10-Dec in --

I want to be more present with myself, family, and friends but I’m just trying to get through the day. Everyday feels like an uphill battle. I used to do a lot more in a day even a few years ago - simple things, like responding to a text. My brain power is very limited.

I wish I could really be someone again, like how I used to be. I’m just a barely-functioning flesh bag now. I think part of what keeps me from pulling some sort of disappearing act is a sliver of hope that maybe I’ll wake up one day and I will feel fixed.

It hasn’t happened yet.

Everything is fine though - I have stability in my life, my kids are doing well, I have a healthy relationship, my family are well. It’s obviously a “me” problem. I blame chronic illness, overwhelming constant sensory input, and deep job-related burnout with no end in sight for any of it.

Everything pulls at me until I don’t even have enough for myself. The strange thing is that I’m actually doing the best mentally/emotionally than I ever have, so that says a lot about how my life has gone in some ways. Lol. Even if I’m miserable during the week most of the time, and I sound like I’m complaining - I’m not meaning to be, I’m just being honest. I know that sounds crazy, but I guess I’ve always been a little off my rocker.