked him why he was out there. I was just angry that he was. He knew I was on my way and whatever he was doing outside was more important that Suicide watch!.... The whole situation.... was just bubbling.... one stupid after another.... starting at the very start of my day.....

Jake volunteered to go get Lou (Dest’s youngest) and so they could give hugs before she’d likely be gone a few days.

I don’t get it.... I’m irrate, over really.... I’m irrationally angry..... WHY!?!? Why would she wait so long.... Why at the first thought of ” I should go” didn’t she just leave..... Why at the “those meds” did she not get up and leave the house … away from said meds..... Why is it more important that Critter isn’t inconvenienced than going somewhere that might help.... in the least give you medically knowledgable folks who will know if you need to be strapped down better than I ever would..... or could tolerate.... because stress is my absolute worst trigger for Meniere’s symptoms....

In this moment I can’t stop crying..... I’m still so angry....

K so I walk in the house and Destiny’s on the couch in a bath robe and towel. I’m undone… “Not even dressed? Come on, lets get moving.” “making a med list” I know that’s what Jake said.... “how long ya gonna take with that?” “GEEZ, gimme a minute.” ” I raise my eyebrows.” Turn and Thank Jake for staying and tell him he’s free to go.... Then.... “Thanks”(from the Peanut Gallery) Whatever.... man was she going to be upset with my driving .... gonna have to remember to tell her to close her eyes..... (my exact thoughts at that moment) ..... Great.... That’s the moment Jake left to get Lou.... Then, I said ” I don’t understand why you didn’t already go.” SHE had the fucking nerve to say ” YOu didn’t have to come.” I know my vibe was horribly obvious .... through text … and in the micro moments since I’d walked in. I didn’t want to take her.... but I don’t understand why she waited and I’m painfully angry about it. “WHAT? you don’t get to say that Destiny.” “What?” I said ” You don’t get to say that. You don’t get to tell me you are seriously contemplating suicide and the thought has passed your mind to go to the hospital and you are still here and you are telling me “you didn’t have to come” I got up and I got in her face and said “say ita gain and I’ll slap you.” .... she said “No you won’t.” and “you didn’t have to come.” I slapped her.

I was so angry..... who does she think she is that she can ...... and then tell me.... and then not think ......

So, I’m gonna be in trouble.... because the rest of the time Jake was gone Destiny cried .... then stopped.... asked me not to talk to her while I was berating her and I understand.... there was little else said ..... After she had gotten dressed I asked her if she was ready “Can I wait for my child or no.” I shrugged. … She would have gone around 11:30 when she’d texted “Can you get here fast” If she needed me that bad she should have gone....

I AM SO ANGRY!

When Jake returned I stepped outside to meet him. I asked him if he would take her to Flint. he said yeah … You aren’t taking her? … I can’t I slapped her. I’m leaving now and I need you to take her. Is that okay? … Right now?.... “Yes, I have to leave.” There is no way I could have driven her after that bit..... no way I would have safely gotten the both of us to the hospital in Flint..... hardly likely I would have made it to Lapeer.... the only options were drive home alone in the quiet or try to nap it off in the basement.... … i left.

i left without saying I’m sorry.... cause I’m not.... I know she won’t have her phone for a week of so.... couple of days to think about the stupid thing she’d done.... hopefully I’m not still angry when she gets out..... hopefully with your help I’ll have something constructive to say.... advice?