Monday January 6th. in Since OD is shutting down....

The weekend went really fast. My boyfriend and I talked yesterday morning where he told me that he was planning to get a moving truck, pack up his stuff, and leave. He was really upset that I wasn’t talking to him. My issue is when he says hurtful things, I just shut down. I wasn’t trying to hurt him by not talking at all. I find it better for me to just become silent. We took the kid sledding yesterday and went to lunch with my Mom. He still isn’t being super loving or affectionate but not getting enough sleep and stress from work are probably contributing factors.

My daughter and I went to the store, took him lunch and then I got her lunch as well. I got home, put laundry away and I’ve been picking up the house for what seems like hours at this point. I decided not to work today because my daughter has ran hard all weekend and I want her to have some downtime before school starts back up tomorrow and I also need to get things done around the house. The roads aren’t super great and I’d rather just sit this one out. I am really hoping to make some decent money as I have bills due at the start of February and gotta make them dollars.

I haven’t spoke to DBD in almost 2 months. I made it through another Christmas break without his help. It’s sad that he makes this miserable enough that I don’t want his help. I just don’t think having a child with the wrong person should warrant a lifetime headache. It’s just insane how much easier it is to raise a child without the added stress, expense, and chaos they add when you have contact with them. I think overall he’s good not being a parent because he doesn’t want to be one nor does he know how but wants to see her at his disposal to put on a good show. He’s always been the type to ‘parent’ on his terms and just when it suits him and doesn’t care to understand that our child will be 8 this year and is seeing his behavior on her own.

He’s always said that I’ve used her as a toy but really, he has. He’s only ever wanted her when there’s people around he can show off to. He is never going to be an actual parent, but a fun big brother that takes her to do cool stuff and spends his time convincing her that everyone is awful simply because he doesn’t like them. He will never understand the emotional damage that is doing and I’m going to shield her from it the best I can. I know that I can’t be with her 24/7 and can’t protect her from everything, but I am going to preserve her mental health while I can.

He had paid her cell phone bill a couple of months ago and that made him feel entitled to get on the phone with her and tell her a bunch of crazy shit. All he does is tell her adult business when she is 7 years old! It’s like him paying CS, he feels entitled to receipts when he didn’t care about proof of how I spent MY living taking care of her. I could understand if he was fully caught up and if there was a valid concern but when he goes YEARS without paying one red cent, who the fuck does he think is taking care of her? I will not answer to him in any way, shape or fucking form!

He abandoned me while I was pregnant, told me to have an abortion, wouldn’t sign her BC at the hospital when she was born, has never helped even when I was actively dying from COVID, and then once he finally decides to pay, he thinks I need to show receipts?!! There’s a lot of layers to my situation and I don’t care to really dive too deep in everything that’s happened but I am not going to let this guy have any personal information. I remember before I had to call the cops because he refused to give her back and he would constantly ask about my personal business. Um, you aren’t a babysitter Sir, you are her Dad! You aren’t going to know where I’m at, who I’m with, and when I plan on going home! I remember multiple times messaging back when he’d have her and I’d say, “I’m not going to answer any questions about my personal life” and I’m so grateful that things ended because I couldn’t handle his bullshit anymore.

He’s a very crazy, spiteful, high conflict guy and I feel until the courts are involved and maybe a mediator, I plan to leave it where it’s at. I can’t deal with being called names, being disrespected, and threatened anymore. He needs a lot of mental help and I just don’t think he’s safe for our child. He kept her from me once, and I know he’ll do it again. There’s no reason for me to believe that he wouldn’t keep her again and I’m not going to risk it. The was probably the worst day of my life and I still remember standing outside his sister’s apartment with my daughter’s voice in my head. She was tired of being gone all the time and had been telling me that they were all drinking and smoking weed around her. He never wanted her and then keeps her from me.

I believe we are all the way we are because of trauma. I think my whole personality is trauma. I know that I’m not totally healed from the shit I’ve been through but when I love, I love hard and I do the best I can to treat everyone with kindness and respect. I’m just trying to gracefully play the hand I’ve been dealt. I’m not out to hurt anyone, even him. All I know is I need to protect myself from further emotional abuse and keep my daughter out of harm’s way. My boyfriend told me probably about a week ago that he doesn’t think it would be bad for me to let her go see her Dad for a couple of hours here and there but I’m gonna have to say no. I don’t want to have to be in contact with him, I don’t want to worry about my kid the whole time she’s with him and I also don’t want to have to call the cops should he decide to keep her again.

We’re all doing just fine. My daughter has been doing so good in school and at home. I just don’t want her around that negative influence and then there’s behavioral issues at home and at school yet again. His presence is extremely toxic and disruptive. If he was a decent guy, things would have never ended up like this to begin with. I remember how I felt when I was pregnant and after having her seeing him go out on dates and be a man whore and how it was crushing and now that I have someone and I’m happy, he won’t allow it if there’s contact. He had told my daughter that I was cheating on my boyfriend and he was cheating on me. Even if that is the case, what’s it to him to be telling my little girl about it?!?!?

