Saturday January 11th in Since OD is shutting down....

So my daughter and I just got back from taking my Mom lunch. She hadn’t eaten all day and is going to be at work for another 5 hours. She does a lot for us and I try to take her lunch sometimes. It’s not super cold today but it’s ugly out with the snow and slush all over. I’m making a ravioli lasagna in the crockpot. I just took a bite and it’s delicious. Dinner should be good.

I didn’t make much money all week. I didn’t work Monday because there was no school and it was pretty slow everyday. I’m getting really sick of never having any money and wondering how I’m going to pay the little bills that I do have.

There’s going to be another CS payment on Monday. I’m definitely appreciative that I’ve been getting it but it’s stressful wondering if it’s going to stay consistent. He’s never been one to keep a job for more than a few months and sometimes I wish I didn’t even have an open case. It messes with my numbers and I have to always be mindful of how much money I make or else we lose our health coverage.

Part of me would like to reach out to him and see where he’s at with things but I wouldn’t get the truth about anything anyways. I don’t feel right collecting CS and him not seeing his child but again, until we should go to court this is how it has to be. I’m not allowing this person to create anymore problems in our lives. It’s true about their presence being more toxic than their absence.

My Mom is full blown ready for a divorce. She’s planning to file next week. I don’t know how things are going to go because my Dad isn’t going to leave that house and we know he’s not going to sign the papers. He’s a complete and utter narc and has had full control over my Mom for decades. He only loves people when he’s able to control and use them. He’s never wanted anything to do with anyone unless it’s beneficial to him. He’s the reason why my Mom hasn’t ever been much of a Grandma to our kids and I will forever resent him for that.

My Dad has always been a piece of shit. He never worked and we grew up living in poverty and squalor. I carry deep trauma with me every single day of my life because of him. He made sure my Mom never had a fucking dime. I’m glad that she’s finally seeing this shit and standing up to him. He goes through her phone, constantly trying to keep track of her and has always kept her on a very short leash. He never loved my Mom, he loved the control he had with her. I grew up seeing what not to do in a relationship and that’s why I choose to treat my person way better than how I saw my Mom being treated while I was growing up. I didn’t grow up with role models, I grew watching people I didn’t want to be like and situations I never wanted to be in.

I am very angry at how I was treated growing up and even as an adult, I’ve always been treated like a child. I had a baby and my Mom wasn’t there to be a support whatsoever because he wouldn’t allow it. It’s always been a fight for her to see my child or babysit. He just doesn’t like my Mom out of his sight and because he doesn’t help anyone, he doesn’t want her to either. I honestly believe that he hates all of us and was happy to keep us from having a relationship with my Mom. He’s always viewed us as children and being in the way.

Honestly, I would be very happy if they got divorced and I never had to see or speak to him again. I need to make a living will and appoint people to look after my child if I were to pass away and I would like my Mom to be one of them but until he’s out of the picture, there’s no way she will have any custody of my kid. I’m glad that he doesn’t like my boyfriend and knows to not come around. I guess he’s spoken ill of my boyfriend and my Mom told him that she didn’t care what he thinks of him, all that should matter is that he’s good to my daughter and myself.

It’s nice being home today. I enjoy making money but it’s also nice to have time to get stuff done at home and my daughter gets to just sit and relax. I know she enjoys school but it’s also nice to be home. I’m glad that I’m not sick anymore and can actually function. I struggled being sick and still having to work and be a Mom. It’s not a fun thing to deal with but it’s easier now that she’s older. I hated getting sick when she was little because I could hardly take care of myself and I had a little person relying on me and I couldn’t sleep unless she did.