baby I have realistic expectations in poetry

I like big butts but honestly
a beggar not a chooser be
when a girl’s not annoyed
by a man who’s not employed
I get my hopes up
that being funny is enough
to maybe go out and stuff
deep in the jeans she’s wearing
there should be a wallet
because I can only pay for things occasionally
from a lack of funds
not a lack of caring

oh baby, I’m not a Plenty-of-Fisher
I can’t find a flattering picture
plus I can’t stay on those sites anyway
because the pervasive desperation there makes me feel so lonely
ohh, delicate crocus
you wanna ride in my ten-year-old Ford Focus?
well, that sounds just fine
I’ll accept your flaws if you can deal with mine
I’m not into dancin’
more into couch-cuddle romancin’
and yeah sex would be great
but companionship is far more essential at this stage
I’m tired of magazines
saying I gotta be Charlie Sheen
take the average woman and ask her that
reality’s what the bad boy fantasy lacks
so, people, yeah, people, yeah
are you lacking disposable income? hell yeah
so on dates, on dates, on dates, on dates
on dates lets go dutch
baby, I have realistic expectations

I like ‘em smart and weird
conformity is what I fear
crazy cat ladies worry not, I like animals
as long as they don’t poop in my sandals
when we’re at your home
and they don’t, ugh, stare at us if we have sex
I’m not talking about Playboy
because pornography sets up all kinds of impossible standards
that neither of us could fulfill
and would just leave us both disappointed
but if we do end up humping
next morning, let’s sleep in or something
I find myself in trouble
vis-a-vis the burst economic bubble
so let’s just watch youtube videos
of people making stop-motion with GI Joes
maybe eat some Ho-Hos
or binge watch HBO-Go
admittedly I’d like to date a girl as tall as a Laker
but that is no deal breaker
if you’re interesting and have nice eyes
and tell me no lies
and don’t expect me to change
something can prob’ly be arranged
because I couldn’t do twenty push-ups on a dare
but I’ve got really great hair
and I’m an above-average lover
but to find out you’d need to get me under covers
so women, yeah, women, yeah
though I don’t currently make a decent livin’
I’m funny and emotionally supportive
and I can deal with a certain amount of psychological baggage
baby, I have realistic expectations

yeah, baby… when it comes to women
I accept that I am an acquired taste at best
36-24-36? I mean, that would be nice
but far more important is being able to tolerate
that I moved back in with my family
when I ran out of money elsewhere
so your boyfriend looks like Brad Pitt but he’s a lying cheating dumb shit
Brad Pitt doesn’t believe in deodorant so get over it
my anaconda would certainly prefer one with buns
but frankly being able to put up with
the extraordinary amount of bullshit in my life
would be a far more important attribute
than a relative lack or abundance of buns
you can do side bends or sit-ups
but I’d rather listen to rad music than waste time trying to be perfect
some people say that such an approach is lazy
but focusing your life on perfection is what’s actually crazy
you get one life and so live it
there is no deathbed forgiveness
the doctor says I’m fat
well, I’m trying to work on that
but it’s difficult when gout has me limpin’
real life isn’t that simple
so if you’ve got white picket fenced in dreams
I just don’t have the means
but if what matters is real happiness
I’ve got a big heart and a decent-sized penis
thoughtful comfort’s nothing to diss
though I’m not on no Forbes list
because the drive that gets first-class perks
is a trait of colossal jerks
so women, if real connection is more important than unattainable fantasy
and you’d like to maybe rent Guardians of The Galaxy
dial me on my pay-as-you go cellular flip phone
and maybe neither of us has to be alone
baby, I have realistic expectations