Entry One: Public Shared in Much Ado About Nothing

Traditionally, I would spend the first entry of the year discussing why I chose the book name, discussing how I would like the coming year to look, really digging in on the elements of “One year passes, a new one dawns/ what we hope to see or do” Not sure entirely if I’m going to do that this year but we’ll see what happens.

I will discuss the name of the book as this name in particular can be… tempting fate. Actually, first off- let’s acknowledge that I have several books in Prosebox but as far as the books that contain a single year… I just finished my eleventh!
Book One: The Not So Daily Briefs 2014
Book Two: The Fifteenth Year of the Third Millennium of the Common Era
BookThree: Flight Log 2016
Book Four: Ichi-no-Tani 2017
Book Five: Working Through the Maze 2018
Book Six: Trying to Hold On 2019
Book Seven: Reconstruction 2020
Book Eight: Recovering 2021
Book Nine: As You Like It 2022
Book Ten: Come What May 2023
Book Eleven: Whatever Will Be Will Be 2024
And now we are on Book Twelve: Much Ado About Nothing 2025. Now, of course, the “Book Number” and “Year” are only added at the end of the year; but the Title is always chosen as the year begins. And Much Ado About Nothing is the Shakespeare show for this summer, but I am not making assumptions about getting in. It just seems an appropriate title for this year as I look forward into the Coming Days. It’s me so I’ll stress, I’ll worry, I’ll over exert myself, I’ll expend great amounts of energy that I don’t even particularly have… and I honestly expect very little to actually come from it. Much ado… about nothing. Further, if the year is anything like what I come into the year with… I’m going to have lots of lists and those lists aren’t actually going to get done. Again: Much ado… about nothing. Now, I’m not saying any of this with pride, there is (in fact) a great deal of shame attached because… I would love to get my shit together. Especially after spending time with my brother and sister in law… extra helpings of self-discipline absolutely have positive results! Healthier eating, healthier drinking, healthier sleeping, healthier habits… my sibling’s family is doing so well because they have boundless energy and time since they are using their time and energy so well!! The great irony is that as far as considering my life… I think back to the film Bio-Dome. Yes, a deep personal reflection involving a stoner comedy from the 90s staring Pauley Shore and Stephen Baldwin. (And, of course, the ravishing Kylie Minogue and Dara Tomanovich.) But as “stupid” as that movie was, the premise and the questionability of the original concept ring clearly for me. A Bio-Dome, at least in that movie, is an Eden. A perfect sustainable world model where everything STARTS at perfect and the intelligent, well-trained, highly focused citizens of the Bio-Dome merely need to keep the space perfect, pristine, and sustainable. In the film, the hapless protagonists wanting to throw a party trash the homeostasis of the Bio-Dome, killing the Eden-like nature of the space and dragging the environment away from perfect, pristine, and sustainable. The “hero turn” comes when the protagonists refuse to allow the intelligent, well-trained, highly focused citizens of the Bio-Dome to abandon the project. This “correction of the premise” is absolutely something I can support. Because the citizens of Earth don’t get to start in Eden. Every person living now did not single handedly deliver the destruction of our surroundings; we were born into a situation that was already pointing straight down. So, instead of “maintaining paradise” we need to spend our time and energy “repairing the destruction.” ALL OF THAT to say.... that’s where I feel I start 2025. I am sitting in several stacks of either very tangible or very metaphorical rubble and I need to motivate myself to start sweeping. In so many places in my life.

