2016 in My Bio

January

2015 ended on a fearful note, but 2016 began on a hopeful one. Unfortunately, Lexipro worsened my already disrupted sleep patterns so I didn’t take it for long.

Menopause wasn’t easy, though I was relieved to experience fewer episodes of my heart racing.

After a month without Andy in my life, I didn’t miss him at all. I was ready to move on, free from his false beliefs about me, his paranoia, immaturity, and stupidity—the whole exhausting package.

I returned to my counselor Stacey, and wow, no therapist had ever been so helpful! She introduced me to a form of Chinese medicine called emotional tapping, which can be used to manage anxiety and other issues. Initially, it seemed silly and pointless, but to my surprise, it worked.

Tom and I both ordered Fitbits to monitor our sleep, heart rate, and activity levels.

We booked a superior ocean-view stateroom with a private balcony on Royal Caribbean’s Independence of the Seas for January 30th to February 4th! The plan was to fly to Fort Lauderdale and cruise down to Cozumel.

After the cruise, we planned to rent a car, visit Tammy, and stay at a nearby hotel. We were flying first class with a layover in Houston. Tammy and I were both incredibly excited to finally see each other after so long.

I decided to stop attending aerobics classes at the clubhouse. They kept it too warm, and I couldn’t stand the repetitive old music. I opted to walk around the park, use my treadmill when the weather was bad, and continue working out on my Bowflex.

Aly started to get on my nerves with her clinginess and constant demands. She often took it personally when I was busy. While I felt for her struggles and didn’t want to abandon a good friend, I wished she’d do more to help herself. Her health issues and lack of local friends likely contributed to her emotional challenges.

One bright spot was discovering Alexa’s ability to read Kindle books!

I ordered an adrenal test kit on Amazon, which required saliva samples at four different times of the day. Blood tests hadn’t shown any issues, so I hoped this could provide more insights.

By the end of the month, my cortisol lab results came back. Two tests were normal, while the other two were on the low end of normal. It confirmed that something was off hormonally, which I suspected was related to menopause. A GYN I consulted validated that levothyroxine could cause anxiety—a helpful acknowledgment, though I wished other doctors had told me this sooner.

Later in the month, I won an adorable 18” vinyl doll that I later donated to Goodwill.

On January 29th, we left for the airport early in the morning and later checked into the Red Carpet Inn in Fort Lauderdale. Ironically, the room had no carpet! Before we headed to the cruise port, I updated Facebook and Twitter and texted Aly.

Then came the nightmare. The ship’s computers had issues, and there were immigration delays. Over 4,000 passengers were forced to wait in the sun for more than four hours. I suffered heatstroke but a kind woman trained in CPR helped me while the crew seemed indifferent.

Someone else handed me a bottle of water and a banana, which helped even more. I was incredibly grateful. I was so dehydrated that when I overheated, my body couldn’t even sweat to cool me down.

I wasn’t the only one who suffered heatstroke. Paramedics came for someone else who got sick.

By the time we boarded the ship, I was weak and exhausted, but I couldn’t get food or rest right away because we had to attend roll call and go through all the emergency drills they make you do. Even after that, getting food delivered was no easy task. The service was absolutely horrible. We were both so damn frustrated. It was such a horrible waste of money.

February

The only thing good about our Royal Caribbean cruise was the food in the Windjammer. We enjoyed the spa as well, and of course, I did a little shopping in hot, humid Cozumel, Mexico. We shopped for ourselves, our family, and our neighbors, Bob and Virginia. I bought some things from some of the Promenade’s seriously overpriced stores.

Choppy seas prevented us from docking in Costa Maya the following day, just as it had prevented us from docking in Grand Turk & Caicos after stopping in Puerto Rico and the Bahamas when we cruised the eastern Caribbean in 2007. So not only did we get horrible service, but we also didn’t get to go on any excursions.

It took me about three days to fully recover from the heatstroke. I felt drained, disoriented, and just overall awful. I managed to sleep okay, though, and liked our stateroom better than the one we had on the Westerdam. We also had a private balcony, which was nice to enjoy despite the constant sea winds. We sailed so close to Cuba that it almost felt like I could add another country to my travel list.

The banging from the neighboring rooms was maddening, and we couldn’t even get the Internet we paid for. We forgot to bring the laptop charger too, so its battery life didn’t last throughout the entire voyage.

On the last day, I had a Fire and Ice mani-pedi. Jill from Jamaica did a great job on my toes, which I chose to have polished in blue. But while buffing the ridges from my fingernails, she made the nails—polished in pink—too thin and brittle.

