Alive in 2020s

Sometimes I just want some alone time when he’s awake, but then I feel guilty because, hey, he’s alive! He’s alive. Would I rather feel like I’m not getting enough space, or would I rather never see him again? The answer is obvious, even though I don’t plan to live after he goes. I don’t even know if I’ll make it to his finish line, but I’m trying.

I’m a little tired today compared to the last couple of days because I had to take Zyrtec. I started falling asleep, and then we had to play the suffocation games again when I couldn’t pull in enough air through my nose. There’s definitely something wrong there that I think probably needs surgery. The problem is that I’m not likely to find out before next summer.

So instead of showering at the beginning of my day, I’m now showering at the end and sleeping with a nose strip every time I sleep. The larger nasal dilator wasn’t cutting it either, and it was a bit uncomfortable.

I was dismayed to see that while cutting sugar has dropped his glucose to 83, mine was 105 when I got up. Kathy said that between 80 and 120 isn’t bad, and she thinks my A1C will be fine. I hope so! I don’t expect it to be worse, but I hope it’s not the same either.

Right now, my nose and my thyroid are my biggest concerns. I know my thyroid is way out of whack. The question is how out of whack and what to do next.

I don’t know what I believe in, as I’ve said many times. I don’t have any set beliefs when it comes to God, guardian angels, the afterlife, or anything other than what I’ve seen and experienced firsthand. But when obvious patterns emerge and nothing I do changes anything, I really do feel picked on at times.

How do you change the unchangeable? It just seems that if something isn’t meant to be, it doesn’t matter what we do to try to achieve it. If life’s events were a little more random, I might not wonder as much. But when I see patterns within certain things, I do wonder. It really does feel, at times, like something wants me to struggle with both the medication and the effects of the disease itself, by not allowing me to at least remain under 10 consistently.

Those sayings about God helping those who help themselves and how you can do anything if you work hard enough? Total bullshit. Sure, some things are within our control, but definitely not everything. I never asked for or wanted some of what I’m getting in life.

Oh, and it turns out I didn’t need to fast after all. I didn’t look at the lab order until last night and saw that it wasn’t a full panel, so at least I won’t have to worry about the cholesterol lectures. It would have been nice to see what my blood cell levels were, but that’s not important. All she’s testing is my thyroid and A1C.

With Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I don’t expect results until the weekend or next week. What sucks is knowing they’re going to call next week instead of just waiting until we meet or messaging me on the portal. I hate this old-fashioned, in-person primary care system! But virtual primary care just isn’t catching on like virtual urgent care has. Nobody seems to want it, and it’s just not popular. Galileo is the only company I know of with virtual PCPs, and I don’t expect to have them again anytime soon, if ever. If she wants me to increase my dose, it’s going to be more stressful because I won’t be able to reach her in just minutes when there’s a problem.

He got a new strap to take the bulk of the weight off our faces from the new headset, so I’m going to play around with that soon, since he’s asleep and won’t be using it.