I’m definitely concerned about money this week. Hopefully this week will be profitable because I seriously need some money in the bank. I’ve definitely enjoyed having my daughter home but I’m definitely ready to be able to work and move around getting stuff done too. Child support or not, I am still the one to be the full time parent. I’m the one that gets to arrange for a babysitter, I’m the one to take her to school and her appointments, and I’m the one who misses out on a lot of stuff while all he has to do is work and have fun. He made 3 CS payments last month and I’m sure he’s blazing pissed. I told my friend and she was quick to remind me that I better enjoy it while it lasts because we know that it won’t. I think part of why she says that is because she never got much for CS and now she won’t get any more because her kid has aged out.

It’s going to really suck if he quits his job because that money has been a huge help. I’ve bought my daughter new pairs of jeans, Christmas presents, and I’ve been taking her for boba teas, pizzas, and Taco Bell. I was starting to get overstimulated last week though. It’s tough having my daughter 24/7 because I’m not used to it. I’m definitely glad she’s gotten a break from school though because the last week or so before the break, it was a struggle to get her up and ready everyday. She was sick of going. I don’t blame her. We all need breaks.

The Summer before she started Kindergarten, I was with her for the whole 3 months and I think that really changed me. I honestly felt like I wasn’t going to make it. I am still very angry that he wouldn’t help with her nor did he pay CS so that I could have found a sitter to work. I will never forget that Summer and how much of a hit my mental health took. I remember having both cars broke down and my phone was broke much of the Summer too. It still just makes me angry that I was left in the spot that I was and he got to party, drink, sleep in, and do whatever he fucking wanted.

Summer is coming and I get to worry about childcare. I have her on waiting lists but I don’t know how likely it is for me to find her a spot somewhere. There’s been another couple daycares that have closed down here so I’m definitely stressed. I can’t do much about it right now but it’s something I think about.

It really does piss me off that he’s done nothing but weaponize any and all involvement but still feels like he’s owed something. I get tired, sick, lose loved ones, have health issues and I still HAVE TO SHOW UP FOR MY KID! There’s plenty of times that I would have loved to just check out but my daughter and I have always just had each other. Mom’s don’t get breaks. I have to do all of it whether he helps or not. I wonder how he would do if he had her and it was all on him EVERY FUCKING DAY to make sure she’s taken care of. He wouldn’t be able to fucking do it. I remember when she just started walking and would get into everything and break stuff. I would sit on my bed and cry my fucking eyes out. He didn’t care, even when I would try and explain that I’m needing a break. He wouldn’t help. It didn’t serve him at that time so.

He’s always said that everyone else can pay his CS. Um sir, that’s still your kid. I don’t care if I got married and divorced 20 times, YOU WILL STAY FUCKING PAY! You were man enough to lay down and get me knocked up so you will be man enough to be financially responsible! He thinks by constantly saying he wants to terminate his rights or get 50/50 that it’s going to do something but it just makes it easier for me to cut him out of the equation! Those 2 things are polar opposites my guy! I’d love for him to take me to court and tell a judge that he wants 50/50 or to terminate his rights and see what the judge would say about it!

I completely understand that there’s a lot of Dad’s that truly get the raw end of the deal because the Mom’s just want a paycheck and end up spending thousands just to see their kids but I’ve always been super fair until he isn’t. I also don’t want to be emotionally abused when he has her anymore and feel like I have to just take it or he’s going to be mean to her. I’m not dealing with guy who’s wired right. I just don’t want to keep doing this where I let him see her and he makes everything just impossible and then she doesn’t see him again for a very long time. I don’t want my daughter to have to keep going through this same ringer because he refuses to just be civil or consistent. After he sees her and gets new photos for Facebook, he’s good to not see her again for months. That’s not fair to my child.

My daughter understands all of this and knows it’s not right so I don’t feel it’s necessary to keep letting her see him. It’s beating a dead horse at this point. My brother used to tell me all the time to let him have her as much as possible because then she won’t want to see him once she’s a teenager. She’s not worried about seeing him now though and rarely ever mentions him so I’m not super concerned. We are also years from her being a teenager so it’s not an immediate concern. My brother has always been the kind of person where you should do whatever HE thinks is best instead of caring about truth and logic. It’s like after the drama DBD created over the Summer, he felt I shouldn’t care because he was taking her. He didn’t care when I told him I was having to drop off bags of food at random times of the day, I was missing work running clothes and a swim suit over to her, that he was walking with her out in the heat, that he made sure to never return any of her stuff and all he did was bad mouth everyone to her so she was really disruptive when she came home. He felt I shouldn’t care about the drama and added headache simply because the guy was taking her.

So anyways, I am finally over my anal tear flare up and my cold. I’m still dealing with a runny nose but my sense of smell is almost completely back. I was getting so sick of not being able to smell things. I’m now on my period but that doesn’t ever last more than 4 days. I started yesterday.

Anyways, I’m going to watch some TV and try to just sit for awhile before I make dinner.