Yet another in A transparent lockbox

It is shocking that I still sometimes dream about someone after three and a half years. I go through waves where it feels like all is resolved, and then this aftertaste shows me it’s not. He was the first person I liked who showed any interest in me, at least enough to feel special.
He wasn’t particularly handsome or charming, but there was just something within him that pulled me in. Ultimately it was dead in the water though, just because I refused to allow someone to make me feel as insecure and disposable as he did.
But still, he’s the only man I’ve continuously dreamt of. Every once in a while I dream about what he is doing in the present day. Last night it was that he had a baby now, was a single father and was an absolute mess. I guess it’s a good thing in a way though, because I don’t derive any joy from his pain, even if it is only imagined. There wasn’t really a point in writing all of this, just me trying to navigate why this still happens I guess.