Nov 23-28 in 2020s

Saturday, November 23, 2024
My skin is dry, I’m freezing in a 72-degree house, and I’m on the second day of being stuck. My TSH must be sky-high, which means the weight loss is connected to what I’ve been eating after all.

Yesterday was awful because I was horribly tired. The fatigue was so bad I could barely do anything. Today is the first day in nearly a week that I have a little energy, but I don’t know how long it will last. I still didn’t sleep great last night.

I was out cold for the first few hours, then woke up briefly. An hour later, I woke up to pee. Two hours after that, I woke up gasping for breath, though I’m pretty sure it was due to my stuffy nose and not my throat closing. Those cute, colorful breathing strips for kids are worthless! I thought they might work because my nose is small, but they’re so thin they don’t open my nose well at all. I switched to regular breathing strips, dozed on and off, and ended up getting over eight hours of sleep in total.

I seem to pick up new problems in every state I move to. Asthma and stress landed me in the hospital for a week in Connecticut. Arizona was where all the dental problems started. Oregon brought me TMJ. California gave me thyroid and anxiety issues. Here, it’s my nose and extreme fatigue. What will I get in New Mexico?

I still don’t know for sure what those spiders we saw in Phoenix were. They definitely weren’t Avondales. Tom said they were hairy but not tarantulas because their legs were much longer than their bodies. Tarantulas have fatter bodies and move more slowly. I’m guessing they were some kind of hobo or wolf spider.

Sunday, November 24, 2024
If I could brainwash myself into believing there was a good loving God up there listening to me, all I would have to do is ask that He makes sure I feel like shit almost every single day because that would certainly be a done deal and therefore I would feel “listened” to.

I’ve been absolutely miserable. For a week now, I can’t get a full night’s sleep without it being broken up. In the middle of the night, I wake up to pee, and just as I start to fall back asleep, I make this snorting sound from my nose. I’m completely exhausted!

Tom, who’s usually better at research than I am, did some digging, and we now suspect I might have a collapsed nasal valve. It’s fixable, but of course, it would take time and money, which would set us back. This issue has now become a higher priority for me than my A1C and my undoubtedly terrible TSH. I need to sleep! This is so much worse than just waking up for a second or two or getting up to pee and falling back asleep quickly. Now, I’m awake for longer stretches, and it’s happening more frequently. I feel horribly drained, run-down, and even more fatigued on top of the health issues I already have.

It’s so unfair. It’s so unfair that Aly, who wanted to live, had to die. If it weren’t for him, I’d be more than ready to go, but I can’t because he just won’t let go. As I’ve told him, though, sooner or later, I won’t care what he wants. I’ll put myself first and end this suffering. My health is gone. I know it. I’ll never be healthy again. I’m just going to keep suffering like I have for the last decade—just in different ways. I really don’t see myself ever being healthy again or beating this fatigue, no matter what’s causing it.

I’d love to end it all now and just be done with it. Again, it’s not fair. Someone asked Maria how she’d been doing on Facebook (I thought they stopped sharing what people post on friends’ walls) and said she didn’t look well the last time they saw her. She replied that every day is a miracle. She mentioned having only a third of her lungs, 20% of her heart, and needing a scooter to get around. She’s also been dodging cancer testing because she doesn’t want to hear she’s got something she can’t fight. She said it would break her heart.

Why can’t it be me who gets something terminal? At least then I’d know there was an end in sight. Why does it always have to be the ones who don’t want to die? It’s not that I want to die, but I want to be healthy, have energy, and function. Since that’s not happening, I’m ready to go.

I swear, it feels like something out there gave me this nasal issue just to mess with my sleep, now that traffic noise isn’t a problem. It’s like I’ve never been meant to sleep. My sleep has been cursed my entire life in various ways. I’m not suddenly going to wake up one day with consistent energy, a decent thyroid, and no real problems except minor annoyances. That’s just not me anymore, and it hasn’t been for years.

The symptoms of a collapsed nasal valve make sense. If I have it, it’s likely due to cartilage breaking down with age—or maybe damage from years of using nasal sprays. It can be fixed, but it could take months just to see an ENT. Then, I’d have to hope they don’t cancel on me. They’ll probably need to do an endoscopy to get a clear look at my nose. These symptoms fit, though, and it explains why sprays and pills haven’t been helping. It also explains why I started snoring these last couple of years. This isn’t allergies like what I normally get. When my allergies act up, I usually sneeze and have a runny nose. This is different. I can’t draw in enough air through my nose, almost like I’m partially pinching it closed. I thought it was strange for sleep apnea to become an issue, given my mouth and throat structure haven’t changed. I’m even a little lighter than I was a few years ago—now down to 154.

