Saturday January 18th in Since OD is shutting down....

It’s been another busy week that went really fast. My boyfriend and I weren’t doing well earlier this week. I’ve been pretty overwhelmed with everything and I tend to get really sick of my daughter being disrespectful to me. I went with him Wednesday to his dr appointment and things were a little bit better and then it went downhill after that. That morning it started and then we were kind of okay and by night time, it was just bad. I had gotten my daughter from school where she was in the bath as I was cooking dinner. I went in to check on her and she was about to throw a fit and I had enough.

He finished dinner and I went to bed without eating. He was super upset that I didn’t say goodnight or give him a kiss. I was on the phone with my friend and he heard some things. I was talking about my daughter and how I’m just so frustrated and how I wanted to run away and mentioned my car. It has something wrong but don’t know what yet. He told me last night that he’s trying to intertwine our lives and how I’m sacred to him. I’m pretty sure he used the word ‘cherish’ and I know that he does feel that way about me. He wants to me to just go pick out a car and he’ll make the payments which is what he’s said for months now.

He was still on one Thursday morning where he was telling me that I bitch about cleaning all the time and blah blah blah. Next thing I know he’s sitting at the kitchen table with tears streaming down his face and said, “I love you with all my heart” and I was absolutely floored. He’s never said the ‘L’ word to me before and I just wish he wouldn’t have picked that moment. It meant a lot and I get emotional thinking about it. He’s been through a lot and I know he’s never told me he loves me because he’s scared if he does that he’ll lose me.

Love is a battlefield. I think if it’s real, it’s not easy. There’s a lot of forgiveness involved and some days I cry. Some days I laugh. His step Mom called me a couple of days ago and I visited with her for quite a while. His Dad said that he’s just on a pity pot and he needs to just bury himself with work and he’ll get over it. His step Mom says that they think he’s depressed and bi-polar. I’ve been saying that the whole time I’ve known him. She mentioned that it may not work out. I know that if we ever split up, I’ll never be the same. I do pray that we are always together but there’s always that possibility too.

My Mom is at work but coming to spend the night when she gets off. We took her lunch and just hanging out at home. It’s colder than a witch’s you know what and will be for the next couple of days. We are supposed to have a date night but I told him we could just stay home and play his card game that he got for Christmas too.

I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what I’m going to do. I have no real plans for a real job because there’s so much going on outside of what a real job would entail. I feel like what I do right now is the best fit for me having a child and a household. I also don’t know what to do about childcare for when there’s no school.

Dinner is done and I’m waiting for the ole man to get here and then my Mom to show up after that. We’ve just hung out at home and I picked up the house. The dog has pooped twice inside now because she has an upset stomach or something but I’m getting annoyed. I’m ready to go out and get away from the house for awhile tonight.

It’s been 2 months since I’ve blocked BD. I don’t know when I may unblock him. Again, I don’t feel right getting CS payments and him not seeing my daughter but I just can’t keep going down the same rabbit hole. It’s just the same thing over and over and over again. With each visit, I suffer before, during, and after. I also want to plan a real job and that’s hard to do when you have a kid that acts out in school because bio Dad tells her a bunch of shit that hurts and is confusing. I just don’t feel that he’s a healthy person for her to be around and I truly believe that we are ALL better off having no contact with him.

I may make an extra email and if I do talk to him, I plan to let him know to email me and I will only respond about my daughter. Everything else is fruitless. He just wants to keep the conflict going and I won’t allow it again. My boyfriend and him got into a physical altercation 7 months back. I just can’t risk that happening again. If my ole man goes to jail, we would end up homeless. I do rely on him and I can’t have the roof over my daughter’s head tampered with because of his need to constantly push people into anger to the point where they physically put their hands on him. I don’t know if I ever talked about what happened but all I can say is BD provoked that for WEEKS prior to my boyfriend finally deciding he’d had enough. I agree with my brother when he said they were both in the wrong but I can’t let it happen again.

It’s honestly crazy to me how 1 person can create so many problems and won’t quit. I just can’t believe that my daughter is going to be 8 this year and nothing has changed. I understand people can be bitter and hateful but I’ve always seen them get past it too. My BD never will. He feels that he’s been wronged in this but I’m the one that got knocked up, abandoned and then he turns around screaming about Father’s Rights?!?!?!? And I’m to hand over my child? Uh, I don’t think so buddy.

My biggest goal is for my child to grow up seeing what’s normal and healthy and doesn’t EVER end up a single Mom like I did. I know that if my Dad wouldn’t have been such a control freak with my Mom I would have had a helluva lot more help then what I did but I just hope my daughter has a much better situation than me.

I’m very thankful that I met my boyfriend and I think about how we probably met at the time we needed each other the most. We met when we were meant to. I definitely love and appreciate him more than he’ll ever know. I’ve never had a man do everything for me and my child like him. I grew up with my Dad who never did a fucking thing for anyone and then had a baby with a total fucking deadbeat that wouldn’t pay CS or even take my daughter when I was actively dying of COVID and had to be hospitalized.

My boyfriend just called and we were talking about my Dad’s crazy and I was telling him about that one time he had come over and was screaming at my window and he said I’ll never have to worry about that again. He’s so protective of us and I never had that before. I seriously love him so much.

My trauma has made me who I am and I wear my scars proudly. I know where I come from and it will be with me for the rest of my life. I’m angry at how I grew up. I’m angry that I ever had to worry about my Dad being around my daughter. I’m angry that he’s treated my Mom the way he has. My Mom has told him she wants a divorce. He has barley spoken to her for months now but messaged a guy she’s been talking to from my little brother’s phone telling him not to talk to my Mom and all this shit. She’s coming to spend the night tonight and I really hope she files for divorce and starts the process of getting the fuck away from him. He doesn’t talk to her but doesn’t want anyone else to either. He’s always worked very hard to have my Mom all to himself and it’s really sick. He needs a lot of professional help.

The ole man is on his way so I’ll try to write again tomorrow.