As to the gout… positives and negatives. On Tuesday, I was at “screaming in pain even just putting my shoe on”. But they gave me medication and I started taking it right away. I did not realize that the medication would have the effect of… flushing out my system. So… staying with my brother for the New Years Holiday… I had to use the restroom a lot. And, apologies for the graphic language, it was always for liquid poop. I don’t poop much because my eating and drinking habits are atrocious! I don’t drink enough water, I don’t eat enough “real food” and find myself eating Microwave Meals and drinking Alcohol as a regular dinner with my lunches being comprised of Fast Food more often than I care to admit. So… nothing but garbage into the system and it not getting flushed through the system.... this being my first time with gout then becomes something of a surprise. At my brother’s place… all natural. Even the martini and wine were homemade using only natural, organic ingredients and processes. Add that to the new medication and: you have my “using the bathroom quite frequently and the results being liquid.” I go through all of that disgusting description talk because something quite embarrassing happened. At some point, in the middle of the night, I needed to fart. As I was a guest in a house that held a minor child, I had underwear on so as not to sleep naked. The fart in my sleep should not have been trusted. Thus, as I called them when I was married, a productive fart… contents in the underwear… stains transferred to the sheets. In summary- I started 2025 by shitting the bed. Truly, I am incapable of not seeing that as some kind of portent. Honestly. Not to mention the deep embarrassment of the situation. Later, however, my brother confessed that the chili and martini and wine combination made him vomit at 3 am… not from a “I’ve had too much” but from a “individually grown, handmade, organic, etc sometimes has this effect” place. BUT.... my system literally being flushed over and over again and the intake being quite opposite from the likely-gout-contributing intake of my every day… the pain was MUCH reduced. Perhaps not as reduced as my brother expected. As the whole family took the dogs for a 1 mile walk. So… Tuesday, screaming in pain even putting my foot in a shoe to Wednesday, taking the dog for a 1 mile walk… a bit of an extreme swing. In an effort to help, though, my brother and SIL sent me home with Protein Powder and Meal Supplement Powder Pouches and some Overnight Oats and other things. And… for many reasons, they aren’t wrong. When I was married, I always wanted to get back to under 220 pounds. I was able to do it ONE time. But since the divorce and COVID- things like that have been hard to maintain. Add in the move and new job that expects me to work twice the hours they are paying me for and.... my health routines are gone. So… from the 220 to 230 range to, on Tuesday at the Doctor’s Office, weighing in at 262 (that’s almost 19 stone)! So yeah… as part of the “get your shit together”, I need to throw that onto the pyre.

