Horrible stomachache, boy at work, bullshit. in Since OD is shutting down....

Ok so I worked my 11-3 yesterday. I only made like $32 but it’s enough to pay my premium for health insurance and that’s fine. I close as shift leader on Wednesday and Thursday which means I won’t really make tips so I’m going to have to start working Sundays. I’m not thrilled about this at all because that means I will work 5 days a week again instead of my nice comfortable 4. I’m gonna see how it goes and if I like it before I get too overwhelmed.

Work was complete bullshit yesterday. I kept getting my head bit off by co-workers because they were either hungover or sleep deprived. I got super upset and texted my boss saying I didn’t want my promotion. I was just fucking over it. She texted back and said that it’s basically stupid to let other people hold me back because of their opinions. I know she’s right about all that and everything ended up working itself out. Then, that boy that I had a thing for that has a girlfriend and a kid? Well at some before I went home, he was outside talking to that girl who’s a customer that I hung out with that one time. I was pretty disgusted by this because I didn’t even know that they knew each other but I get the vibe that they either hooked up or are going to. I’m pretty upset about it but then I remember that with him, that’s all it’s ever going to be. He’s a fucking douchebag and it’s sad how men can’t stay faithful these days. I’m just so fucking glad I didn’t have sex with him or else I would be really hurt over this shit. My other co-worker is trying to hook me up with his friend and actually had me meet him when I saw that boy outside with that girl.

I raced to get off work and get bubbles for my niece because I promised her I would. Well I did and then went over to my brother’s house where all of them were crabby and he was in a big hurry to get to Walmart so I didn’t get the chance to grab a jacket (to cover up my work shirt) and ended up seeing my friends Mom there who hates me and now that she knows where I work, she will probably try to create problems for me at my job. I was pretty upset about this yesterday but remembered that it’s my own fault that I let my brother rush me and I didn’t stand up for myself.

I’m going to talk about my anxiety/self-confidence issues now. I just struggle to stand up for myself because I’m always afraid of the consequences. I very well could have told my brother off yesterday but then I worry his girlfriend would interfere, all hell would break loose and then I go back to not seeing my niece. It’s just not fair that I’m controlled by my brother’s girlfriend just as much as he is. All I know is that if I don’t start standing up for myself, I’m going to eventually snap and then everyone is going to hate me.

Even at work, I don’t stand up for myself or voice my opinions like I should. Sometimes I also believe I’m extremely oversensitive and worry way too much about what other people say to me or what they do because I’m scared to say anything. I’m just so worried about pissing people off and then having some kind of consequences later. I just don’t know what to do to cope with this. I know I can stand up for myself but I usually don’t until I absolutely have to which makes me passive-aggressive. I walk a fine line between using my back bone to just letting shit go because I’m so afraid that if I stand up for myself, bad things will happen to me. Like if I stand up for myself at work, I’ll get fired or something. But then I see other people who have very strong personalities that don’t take shit from anyone and wonder how they can be so confident with themselves.

I know I need to be studying but I’m sick as fuck. I woke up about 5 this morning with a horrible stomachache and then threw up before I went to school. It was super hard to concentrate because my stomach was hurting so bad. I stopped and got some Sprite before I came home and I don’t know if it’s helping or not. All I know is I have to work today so I must get better. I haven’t eaten yet so I’d let my stomach to settle so that I can eat at least something before going to work because it’s not like I can eat there.

My anxiety has been at an all time high for the past few weeks and I honestly don’t know what to do about it. I refuse to be on medication for it because the side affects are worse but I need to figure out a way to handle my stress and anxiety.