Jake and bake in Second 1st

It’s been a min. I swear I tried. I even had a partial entry that I just deleted from my screen. This entry shall not be shared with other topics.... at least not until I get this out.

I broke up with Jake. I don’t want him to move in with his mother so the room is here as long as he needs it, however, I do think it’s best if he moves out.

He has my heart but I can’t deal. I can’t…

Early last year (at least) I had told him how to deal with his child support. Cassie, his ex wife, set it for as low as the state allows. He doesn’t send money through the state he just gives it to her when she needs it. Problem is that means the state is unaware and he’s gotten more and more behind.

In case I hadn’t mentioned it Jake won his disability case but only till x date.... not to current. His pay was an unreal 15k .... He got a car and did the maintenance as he should .... In the like 2 months he’s had that money he’s not paid off anything he owes. The state took the last 2k for back child support. For the longest time Jake had the child support card. Rocky and I suggested he put $20 on it and keep rotating it… ya know wait till processing and pull it out.... put it back in and do it again till he’s caught up .... he didn’t…

It wasn’t long ago that the only car Jake used was overheating. There was no doubt a hole in the radiator and his one aunt let him borrow $600.... then he’s still paying the ex-father-in-law for a van … $1800… and various smaller things.... like I asked Dest if he owed her… he does but I didn’t ask how much.

How is it that you can receive such a gift and not pay back those who have helped along the bumpy road? I have spent the last month or so.... since Jake bought the car.... really apprehensive and bewildered..... i keep trying to tell myself it’s fine that those issues are not my issues.... that his money problems are not mine.

I feel guilty everytime he wants to go to lunch or breakfast and he pays.... and angry at myself if I do.... honestly his outlook on money is the #1 reason for this fall out. The rest of his quirks pale in comparison. I can’t ask Rocky to foot anything for or with Jake.... and in order to keep our heads above water I can’t keep up the current lifestyle.

I’ve been galivanting around with Jake, Dest and Lyndsey and I have lost site of money goals. If I have it .... even if it’s earmarked for a bill … I’ll spend it because someone wants something. I FEEL like I’m on vacation and I’m behaving like I”m on vacation :(......

Wanna quit early? sure I’ll make it up later in the week.... and then don’t.... So.... that shit needs to stop and I can’t risk being pulled closer to being destitute because I helped and it was not returned when it could have been.

Bothered an insane amount by the money issue.... when it is my goal to someday be debt-free.....and he held money that would put him in that position.... it is not the only reason.

His family ties are creepy. His one aunt is always telling him what to do… his mother will call after he’s been away for a day talking about how she misses him.... he caters to her even though he understands she has done him much mental health damage.

I do not want to change him and it’s not my job to raise him.

Lastly, he mocks me.... well it feels like he mocks me. He says that’s he’s trying to change his mindset using me as an example because he loves my work ethic and wants to be more like that BUT.... he will randomly say shit like “I’ve got to get up at 3 tomorrow to get to work and earn money”..... Like Captain Obvious shit. It’s like repeating inner thoughts and it’s not MY brain.... how is that even right...... You don’t need to say that stuff.... just do it. “I wish I could be a better boyfriend because you are so good to me.” But how can he say that.... he’s sharing me...... i don’t want our time always filled with these sweet nothings.... I call this “Jake blowing smoke”.

That is all..... I took twice as much pot gummy as I usually do and it’s starting to kick in.... luckily I took them about 20 mins apart but it’s time to get my left over the ear bud and chill to some tunes .... get nice and comfortable and maybe nap..... but probably watch Tic Tok or play some games on my phone.....