I’ve always feared losing weight because of how my medication might affect me, but it looks like I’ll have to conquer that fear since I’m not going back to sugar. Occasionally, I’ll have a treat, but that’s it.

According to my research, I could lose weight slowly over the next 18 months and get close to an ideal weight for a muscular woman my age and height—120 to 125 would be ideal.

It probably doesn’t matter that we may not get ahead and move because southern New Mexico is likely out. I did more research into the frequency of sonic booms, and if anything, they’ll not only increase but drop the flight paths from 30,000 to 5,000 feet. Poor Becky! I shared the article with her. These bastards are ruining more and more rural and even coastal areas.

Monday, November 25, 2024
I slept amazingly well last night for the first time in ages. I didn’t even wake up to pee, and I don’t remember snoring or waking up much at all. It’ll probably be months before I sleep that well again! I took a child’s dose of Zyrtec before bed, which likely helped, though I’m still a little tired because of that and other things.

And I swear, my TSH must be absolutely horrible! I’m cold, tired, and stuck again. There’s no doubt Rhonda’s going to suggest increasing my dose, making that dream come true. Yep, all my dreams can come true… as long as they’re the ones I don’t want coming true.

I couldn’t possibly feel this cold and tired if my TSH were under 10. I’m guessing I’m between 17 and 22. I just wish I knew why—absorption issues or maybe the gland dying off more? I wanted to get this posted before the little energy I have left deflates like a balloon.

Mia got her new orange tabby last night. It’s so well-animated! I was hoping it might jump on shelves or furniture occasionally, but it mostly stays on the floor, walking around at random. Sometimes it sits, and sometimes it lies down. I named it Simone after the cat we briefly had nearly a decade ago.

I’ve also got some nose tape on the way. AI recommended it for collapsed nasal valves—it’s the same kind used by people who’ve had rhinoplasty. I’m hoping it’ll open my nose even more and give it a little lift too, to make breathing easier.

Tuesday, November 26, 2024
I’ve already resigned myself to the fact that my TSH levels are going to be horrible, but I’ve definitely learned something valuable—something the so-called experts should have pointed out to me a decade ago. I’ve always known not to take vitamin or mineral supplements until at least four hours after taking my thyroid medication, especially calcium and magnesium. However, I’ve always thought about this in terms of pills, not food. I now realize that eating something rich in calcium, like macaroni and cheese or yogurt, before the four-hour window has passed might influence my thyroid levels. My inconsistencies over the years could have been due to this rather than absorption issues.

When Rhonda pushes to increase my dose and turns that dream into a premonition, I’m going to point this out to her. I really think I can improve things on my own unless my levels are truly awful, like over 20. I do fear my TSH might be in the high teens to low 20s, though.

Today, I’m not as cold, but I’ve noticed that my energy levels seem connected to my body temperature. Yesterday, I felt okay for the first few hours of the day, but then my energy popped like a balloon. I was tired and cold for the rest of the day. At least I slept well last night, and today, as I pay off my sleep debt, I’m not quite as tired, cold, or in as bad of a mood. Yesterday, I was so fed up with all my health and sleep issues that I just wanted to drop dead.

I slept last night with the largest nasal dilator in my nose, hoping it would open things up enough to give me more options alongside the strips. If the problem is what we think it is, I hope it doesn’t get worse before it’s resolved. If it turns out not to be an allergy issue—and that seems increasingly likely—then at least Florida stays on the table for moving possibilities if we find a decent piece of land in Central Florida. I’d hate to leave this climate, but I would for a worthy piece of land in a good area, especially if it saves us money, and gets me further from motorcycles and out of a flight path. Finding a place without sonic booms might be a challenge, though.

Tom got the Quest 3 today, and wow, things are incredibly clear! The only downside is that it’s still pretty heavy, and adjusting the straps takes some fumbling.

The passthrough is amazing, though. There’s an app called First Encounters that came with it. It places objects in your room—like puffins running along the couch—that you shoot at, along with other objects. If you aim at your walls or ceiling, it looks like you’re blowing holes in them. Of course, it doesn’t know what’s outside, so it replaces the “blown-out” walls and ceilings with beautiful skyscapes. At one point, I could see Jupiter as if it was so much closer.