We gambled a bit, but never played miniature golf or went rock climbing.

After nearly a quarter-century, I finally got to run into my big sister’s arms for a long, emotional embrace AND see my lovely niece Sarah! That was on the 2nd. I met Becky the following night at a diner we all went to. They both looked lovely, and I was thrilled to see them after so long.

It was wonderful meeting Mark too, who’s such a great guy. He had some interesting stories to share over dinner. He grilled us steaks one night, while Tammy made a roast another night.

Tammy’s home was beautiful, but Florida was surprisingly chilly at that time. She took us to the beach and some really nice stores. We got so much stuff in both the US and Mexico that we had to buy another suitcase. She and Mark gave us cute knickknacks and a necklace too.

Our hotel was spacious and had a great view of the marina from its private balcony. The only time I didn’t appreciate being there was when they had a live band playing downstairs.

I definitely liked her city better than ours. We knew it was risky to change states again until he retired, though. The cost of living might be higher in California, but so was the pay.

As much as I knew I’d miss my family and the warmer weather, it was nice to be back in the comfort of our own home. I was surprised to find I’d won a pressure cooker not long afterward.

The house diagonally from us sold, and our new neighbors, a couple of women, have been quiet so far.

I saw Dr. L one last time and was bummed to learn she’d left because she was the first shrink I’d ever met who wasn’t crazier than her patients.

I worried about Aly’s health, chatted with Marie, who would always have a special place in my heart, and chatted with Christiane, who went down to Austria to do some skiing. Sometimes I missed Nane, but not enough to overlook her negative traits.

March

At the dentist, Holly cleaned my teeth, and the dentist confirmed a cavity in my upper right molar. It was so large that it needed a crown—ugh. The dentist asked if I snored or had sleep apnea because of the way my tongue flopped back. According to Tom, I only snore a little sometimes.

The office assistant talked me into buying an ultrasonic essential oil diffuser with a color-changing LED. I went with peppermint oil since the one on her desk smelled so good.

Won a one-year Pandora One pass, a pricey facial serum, some bath beads, and a lovely cosmetic bag.

Found myself becoming more frustrated with societal issues. The increasing violence among certain groups, fueled by movements like Black Lives Matter, felt disruptive rather than constructive. I firmly believe violence isn’t the answer to solving problems. It frustrates me that facts from years ago are now dismissed as “racism” due to political correctness.

I was dismayed to find Kim back on Prosebox, creating accounts and blocking mine again. I wondered how many more years it would take for her to realize I didn’t want anything to do with her. I wished we could coexist on the same platforms without her childish blocking games and jeopardizing my account.

Then Aly shocked me by dumping me. She claimed I didn’t think much of her and that we were too different in our ways of thinking. She also said I was too blunt and critical of her. I’ll admit, I can be blunt at times, but it’s never meant to offend—just to be honest. I never demanded she live a certain way or thought less of her for her choices. It was a crushing blow, but I knew I had to move forward.

But I knew it wasn’t just about me saying things Aly didn’t want to hear—it went much deeper than that. The truth was, I wasn’t her “type.” Just like some women are drawn to toxic partners, Aly seemed to prefer friends who were unreliable, mentally unstable, and not particularly bright. This was evident in her closeness with Kim, Molly, and likely others who shared similar traits.

Aly openly admitted to being a habitual liar. Over the years, I caught her in numerous lies but chose to overlook them, focusing instead on her better qualities. However, the ultimate betrayal came when I discovered that she hadn’t left Twitter as she claimed. Instead, she had a hidden account where she expressed excitement over my being gone for a couple of weeks. This stung deeply, especially since I’d gone out of my way to text her from hotels while on vacation, knowing she was battling depression. To find out she was speaking about me behind my back while claiming I wasn’t there for her—despite my daily efforts—was an insult I couldn’t ignore.

The hurt and anger led me to lash out online for a brief period. I admit I bullied her a little, though it wasn’t my proudest moment. She eventually apologized, but even her apology was more about making herself feel better than repairing our friendship.

Despite missing her at times and the eight years I believed we were friends, I realized she was never truly loyal.

On another note, I found myself longing for the peace of rural living. I missed the quiet, the seclusion, and the absence of constant traffic. While I didn’t miss the lack of utilities or mail services, the noise of city life often grated on me.

April

As the month began, I once again wished for a rule prohibiting non-emergency projects on weekends. Having two guaranteed quiet days would be a blessing, but as always, weekends were hit or miss.

