Another day. in Since OD is shutting down....

So I took my boyfriend to the airport yesterday because he had to go do training for work. I completely lost it and couldn’t stop crying. I know he’ll be back on Thursday afternoon, I just don’t see him much as it is and it’s just so hard for him to be away. I get back to town and he calls to say he had missed his flight so I went back and got home to do lunch. I got another hour with him and then he had to get back to catch the last flight. He called last night and this morning. He even sent a picture of his lunch which looked really good.

I had to take my daughter to the dentist yesterday and to the doctor. She had a fever all night so I kept her home today. She’s feeling better and has eaten some. I just hope she’ll be feeling better so I can work tomorrow. I called my Mom this morning and asked if she could babysit but she had some lame ass excuse about having to get groceries and then text me saying she had to go to work. I personally believe that my little brother has decided she isn’t to babysit because I don’t have the relationship with HIM that he wants.

There’s no school next week and I’ll probably have to take my daughter with me for work. I can’t just sit around and not make any money. I don’t like taking her with me because it just adds to the stress factor but there’s no one to watch her. I am so fucking sick of being in this spot but this is just how it is until she’s old enough to be home by herself. I’ll just make whatever money I can and not plan to go for more than a couple of hours at a time.

I’m super stressed about money and bills. I am very upset that I STILL haven’t gotten my paycheck from that job and I probably won’t until I throw a fit about it. She messaged me saying it would be mailed last Tuesday and I still haven’t seen it. I know after all this, I will NEVER consider going back. I shouldn’t have this time but I did out of desperation. Honestly, I’m more mad at myself than them because I fucking knew better.

Today I haven’t done much cleaning but I’ve been making phone calls dealing with stuff. The first thing is I’m to have help paying my heat bills and I had to call to see why the bills aren’t getting paid. She said she has sent them an email letting them know to bill them so hopefully I’ll get a notification saying the bills have been paid so I can worry about other shit.

It’s really cold and windy today so I’m feeling okay with being at home. I’m going to make grilled cheese and tomato soup for dinner. My daughter has taken a bath and ate lunch so I feel like we’re on the mend. She doesn’t have strep or an ear infection so I really hope I’ll get to work tomorrow. I need to make money for my phone bill and car insurance or I won’t be able to keep working. I know my boyfriend would pay it but he already pays all the rent and gave me money before he left yesterday. I don’t want to take from him and I feel like I’ve taken a lot. I know that he’s big on being a provider but the last thing I want is to be just another liability.

I need to go check the mail and see if by chance my paycheck came and then when it doesn’t, I can be more mad. I’m pissed about this everyday as it’s a small amount of money, maybe $100 if I’m lucky but I’d like to put it in my boyfriend’s account towards the money he’s given me. I know money is not a huge thing for him but I’m used to paying my own way so this shit is driving me fucking bonkers.

There’s still no child support payment. I don’t think there ever will be. I’ve posted about this online and I’m pretty convinced it will never get paid and they will end up closing my case. All I know is I’m standing firm about not allowing visitation until it’s paid and there’s a court order. The guy likes to tell my daughter very negative things to get her upset and make her worry about him because he’s extremely emotionally immature. I don’t like her talking to him because it’s never a good thing. I know that he actually paid her phone bill but I don’t feel like he should be entitled to get her upset either. I’m sorry that I ever even mentioned it to him. He only got to talk and text with her for about 3 days and then his number got blocked. He needs to learn how to have appropriate conversations with a 7 year old.

I’ve been busy cleaning and making a chocolate pie. I’m going to make dinner soon. As predicted, my check wasn’t in the mail. I will probably give it another week and then I’m going to report this to the DOL and see what if anything they can do.

I’m planning on taking my daughter with me to make money next week when there’s no school. I have a pretty strong feeling my Mom isn’t going to help and I’m not going to let more time go by where I’m not making money. I’ve spent all these years doing it on my own and I’ll continue doing it. My boyfriend will talk me out of it because he knows it’s stressful but I’m all about chasing that bag. I’m already going stir crazy being home today that I can’t spend a week at home.

My little brother and my Dad have always had this thing where unless you have a relationship with them, you won’t have a babysitter. I’m not going to be controlled that way. To me, that’s another form of financial and mental abuse. I’ve taken her with me before and I’ll do it again. I don’t enjoy it but I can’t be broke either. Even if we go for a couple of hours at a time, I don’t have to be without money. It’s sad how much control everyone has had over me all these years and that’s another reason why I’m ready to pack up and leave this state.

My boyfriend told me yesterday while we were at a casino that he’s still pretty confused about the girl that he was set to marry and he does worry about me cheating. I told him that I’m not them. He said that I do have expectations of our relationship such as wanting to get married. Well, yeah most women do. I’m not in a hurry to do that but I do want to know it’s a possibility down the road. He said how in the beginning he wasn’t looking for anything but someone to go out with and how we hung out once and have been together ever since. Well, when his fiancee died, he had to leave her house because her parents were selling it and he didn’t have a back up plan. I know that I never intended for things to move as fast as they did either.

He had to go for training and the last thing he said to me when he got out of the car was, “this is for us” and yeah, I know that. I just wish he wasn’t so confused. I know that he’s been hurt and he’s had a lot of fucked up shit happen in relationships but I can honestly say that I’m in this for the long haul and I wouldn’t have moved in with him if I didn’t feel that we weren’t going to make it. I know we have our issues just like everyone else but I’m here for good. This is the longest relationship I’ve ever had and with someone that has given me absolutely everything a girl could ever want. He doesn’t understand how he ignites my soul and I’ve never felt this way about anyone else.

I think he’s very serious about me and his feelings are just as deep as mine, he just doesn’t show it like I wished he would. He’s never told me his feelings other than how he better not catch another guy in bed with me and, “what’s mine is mine” but I would like more than that. I know he cares about me and everything, he’s just not vocal about it. He still hasn’t told me that he loves me and I understand that’s a huge thing. He said that every time he’s told someone his feelings he gets fucked over and the last person he told that he loved them, died on him. He’s told me that he doesn’t think he’d still be here if it wasn’t for my daughter and I. He didn’t feel like he had a purpose. He plans on signing up for his health insurance and life insurance in case something happens to him.