rape ptsd alcoholism. caring diss[a]sssociation. depression worth it. sad. in The Wonderland Years: 2014. Done.

so. I’ve known I have ptsd since college. that’s not new. I jut as put didn’t understand all of it until now. if we - we being my last therapist and i - talked about it at all I don’t remember it. yeah that’s another thing he took from me was my short term memory. ‘he’ being the first guy. [the other 2 things that contributed to that were my alcoholism and my anorexia. it’s interesting bc in college I started drinking not heavily and always alone which is a symptom of ptsd and yet my alcoholism is er. I mean it contributed to it my being hurt the last time].
it’s not that i’m a cold person. cause i’m not really. but I feel like sometimes I come off that way cause I don’t care. that much about others or myself. i don’t know i’ve never asked anyone i’m just presuming. and it’s not that i um. I don’t try to understand others or be there for them it’s that. I actually can’t, that much. bc I was raped and developed ptsd and which. that’s another symptom of the not caring. well actually .......... it’s part of diss[a]ssociation which. that’s the symptom of ptsd. yeah but see the short term.... my short term memory problems aren’t. they’re not damaging. i’ll remember something you told me 2 wks. ago but I won’t remember what I just ate or where I put something, for instance. I wonder why I I care more about things than people.....
I say. bc I don’t care about me I don’t want others to. well I was thinking about that this morning when I was trying to sleep. and figuring out why. well I think it’s cause I want to feel less alone. ya know sometimes I think um. ............ ‘well you don’t have this!’ when they v. well might I have no idea. unfortunately rape happens a lot more often then we realize. 1/4 ladies and 1/33 guys. [yes it happens to guys too which we so often forget. about]. and a lot of people who were raped develop ptsd but evidently not everyone who has ptsd has the disss[a]ssociation thingy. and I know ptsd doesn’t only pertain to rape. I know people who’ve been to war have it. and I know there are other situations in which people can develop it. I know i’m not the only one who has it but I’ve never met anyone offline who um. experiences it [not that I’ve talked to them about it, so].
the other thing that plays into this is. I have clinical depression I have since I wasss 13 but wasn’t diagnosed until I was 15. I have 3 forms. so part of my depression isss ssi don’t feel like i’m worth caring about. I don’t feel like um. it matters essssp. as of late. sos that’s another thing that makes it hard for me to care. and it makes me sad ya know. I don’t want to be the person who hurts other people bc I don’t care about them bc well. I cant. and sspeaking in termsss of my having been raped im not choosing not to. [but in terms of my depression I ssomewhat I am]. [there’s more to thisss regarding my ED which I don’t want to detail].
sso yeah. um wow.