Still Struggling in 2020s

I’m still struggling with constant sleep disturbances and overwhelming fatigue. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll even have the strength to walk into Rhonda’s office on Monday and the dentist’s office on Wednesday.

On top of that, I’m still dealing with this cramp-like sensation in my lower abdomen, and yesterday I noticed a spot on my underwear. The cramps might indicate a mild infection, but the spot is almost certainly nothing—just a little atrophy-related bleeding. Still, I wonder how many other spots I might’ve missed, hidden in dark-colored underwear.

I’m also a bit baffled by the breathlessness. I still suspect it’s tied to the levothyroxine but don’t know for sure. I feel like I’m suffocating even when my nose isn’t overly stuffy. Sometimes the shortness of breath hits me when I’m wide awake. I can’t help but wonder if there’s something else going on, but most likely, I just need a new nose and a CPAP machine. What really worries me is how much time and money it’s going to take to get all this under control. The harder I try to get my health under control, the further it seems to slip away.

Just cooking dinner and writing this has completely drained me. I’ve had to crawl back into bed, and I’m not even sure if I’ll have the energy to shower soon. This is fucking ridiculous. I wish something would either kill me or I could just stop suffering so I could actually live my life. A part of me almost wishes I had advanced, untreatable cancer because I’m so tired of suffering year after year. But then cancer is a terrible way to go, and it could mean years of tremendous pain. Dying animals get better treatment than people in states without Death with Dignity laws.