A few random bits here:
(1) On TikTok, I did a “haircut reveal” thing. Essentially just said, “Does this make me look younger, older, better, or worse” showed the before and after. Didn’t use any hashtags to grab attention or anything just… threw it up for the fun of it. It has become my MOST viewed, MOST commented on video of all time. Not “influencer” numbers or anything but over 120 comments and climbing every hour. And to my absolute shock, almost ZERO negative comments. Some people say older, most say younger, many say “no age difference, but you do look better”, some say “much more put together, posh”… just… those kinds of comments. On the worldwide internet. Almost makes me believe humanity isn’t the festering cesspool I see every day!
(2) The New Years Holiday was another sparkling example of the bullshit of Facebook Dating. The girl I had that date with? DID send a Happy New Years thing. But when I attempted to chat her up about her plans, the conversation went dead. Granted, “Stayed in bed” is a fine response but here’s the big thing: NOBODY on the dating apps asks me questions. This is a particular issue for me that I’m not sure is a “good to be cautious of” or not. Because I actually had several people text me “Happy New Years” from the dating app. And I always responded with “Thank you! You, too! How did you spend your New Year’s Eve?” and I would get a response like “Stayed in bed.” or “Watched fireworks.” Or.. some short response, with a period, followed by silence. CONSIDERING the dating habits I am looking to break? The complete lack of a follow up question seems, to me, like a red flag. Because how hard is it to say, “Stayed in bed. And you?” or something of that sort. Is this a cultural thing with women generally? Is this a byproduct of Dating App culture? My wife never asked me how my day was; my last girlfriend seemed adamantly opposed to considering my perspective. The dating app conversations almost never ask me any questions about me. Is this just… the world of dating and I’m being “extra sensitive” or is this an okay thing to trip my “If you don’t want to express curiosity in me, I’m not going to invest time in you” perspective?
(3) I… seem to have confused some thing(s) or things changed in ways that surprise me. Because remember how I’ve been saying “The director of Grey Gardens asked me to audition?” Apparently, that was NOT true. The woman who asked me to audition was NOT listed as Director on the Audition Announcement. So… now it is less “Someone connected to the show asked me to audition” and more “Someone who read the script easily saw me in a specific role.” Which is still nice but then… makes my getting in considerably less likely. Especially as this is another musical but with only 4 male roles. And one role is Joseph Kennedy Jr… so young and ridiculously good looking- not an option for me. Another role is Brooks, the BIPOC servant of the Bouvier Estate… so BIPOC required- not an option for me. Meaning this is an audition for only 2 male roles- a gay lounge singer in his 30s or a misogynist military man in his 60s. And tragically, my best shot is the man in his 60s. (Songs attempted to link below, one example from each character). SO along with everything else… I need to secure sheet music and audition singing material… posthaste as the auditions are January 15th. So… I’ll be honest- I’m now not exactly expecting to be in a show this winter. Which would make it the first time I was not in a winter show since returning to Theater. Which concerns me or can be seen as an opportunity. Being in a winter show is of particular benefit as it maintains social connections and physical activity at a time of year where snow and darkness can make both of those things more difficult. Likewise, it could be an opportunity because with all that extra time home alone.... I should be able to actually get things done (one would hope or expect). Ironically, if I do not get into Grey Gardens… a few short weeks later is an audition for the musical Head Over Heels- a Jukebox musical from the Go-Gos but… directed by the exact same people that did Beauty and the Beast. So… do I want to try for that or not? It should also be noted that this makes for a lot of musicals. In fact, the reason I’ve done so many winter shows before is because they were PLAYS. Neither theater is loading the first half of 2025 with PLAYS. The Historical Theater’s new season won’t be announced for a few weeks… so no idea what the second half of 2025 looks like for them. But the City Theater’s year is almost exclusively Children’s Theater or Musicals. So… we’ll see what happens for me theatrically this year!

Work today was… well, first, I didn’t come in until close to 11. Because of the Gout Pain still persisting (and probably not aided spectacularly by the 1 mile walk or the Banana Rum Drinks with Diet Pizza dinner.) But I only had three things specifically on my calendar for today.
(1) Trial: Psychotic Defendant but a Seat Belt Ticket so… the height of minimal importance with the maximum of Adult Man Throwing a Tantrum. Actually specifically told me that I could fuck myself violently when I offered him Discovery Materials; but showed up today saying the case needed to be dismissed since he hadn’t reviewed Discovery. AGAIN- when I say psychotic I’m not usually being hyperbolic. An individual experiencing delusions, has disordered thinking or speaking, has difficulty managing emotions. Etc. And it was… terrible. I am actively constantly trying to protect the Defendant’s rights because that is part of my job. This guy kept literally screaming at me so loud OTHER COURTROOMS HEARD IT all while I am trying to explain his rights to him. Jesus FUCK I don’t get paid enough to be some assholes emotional punching bag. This is why shit is… guh. GENUINELY… 90 minutes of trial where a guy is screaming at me and hurling abuse over and over and over and over. YEAH, I would like to go home and have a pleasant experience with another human. I need something after shit like this. No wonder my occupation is filled with alcoholics. Christ!
(2) Subpoena next week’s Violations of No Contact Order- need to make sure the people who were stalked or approached by their attacker come in to court to help us prove that such an allegation actually happened.
(3) Subpoena Trials for January 16th- discover what cases are listed for Trial for that Thursday, draft case summary if not previously drafted, then file subpoena for all individuals mentioned in case file to secure their appearance for the trial date.

After all of that? GO home and try to wrestle the kitchen back into shape; wrap the presents that finally arrived, and try to take care of myself in at least some small way.