Entry Three: Public Shared in Much Ado About Nothing

I am wondering if my increased pain for today stems from this feeling of massive dehydration. Last night with dinner, I had a large tankard of water. But it was the only water I’d had all day. Which is a constant problem for me generally. I need to drink water throughout the day. And because of everything going on, I specifically made sure not to drink alcohol as much. But I do have some items that are expiring in a week- so I did have a mug of Eggnog which is Eggnog and Baileys. But I’m not thinking that is going to be the domino that caused the increased pain. I’m guessing it is the persistent dehydration and lack of sleep. Which is, of course, an ouroboros because pain prevents sleep prevents healing. Luckily, I’ve had lots of suggestions in the notes to get some Cherry Juice so- at my first available opportunity, I shall endeavor to pick some up.

But… ugh to today’s schedule and how schedules are constantly competing with each other and reality.
WORK SCHEDULE:
8:30- Jail Court
9:30- Magistrate Court
10:00- Review evidence regarding October Trespass due to phone call w/Defense Counsel
Check Voice Mails, respond to those you can
Prepare Trial Materials for 4 Bench Trials scheduled for Monday
Prepare Tuesday’s Traffic Docket with 139 hearings scheduled
Prepare Wednesday’s Pretrial Docket with 57 hearings and 3 trials
Phone Call w/Defense Counsel
Motion to either Continue or Amend based on Phone Call
Review Appellate Filing as Resistance must be filed before January 13th
Respond to Outstanding E-Mails
WHICH… that is a lot. I don’t know if it reads as a lot but that is a lot. That is easily 11 to 12 hours of work that needs doing today which, of course, is impossible.

THEN try to add my Non-Work Schedule to that mix? All of these are “at some point” but places have schedules of their own!
Veterinary Office (closes at 5)- meds for Nala
Bank (may be done at close)- deposit Christmas $$
Hy-Vee: see if Cherry Juice, possible healthy food options, turn in Lotto Tickets from Christmas, purchase breathable water
Target: see if Cherry Juice, humidifier, Kachava, healthy food options, scent items, light bulbs
Play w/Dog
Barnes & Noble to get additional present for Niece
Write Letter for Parents’ Christmas Presents
Wrap Christmas Presents
Unload dishwasher
Reload Dishwasher (quick cycle)
Unload dishwasher
Secure box of “Returnables” to Parents’
Eat a Healthy Dinner
Work on Weekend Plans and get confirmations from Siblings/Parents
And that seems like a lot. And it reads as about 6 hours or more. So… not that it is actually possible, but if my time estimates are anywhere near correct… my schedules for today when combined total roughly 17 to 18 hours. There are some who would say, “Okay, 18 hours leaves six hours left. That’s sleep. That schedule is totally do-able” and if that is true for you, God Bless. I work much better on a schedule where work and personal take up maybe 10 to 13 hours, leaving 11 to 14 hours for “trying to sleep, feeding oneself, taking care of personal hygiene.” Like that’s one of those things that genuinely upsets me and makes me not like myself. 6 hours or less of NOT scheduled? I need sleep. So hygiene takes a toll and that’s pathetic. I should be committed to maintaining a daily hygiene ritual for my self-esteem, my work, my general health. I mean… despite being overweight, I used to actually take pride that I could still dress well and have respectable self-care/beauty practices. Since coming to the new house, taking the new job- that’s all gone out the window. And I can say with confidence that it is because the job is demanding so many more hours and so much more emotional abuse. An almost weekly “Do you want to work the weekend or do you want to fall further behind?” struggle. And this is where I would often get in trouble with people a few years ago. Because I would say, “This is one of the more irritating things about being single” and people would jump all over me saying, “Another man who wants a MOM not a partner!” which… frankly, if that is your knee jerk response? I’m going to say there is some unhealed trauma you need to address. Because a popular non-gendered meme that speaks truth is:
Our society was built with an unspoken understanding that a household would be two or more adults; one earning the money, the other maintaining the home. So if you feel like you’re falling behind or can’t get everything done all the time- it is because our society was not built for one person to do everything.
And frankly you have only but to look at the Business Hours of most places to prove that. If someone is expected to work from 8 to 5 or 7 to 5 or 8 to 6 or 7 to 6 or 8 to 7… most businesses end up being closed before the work day ends. So, for a household to function there needs to be two adults with compatible schedules… someone who can be home for Workers or Shop when things are open; and someone who is then earning money. So that the “best” arrangement, as our world pretty much REQUIRES both adults in a home to work, is 1 person working from 8 to 6; the other person working from Noon to 10.
And by saying that… something obvious begins to sink in for me. Chris built his adult life during his marriage (which, again, should not be surprising!) I was with the same woman from the age of 21 to the age of 35. We were married for 8 years. While things were miserable with the emotional and physical side of the relationship… and while things in terms of domestic share of duties got really fucked up during the 2018 and 2019 years… certain things were easier. She wasn’t reliable but she would occasionally help and it is simple math that “Occasional, unreliable help is better than no help at all.” Then if you want to look at all the ways an additional adult in the home might help.... throw in the emotional abuse and evisceration I experience daily for being a “fascist tyrant who is out to get the common man by using political violence to fund raise by attacking innocent people” etc. Just words but… when you have someone two feet away from you screaming at the top of their lungs how much they hate you, disrespect you, and think you are an example of the kind of person that should be killed to make the world livable? It takes a toll! And having a safe space that isn’t “continued isolation and solo domestic work” certainly sounds good.