I also toyed with the idea of cutting off the rest of my friends and disappearing entirely. While it might have been safer emotionally, I couldn’t bring myself to do it. At the time, I wasn’t open to new friendships either.

It continued to bother me that so few people from my past reached out to me on platforms like Facebook. Maybe they had tried but couldn’t get through, or perhaps they didn’t bother at all. Facebook’s design made it difficult to contact those outside our immediate circle.

Mid-month, I had my permanent crown placed on my upper molar and then went treasure hunting at Goodwill. Even though we could afford new, expensive items, there was something thrilling about uncovering unique finds.

I was inspired to write the book Shane based on a dream that gave me the idea for it.

I was upset to learn that California would start providing free medical care to undocumented children. Now, parents in Mexico could bring their children by the dozens, further burdening our resources, while many citizens receive second-rate service and still have to pay for it.

Tom received over $150 in gift cards from work, including ones for Chili’s, Amex, and another I can’t recall.

Unfortunately, at the end of the month, our two-year-old rat, Hoodie, passed away.

One night, I woke up with a racing heart after a bad dream. Later, I learned that my LDL cholesterol was very high, and both my red and white blood cell counts were elevated. I declined cholesterol medication at the time due to my fear of side effects.

On the last day of the month, our washing machine started smoking and died. We replaced it with a front-loader, which I liked overall despite a few minor drawbacks.

May

The month started with good news—my endocrinologist, Dr. O, released me now that we had my medication dose regulated.

I won a pair of LED work light bars in an instant sweepstakes on Amazon—nothing too exciting but still a win.

The park continued turning off water every week or two to repair old pipes, which was annoying.

I finished the Dutch course.

June

Visited my PCP on the first of the month. While my lungs and heart sounded good, she convinced me to take half of a 10-mcg Pravastatin tablet every other day.

She also suggested referring me to a sleep specialist and scheduling an arterial ultrasound of my carotid artery to rule out blockages as a cause of my dizziness. The tech said he didn’t see anything worrisome.

The park turned off the water two days in a row, which really pissed us off.

Saw Stacey three weeks into the month. She suggested trying EMDR to help prevent future panic attacks.

Jackie moved out, and a couple named Jon and Carolyn moved in.

On the day Tom turned 59, my niece’s father died of cancer. I felt elated. The only downside was hearing about him nonstop on Facebook. Of course, I felt bad for his family, but I couldn’t shake my feelings about him. He was the man who abused Tammy and Lisa, indirectly got me arrested, and cost me a fortune in money, lost sleep, and anguish.

After watching a movie that reminded me of a fifth-grade teacher I had a crush on when I was 10, I looked her up and was shocked to learn she had passed away just two months earlier.

July

Camp NaNoWriMo began, and so did my project, The Interviews.

After my first dose of the statin retrial, I got the same sore throat as before and stopped it after 4 or 5 doses. The pharmacist I consulted said it likely wouldn’t go away, even though it’s a very effective drug. Unsurprisingly, my PCP attributed the sore throat to anxiety. I began to wonder if she’d say that about everything I ever felt, LOL.

Heard back from the woman I contacted at a rattery and purchased a really cool new cage. It was huge and cost a little over $200. On the evening of the 6th, we were supposed to meet Leslie to pick up the three male rats we adopted. Instead, we met her mother in Taco Bell’s parking lot. One of the dark rats turned out to be a hermaphrodite, so they substituted it with a Dumbo rat. That worked out better since having two dark rats might have made them hard to tell apart. I named the Dumbo rat Dumbo, the other dark one Burke (a Berkshire rat), and the Siamese rat Simon. They were a little shyer than I expected, but I planned to work with them and give them lots of love and attention.

Saw Stacey on the 8th, and as I told her, I almost wished I could see her every month for life because I always felt so much better afterward. I admitted I’d probably always have a general fear of medication, but it was nice that I could finally take painkillers for cramps and such without fearing something bad would happen.

She began EMDR sessions with me, helping me realize I wasn’t as weak and helpless as I thought during my trauma two years ago from the levothyroxine reaction. I managed to dial 911 and get the back door open, after all.

Our goal was to reduce the likelihood of me panicking if something scary happened in the future. She waved two fingers in front of my face like in the YouTube videos I’d watched, but she moved them faster than I expected. Keeping my head still, I followed her fingers with my eyes, which was much harder than I thought. She switched to moving them up and down instead.