Tom said he’s tempted to buy an app for $20 that turns your house into a spaceship.

It’s also so cool how easy it is to create guardians. You just glance around the room, and it maps everything for you.

Another cool thing is that you can look at something and ask what you’re looking at, and it will tell you. Plus, measure objects, and create level lines on walls if you want to hang something.

I might use the Quest 3 for virtual rides. Maybe we can share it for my road trips while I use the Quest 2 for playing golf. Yes, I’d love to have my own headset so I can stay logged into my accounts, but money is tight right now, and who knows if that will ever change? If expensive things would stop breaking, and I could stop losing crowns, it would help.

On another note, I love the new Recipe Hub on Walmart’s site! It’s fantastic because I can save beautifully written, easy-to-follow recipes and add the ingredients to my cart right from the page. There’s a handy little “add-to-cart” button by each ingredient.

Wednesday, November 27, 2024
Sometimes I just want some alone time when he’s awake, but then I feel guilty because, hey, he’s alive! He’s alive. Would I rather feel like I’m not getting enough space, or would I rather never see him again? The answer is obvious, even though I don’t plan to live after he goes. I don’t even know if I’ll make it to his finish line, but I’m trying.

I’m a little tired today compared to the last couple of days because I had to take Zyrtec. I started falling asleep, and then we had to play the suffocation games again when I couldn’t pull in enough air through my nose. There’s definitely something wrong there that I think probably needs surgery. The problem is that I’m not likely to find out before next summer.

So instead of showering at the beginning of my day, I’m now showering at the end and sleeping with a nose strip every time I sleep. The larger nasal dilator wasn’t cutting it either, and it was a bit uncomfortable.

I was dismayed to see that while cutting sugar has dropped his glucose to 83, mine was 105 when I got up. Kathy said that between 80 and 120 isn’t bad, and she thinks my A1C will be fine. I hope so! I don’t expect it to be worse, but I hope it’s not the same either.

Right now, my nose and my thyroid are my biggest concerns. I know my thyroid is way out of whack. The question is how out of whack and what to do next.

I don’t know what I believe in, as I’ve said many times. I don’t have any set beliefs when it comes to God, guardian angels, the afterlife, or anything other than what I’ve seen and experienced firsthand. But when obvious patterns emerge and nothing I do changes anything, I really do feel picked on at times.

How do you change the unchangeable? It just seems that if something isn’t meant to be, it doesn’t matter what we do to try to achieve it. If life’s events were a little more random, I might not wonder as much. But when I see patterns within certain things, I do wonder. It really does feel, at times, like something wants me to struggle with both the medication and the effects of the disease itself, by not allowing me to at least remain under 10 consistently.

Those sayings about God helping those who help themselves and how you can do anything if you work hard enough? Total bullshit. Sure, some things are within our control, but definitely not everything. I never asked for or wanted some of what I’m getting in life.

Oh, and it turns out I didn’t need to fast after all. I didn’t look at the lab order until last night and saw that it wasn’t a full panel, so at least I won’t have to worry about the cholesterol lectures. It would have been nice to see what my blood cell levels were, but that’s not important. All she’s testing is my thyroid and A1C.

With Thanksgiving being tomorrow, I don’t expect results until the weekend or next week. What sucks is knowing they’re going to call next week instead of just waiting until we meet or messaging me on the portal. I hate this old-fashioned, in-person primary care system! But virtual primary care just isn’t catching on like virtual urgent care has. Nobody seems to want it, and it’s just not popular. Galileo is the only company I know of with virtual PCPs, and I don’t expect to have them again anytime soon, if ever. If she wants me to increase my dose, it’s going to be more stressful because I won’t be able to reach her in just minutes when there’s a problem.

He got a new strap to take the bulk of the weight off our faces from the new headset, so I’m going to play around with that soon, since he’s asleep and won’t be using it.

Thursday, November 28, 2024
I have great news, okay news, and shitty news. Where should I start? I guess I’ll go in order from great to shitty.

The amazingly shocking and great news is that my TSH is 5.50! Just one point above normal! “I can’t handle a TSH in the normal range” may one day not be a true statement after all. Maybe it would have been this time if I hadn’t accidentally screwed up a few times by eating too soon or taking a melatonin gummy within the half-hour range. I was stunned out of my mind.