So, of course, the idea repeatedly is “Get a different job.” I can’t go to a bigger county, I’d still have the same job, workload, problems. I can’t go to a smaller county, I’d be socially isolated even more than I already am which is bad for my mental/emotional health. So… what is a job that would pay $70k or more that tracks with my skill set and education that doesn’t have the extreme work hour requirements and emotional abuse? I honestly have no idea if something like that even exists. BUT yeah. That’s where I am right now. Viewing the job as this giant mountain that is sucking up time, energy, and positives. It really is why people often say “Have something outside of the job that you can throw yourself into to at least get away from it when you can.” For most people- that’s family. And… I’m still struggling with the heartbreaking realization that, though it was one of the biggest dreams I had growing up, I’m not likely to have a family. I used to dream about my future kids. I spent energy into studying how to be a good, supportive partner to a pregnant person. I looked forward to being the kind of man who read to his pregnant wife’s belly and cried with joy when the child was delivered. And that just… feels perpetually out of reach. Especially as a 40 year old trying to date. It strongly seems like the general consensus is “I have teenagers who mean the world to me. Not looking to start that again any time soon!” or “I don’t have kids. I don’t want kids. If you want kids, do not swipe on me as I will not be persuaded!” Apparently, the women who actually want kids have them in their 20s and… 28 is about as young as I would date at this age. So… move past the job by focusing on your family is right out. Theater is… an inconsistent place to throw all my eggs. So it seems I am doomed or destined to be they guy likely to spend one day per weekend at work in 2025. Just to properly clear the work week itself so that I’m not spending long hours into the night here. And a part of me absolutely thinks (with pathetic pity and slight self-derision) “Why would that even be a problem? If you are at the office from 7:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m.; it isn’t like you’re upsetting a wife and kids, a girlfriend, or even a group of friends who want to hang out!” And there lies the rub a bit. I want to have time away from the office so I can get my non-work shit done. There are still a lot of things I need to or want to do that aren’t “work myself to death.” But a not miniscule part of me can’t help but reflect and hold negative emotional space. I’m not living the life I chose. I’m living the life I accepted because the life I chose and was working towards fell apart spectacularly. Really and truly… if Nancy hadn’t… been who she was.... if she’d actually loved me or wanted to be my partner; if she got married thinking “This is my partner in life” instead of “This is easier than becoming a person”… then our last situation would have been just about perfect. Beautiful House, Acceptable (if emotionally stressful) job, making (for the area) quite a lot of money, beautiful dog and access to dog parks and beautiful walking trials. If she’d actually loved me, respected me, or wanted anything to do with me.... we could have built a family. There was a room right next to the master bedroom that would have made a perfect nursery, we were within easy walking distance from the Elementary School and High School. We had the perfect place to put whichever parent needed additional assistance first. But our couple’s counseling revealed most strongly that… Nancy wasn’t attracted to me, didn’t think she’d ever loved me just loved how much I loved her, and enjoyed her lifestyle especially as Chris had learned to stop expecting things like quality time, physical affection, and words of encouragement. That… isn’t an acceptable marriage. The divorce was necessary. And after the divorce, my family came out of the woodwork to thank me, congratulate me, communicate how they saw what she was doing and were glad I finally decided on my own health and wellbeing.

Sorry, that was a spiral I hadn’t intended to go down. It’s just… it is almost funny how close I was to the life I wanted, the life I was intentionally building. But that maybe my desire to drive forward toward that may have blinded me to the problems building. But I went from close to what I wanted to… where I am now. Dating in a time where dating is an absolute misery. Dating at an age where I am less and less likely to ever have a child of my own. Working in a prosecutor’s office whose reputation is constant trials, too many murders, and some of the worst communities in the state. Maybe this is the pain and the tired and the cold bringing out a depressive mood but… it’s been a long time since I felt this far away from any of my personal goals and life desires. And that’s… honestly where I am right now. ANY of the things I wanted to achieve, accomplish, strive toward… they all feel pretty much out of reach.