Betrayal in Journal

The PPO hearing is tomorrow.
I feel very shaky. Anxious. Angry
I am reminded of the feeling surrounding my brother and my own father. The terror of standing up to the man. As a small child, I did. Dad was nasty. He had made my brother pick out one of my dresses and put it on. He then took pictures and said that if my brother crossed him again, he’d show his whole class the pictures. To a little fucking kid. A little kid. Couldn’t have been more than 6 or 7. I stood up to my Dad. I told him it wasn’t right. I thought I was going to die. I literally thought that was it. This was the end. But it might as well be, because I didn’t want to live in a world where people did this. Later I found and destroyed the pictures of my brother.
Obviously I did not die. I wasn’t even punished, immediately. But Dad got me back. Oh, did he ever.
Later, my Dad enlisted my brother. Made him complicit. And, of course, he was little, and my brother betrayed me. And he has continued to choose our Dad over me, since.

Betrayal might be worse than dying.

That’s what I’m scared of. The hearing will happen. And, the PPO will either be granted, or it won’t. I have decided to set up my husband as my sole witness.
Obviously my husband has no love or support for me. And tomorrow, he could absolutely betray me. I think I need to know. Evidently I can’t learn from the past. I need this. I need to know what he will do.

On the other side, there is so much opportunity for love. It hurts to think about it.