This is the first time I altered fate, in a sense. I knew that dream was a warning where Rhonda wanted me to increase my dose. But I jumped on it by increasing my vitamin D, and I stopped it! I stopped it. I literally stopped it! If only I could control other aspects of my life.

Tom was right when he said I had conflicting symptoms and didn’t think my thyroid would be that out of whack. Now that I think about it, some things make more sense. When my thyroid is better, it doesn’t make me lose weight, but it makes it harder to gain. If my TSH was way up in the teens or twenties, I likely would be in the 160s, struggling to keep from gaining more and more weight. Also, I’ve always had thick curls but when gathering it back in a ponytail lately, I’ve noticed it feels thicker. In fact, this long, thick, curly mane is getting to be such a pain in the ass to care for that I’m almost tempted to cut it off again. So many women out there would love this problem, and you know what? They can have it! Live with it as long as I have, and it gets kind of old. To avoid combing through the sea of wild curls all the time, I often braid it.

The news that’s just so-so is that my A1C is down but only by a point—it’s 5.9. I’d like to push it down another three points, but I don’t know if I can. I didn’t realize this at first, but she’s also running some tests on my liver that aren’t done yet. I don’t expect any problems there.

The shitty news is that I continue to sleep absolutely shitty as fuck. I am so run down and tired now. My brain and body have been taking a beating for decades as the years of sleep disturbances add up. I wonder how much more it can take before I have a stroke or heart attack. I worry about landing in the hospital because of this shit. It’s absolutely horrible.

I’ve also had that feeling again where I feel short of breath, even though my lungs aren’t exactly tight. I wrote that off to nerves, but since that’s not a common symptom of being wound up for me, it makes me wonder if it’s connected to my TSH pushing down, though I doubt it. I’m definitely going to skip the vitamin D for a few days because I don’t want to overdo it. Salmon is high in vitamin D, and I had some today, so it may be another day before it starts draining from my system.

The question is—what’s making me so cold at times? I looked that up and found a long list of possibilities, so maybe it’s just age.

Seriously, though, last night was absolutely horrible. I was so close to just grabbing the bag of charcoal, sealing myself up in the bathroom, and ending my suffering once and for all. In frustration, I smashed the shit out of my forearm, leaving bruises. Not with any sharp instruments, just with my fist. I was just so frustrated and didn’t want to break anything by throwing or punching things.

My sleep was broken up twice, and each time, I only slept for an hour or two. The last time I tried to get back to sleep, I felt short of breath and couldn’t quite make it fully back to sleep. That’s when I realized there was more going on than my nose issues. The first time I was woken up last night had nothing to do with breathing issues; my shoulder was screaming in pain. Just when I think that’s getting better, it gets me again.

The second and third times, I felt like I couldn’t suck in enough air, even though I could take the same amount of breath through my nose with the strip on as I could with my lungs. That’s when I started to wonder about my lungs.

I had this weird dream I went to the dentist. It seemed like the hygienist was Holly, and I was going to get my teeth cleaned. For some crazy reason, I had to take my shirt off before lying down in the chair.

So I took my shirt off and realized I didn’t have a bra on, so I was embarrassed. I casually rested my arms across my chest to hide my breasts when I lay back in the chair. Then they were having some computer tech issues, and I offered to reschedule and come back another time.

Holly agreed that would be a good idea and hugged me goodbye. But the only reason I wanted to get out of there and return another time was because I had forgotten my bra when I got dressed earlier, lol.

Then I went into the waiting room and spotted Tom at the back of it. It was pretty crowded, so I wove my way through the people waiting, but by the time I got to the back, he had disappeared. Managing to get home on my own, I was looking out the window of what appeared to be an apartment. Just to the right, I could see they’d dug out a square section of land to build another apartment building.

I then called Tom to ask where he had disappeared when he accused me of taking off because I had something to hide. Other than my chest, I assured him I wasn’t trying to hide anything. There was also something about him being upset that we didn’t get some things we needed after moving somewhere, saying that if he knew it was going to take that long, he’d do it himself.

Mixed reality rocks! I love that app where a little spaceship crashes through your ceiling and drops into the center of your room, and a bunch of “puffians” explode from it that you have to shoot. Bits and pieces of the shot-out walls and ceiling drop onto the furniture and floor, and the puffians climb everywhere—the walls, lamps, chairs, couch, etc. It was just amazing and so real-looking!