Entry Two: Public Shared in Much Ado About Nothing

I have a strong suspicion that today will be a two-entry day (or more). Fear not, I won’t assault this space with a deluge of content in some effort to make up for last year. I DO find it interesting and telling that last year was the first year since YEAR ONE that I wrote less than 1 entry per day. Is it less or fewer? According to the Google search, if I’m reading the results correctly, it should have been “I DO find it interesting and telling that last year was the first year since YEAR ONE that I wrote fewer than 1 entry per day.” Though I dare say that doesn’t quite roll off the tongue as easily. There are, of course, all kinds of hypotheses as to why I wrote fewer than 1 entry per day last year. Romantics would say, “Less need to write due to relationship” while realists would remind them, “He wrote over 2,335 entries in the 6 years covering his marriage. So… in a relationship can still mean over 365 entries per year.” Optimists might say, “Maybe he wasn’t as miserable in his relationship as he was in his marriage” and… they’re probably right. And largely for the exact and specific reasons why the breakup had to happen when it did. Because it was pretty clear- that relationship was not working out for me. So, leaving instead of staying to try and put myself through all of the same arguments and problems that had been happening frequently anyway? Yeah. The more time you spend in a situation that isn’t good for you, the more miserable you get. And I did leave my last relationship before it spiraled into “impotent misery”. But… because there were so many more issues, one might think I would write more. So, I can guess that the reduction in writing stemmed from a “totality of the circumstances.”
January & February was The Book Club Play. May & June was Julius Caesar. August, September, and November was Beauty and the Beast. Plus a workload that has spiraled into more and more out of control numbers and demands as our society collapses around us. And while the relationship certainly contributed to the writing, it also prevented me from having many moments to myself therefore removing my ability to write. So, yeah- swirl those together, that explains it.

But as we begin this new year, I wanted to write about a disconnect between my brain and my reality that I think is a specific contributor to my depression and sense of “always being overwhelmed”. I am able to see, to take stock, and to review the things that need to be done. I could whip up a list right away of the things I need and want to do at my home, at my office, in my work life. I could have a rather epic list, long and detailed, of everything that is needed to be tackled. But then? Then things peter out entirely. For example… the list of things I wanted to get taken care of at home last night?
(1) Ignore dog’s need/desire for Dog Park/Walk (which I add because it isn’t something I should ignore but am required to to get things done).
(2) Empty Dishwasher
(3) Do as many dishes as possible and load dishwasher
(4) Run Dishwasher
(5) Clean Kitchen Surfaces of Items (trash, recycling, consolidate remaining dishes, etc)
(6) Clean Dining Room Table & Chairs (trash, post, bills, consolidate presents and put away things that have places, discover places for things that do not)
(7) Unbox mailed items and go through Christmas List to label which present goes to whom and if any are still missing
(8) Wrap Christmas Presents and stack by/near Dining Room Observer Chairs
(9) Write letters intended to accompany Parents’ Book Presents and e-mail them to the office to be printed
Then of course, I look back over that and realize Oh, and somewhere in there… make dinner and eat it, too. And make sure to at least engage the dog in something, even just a little play. But also try to make sure you go to bed at a reasonable time since you have 8:30 court on Friday. But ALSO also make sure you do some things for yourself so that your life isn’t just.. task, task, task and there’s some actual relaxation of some kind like movies, video games, or reading!
And of course, that list can’t be separated into other days for a whole host of reasons so… my brain says “THIS NEEDS DOING, AND NEEDS DOING NOW” and my body (and other parts of my brain) just immediately say… That.... that seems like a fucking lot and I can’t promise you’ll have time, energy, or ability to get that list done. So then I have to expend emotional energy battling myself to get through that list. So that at the end of the day?
I absolutely ignored Nala’s needs, despite getting confirmation that people were actually at the dog park.
I emptied the dishwasher.
I did as many dishes as possible, reloaded the dishwasher
started the dishwasher up again
Cleaned almost all of the Kitchen surfaces- still have some dishes and some present wrapping stuff to take care of
Mostly cleaned the dining room- the dinning room table still has some junk on it that needs to go to the basement and the bookshelves need to be gone through intensely (and I still need to transfer some of Hermia’s stuff to a box to drop at her house)
I got the packages unboxed and properly labeled, realizing that I still need to get my niece one more thing
I got the presents wrapped except for my parents’
I did not write the letters to my parents
I did eat dinner
At about 10:00, I started to wind down and did an “episode of a show” for me.
Was in bed by 11:30
Was not asleep until 1:00
woke up three separate times between 1:00 am and 6 a.m

My right foot hurting more than it did on Wednesday and Thursday; had to expend some mental discipline and energy not to call in to work today. So… that’s how things go for me.
I don’t get my to-do lists done; I don’t get adequate sleep; and I expend mental and emotional energy on “simple things” like “just going to work.” So… that is how my depression and feelings of being overwhelmed are impacted. Because there is always more to do, I don’t get it done, and then I have to resolve to deal with it… in perpetuity.