During this, I focused on a negative trait I believed about myself at the time, then replaced it with a positive one. Between these hand movements, which lasted about 10 seconds each, I mentally walked through the terrifying events of that day:

• My heart pounding in my chest.
• Running out of the bedroom and down the hall.
• Fumbling with the new phone I wasn’t familiar with, hoping I could call 911.
• Finally reaching 911 despite shaky hands.
• Getting the back door open in case I didn’t survive until the paramedics arrived.
• Standing in the carport, trying to recall our space number for the dispatcher.
• Seeing a curious worker glance at me through the trees as I spoke frantically.
• Hearing the paramedics approach.
• Moving toward the driveway and seeing a redheaded guy step out of the fire truck.
• Watching the paramedics hook me up to a cardiogram and assure me I hadn’t taken a lethal dose of levothyroxine or had a heart attack.

Saw Stacey again in the middle of the month and realized how much I had come to like her. I even started to wonder—and hope—that the feeling might be mutual, not necessarily based on her words but on her tone and body language.

My periods continued to be highly erratic, and I began to be harassed by Leslie and her mother. Her mother proved to be batshit crazy, leaving me long, dramatic voice messages threatening to take me to court for “slandering” them in my blog after writing that I wasn’t happy with how shy the rats were. She demanded my address so they could serve a warrant for a cease and desist, etc. Oh, and as a disabled war vet, I was triggering her PTSD, and she needed to be medicated, just like her autistic “child,” who was really an adult with children of her own, as I would later learn. She also tried to use her autism as both a crutch and a weapon against me, but it had nothing to do with anything, and I would never have even known she was autistic if they hadn’t chosen to tell me.

I was also harassed and threatened via email by the daughter and on Facebook by Mommy Dearest. I was never worried, though. I knew I hadn’t broken any laws. All I’d done was piss them off by telling them things they didn’t want to hear.

We did something that felt so good! Yes, it felt so good to get it all out after 3 years of sitting back in silence. We finally voiced our opinion of life in our park in an anonymous survey. As I learned the hard way from past experience…if you complain, people can’t handle it and they retaliate, no matter how legitimate and reasonable your complaint may be. This way, I could let them know how sick I was of the constant landscaping sounds and finding kids in the pool after hours, along with the damn water outages. I left out the motorcycles and other loud traffic, wanting to address the most important issues.

August

On the 11th, I met with Stacey with mixed emotions. We had a great meeting, and as much as I hoped I wouldn’t need her again as a therapist, I hated to think it was goodbye forever. I was stunned to realize that my fondness for her was mutual. She told me I could call her, and I gave her my contact info. Planning to contact her on Valentine’s Day if I don’t hear from her first or need to schedule an appointment with her.

They turned our water off on two separate days for nearly 6 hours. I was so frustrated with that and the daytime noise that again I thought of moving, but had no idea where we could go to escape it. Instead, I let them have it anonymously online, and this time I included how annoyed I was with motorcycles being allowed to roar in and out of the place.

I continued to have intermittent dizziness on and off, as well as earaches. I took my BP for a week or so and seemed to be all over the place with the upper number. Sometimes it was normal, other times it was too high.

November

The park turned our water off for 4 hours and I finished my book, The Wrong Sister.

Saw my ENT, who told me I had arthritis in my jaw joint (TMJ) and that my ear looked fine. Also saw a doctor who confirmed my non-24-hour sleep/wake disorder.

Stunned out of my mind to see Trump get elected as president. And pissed.

As expected, the park turned our water off again for an hour.

December

Turned 51 and went on a shopping spree.

RIP Cappy.

Anxiety begins to return. Left a message for Stacey to call me.

Got my first real period in 3.5 months.

Went for my echo stress test, and then my session with Stacey was awful. Was very hurt, shocked, and angry to have been led on by what was otherwise a very helpful person into thinking we’d at least keep in touch. She was the last person I expected to let me down like she did. It was like I was meeting with a whole ‘nother person I had yet to meet, and I left her office feeling confused rather than less anxious and more hopeful for the future. I had no doubt that she had been attracted to me and then got scared off by her own feelings. I knew I couldn’t have suddenly become that bad at reading people. This didn’t lessen my disappointment in realizing we would never even be just friends.

A few days later, I sent her a letter telling her how I felt and why I canceled our appointment. I did it more to get things off my chest than because I felt I owed her an explanation.

Despite the fact that I feel confident that she never meant to make me feel the way she did, I still felt how I felt, and I never even so much as got a single apology for it.

Got desperate enough to try Estroven as I was feeling like shit both physically and mentally. I was anxious, I was crying, I couldn’t sleep, I had no appetite, I had no energy, and I had the runs. Later stopped the Estroven due to a tingling feeling in my throat and mouth, which the lady at the number on the box said could happen.